Last night, Ned and I went to see Girls, Girls, Girls at the old theater we like. Mostly it was about how a slutty woman with dumb hair and a butterface both liked Elvis.
You know what a butterface is, right? Where someone has a lovely figure, but her face!
Dear Feminist Mom: Yeah, I know.
In nearly every scene with the slutty woman in the movie, she had this ridiculous hairdo that was swept all to one side. Every time she appeared onscreen, Ned was lucky enough to enjoy my hilarity, where I'd push all my hair to the side, too. Of course, several people on that side of the theater had to keep leaving their seats every time to make room, so, inconvenient.
Also, the slutty one was a nightclub performer, and every time Elvis showed up, he'd be all, "Ima get onstage and perform, too. Surely the band knows all the songs I wanna sing, and we all intuitively know how to choreograph our moves."
The best part about the nightclub act is there's this stripey-shirted bass player who wanted Elvis so bad he couldn't contain himself. Ned pointed it out. "Look how bad the bass player wants to fuck Elvis."
Oooo! YouTube! You can also see the slutty woman's hairdo!
There's another, slower number where you really see the bass player's lust, but I have to get to work. I like how I call it a "number" like I'm a vaudeville agent.
But really, the most annoying person in the whole movie was the butterface. Geez, I hope she's not still alive. Hang on. Oh, god, she is still alive. Dear butterface actress: I am sorry. You were no looker, though.
Naturally, Elvis picked the butterface, because it was an Elvis movie, and every pretty tramp with a swept-to-one-side hairdo gets the shaft. Note the symbolic butterface-gets-the-oar message, here.
I won't even get into the racist Chinese stuff. Elvis is inexplicably also tight with the Chinese community in town, who pretty much go around eating chop suey and saying things with no articles. "Ohhhh, you must come to house!" It's like everyone is doing a Confucius impression.
Okay, I'll show it to you, but you're gonna wanna kill yourself like you're a possum in our yard.
I warned you. If you just want to kill yourself a little, skip to 1:05.
Anyway, that was that. Then somehow when we got home last night, we had a crucial discussion about what is Led Zeppelin's best song. I say The Rain Song. Some survey we looked up said Kashmir.
What say you?
Looking at you disapprovingly with my cigarette and pointy nails,