For 120 years now, Griff has worked where I work, and his general cantankerousness has amused everyone who comes in contact with him. He has extremely strong opinions on things that don't matter. Such as, "Mango salsa pisses me off."
In fact, he has so many opinions that I am going to intersperse some of his better ones throughout this story, in pink. Like this:
Why would anybody eat apples when pears are so much better?
Griff's been in my department for as long as I've been there, but what I've found out through the years is that other departments he's worked in have been equally amused and fascinated by The World's Crankiest Person that is Griff. One department actually had a t-shirt made up of his famous lines ("Applebee’s is for rednecks who don't drink alcohol with their meals.") and of course, TinaDoris made a whole Twitter page for him.
So when he mentioned his birthday was coming up, I jokingly said to one of the Alexes that we should find him a shrimp pinata. You have no idea how often shrimp comes up as one of the things he is passionate about.
I mean, I think most women would sleep with Buck Owens for free.
The thing is, you can now find anything on the Internet, and today's mission is to leave a comment telling me about the weirdest pinata you can find online. It took me four seconds to find a shrimp-shaped pinata, and before I could stop myself, I ordered it.
I announced this to the people at work at large, and plans were made to get him candy for the stuffing of said pinata, and then a day later I was toiling at my desk and one of Griff's friends from work came down to our area. I like this guy a lot, he's hilarious, and I just assumed he was there to visit Griff. When he kept standing in front of my desk, I did the friendly thing I always do, which is to keep staring at my screen but growling, "WHAT."
"I thought you might like a donation to your pinata," he said.
And right then I knew, I was a dick.
Anyway, it got here, the pinata did, and day before yesterday we hurriedly sneaked candy into it while Griff was at lunch. Then we had to wait for him to leave for the day, and all gathered around to decorate his desk with blow-up fish (he's a seafood fan, to say the least. One wonders if he was a mermaid in another life) and tinsel and a lovely card, in which people had signed things like, "Your smile is what gets me up in the morning" and "Happy 60th!" People are such dicks. That's why I like them.
Did Helen Keller ever actually do anything?
When we got ready to hang the thing, I guess I just assumed there'd be string lying around, which makes no sense given that we are not a string store, but assume is what I did. The guy in the mail room was already gone. So, finally I found these not-working Christmas lights, which we made this guy named Meder hang, because he was still at work and he's tall.
Then we all had to wait for Griff to get to work yesterday, even though we knew he'd pretty much look at his pinata and not react, which is what happened.
I hate people who have three names. It’s so self-important. Take two like the rest of us, asshole.
At 2:30, we had the big pinata-bursting party on the loading dock. "Did we get string?" I asked Bitchy Resting Face Alex, who had said she would do so at lunch. "No," she said, and this is why Griff has just gone crabby. Soon I will be just like him. Sometimes I already am, and The Guy Who Sits Between Griff and Me is in a crank sandwich.
This time we found the mail room guy, and lemme tell you something. If you don't like the mail room guy, there's something wrong with you. He's just a nice, good guy, and he got us a ladder and some string, and next thing you know, we had us a pinata moment.
Ohhh, I see.
Everyone's a comedian.
So that's the short story about the shrimp. The shrimp story, if you will. And now Griff is another year older, and puttin' the happy in birthday.
I've never danced. I don't even respect dancing.