Yesterday I got a new phone, because I was finally eligible for an upgrade, and my current, now former (iPhone, fmr.) phone had a big crack in it, which is what SHE said, and also the flash on it had not worked for years. The point is, here is the first picture I took with my new phone. Well. First-ish. I'm always glad to capture my penis nose on film.
"I'm not. It's a sweater that leaks all over everything. I have little white sweater balls on the rest of my outfit." I am never one to not tell you every detail. Ned's lucky I didn't launch into my "My nose is a dick" diatribe.
"Looks like a robe," Ned wrote back.
"YOU'RE a robe," I wrote, which is another horrible thing I've learned from the 25-year-olds at work. If "That's what SHE said" doesn't work as a comeback, usually telling someone "YOU'RE a [whatever it was they said last]" will accomplish a ton.
"Is that story done? We have a deadline." "YOU'RE a deadline."
We've all been doing that in droves at work, and then the other day, our very dignified boss came back from "YOU'RE a deadline" with "Your MOM'S a deadline."
Editor humor. It's hilarious.
YOU'RE hilarious. YOU'RE an editor.
Anyway. Was super-excited about new phone, and photographed every single molecule of everything yesterday.
After work, Marty, Kayeee, Ned and I screamed on downtown for the SCRABBLE TOURNAMENT! YOU'RE a nerd. It was a fundraiser for the literacy place I volunteer for. I didn't read the rules. BAHAHAHAHAHA.
Because I'm super organized, I didn't sign us all up till this morning. Marty and Kayeeee were a team, then Ned and I were. Here are the hilarious names I came up with for our teams. How do I do it? It's a gift of wit, is what it is.
Ned and I had, like, one word that was worth 42 points, but then we got tired and totally sucked in round two. This is just how I am when I bowl. I do well on the first game, but then I'm tired and not into it the second game. And by "do well" in bowling I mean I don't get a zero the first time.
Those assholes Marty and Kaye, who I hate, beat us both rounds, and Ned and I suck. I was so incensed that I tried to tell Marty HE was a triple-score letter, and he told me that whole "YOU'RE a..." thing is big on Southpark, and did you ever notice boys are forever telling you about Southpark like it's interesting? Southpark is Sex and the City for boys. Anyway, apparently there is a character who is a towel, and people tell him he's a towel and his retort is, "YOU'RE a towel." So.
Oh! Also, the best part of the evening was somehow we all got on the topic of our virginity, and Marty told how when he and his then girlfriend decided to try sex, they went to the library and read about it first before they did it, which by the way is nerdier than going to a Scrabble tournament.
Then I said to Ned, "You've never showed me where you lost your virginity. Why haven't you showed me where you lost your virginity?"
"It was in the butt," said Marty, who wins for best comment of the night. MARTY'S a butt.
Oh! And we won a raffle prize! Six months to a gym, and since we all know Ned is Norm on Cheers at HIS gym, I get to use the prize! My butt's gonna get so cute it'll lose its virginity.
So that sums up my big night of Scrabble. Ned kept trying to find a way to spell "vadge" but it never came up. That's what she said.
Finally, yesterday I told you to ask me questions and I would answer them, so here are a few that you asked me. I will try to do a few a day until I forget because you know how I am.
Megsie said, I would love to hear about your *perfect* day.What would be a joy-filled day for you? How would you wake up? What would you do? Who would be there?
I've answered this before, so some of it is the same.
- Hash browns with onions in it, poached eggs with toast. Strong french roast.
- Some lake in Northern Michigan, on a warm day, with my whole family, even the annoying ones, and Tallulah. Okay, Edsel can come, too, but if it's my day he'd be strangely calm.
- Lunch of salmon like how my mother makes it, with corn on the cob. Strawberries, and really good peaches.
- Getting to pet a puppy or kitten for a long time.
- Nap with sex. Not that sex and I would sleep.
- Mashed potatoes and steak. Lemonade.
- At the end of the day, my family and I would gather around a fire, and even though she's been dead for 30 years, my grandmother would be there and I would sit on her lap even though I'm 50.
- Sleep with crickets chirping and a good thunderstorm later.
That's pretty much all I require. If I got a call that day saying June, we'd love to publish your book, then okay.
PJ asks, If I run into you and Lalula some day, will I be able to love on her and kiss her beautiful head or will she do me harm if I go all "love the doggy, kiss the sweet doggy" on her?
Lu is pretty aloof, really, but she'd let you dote on her. I would never recommend putting your face in that pitty dog's face, but so far she's not been remotely aggressive with any human. Edsel, of all people, showed his teeth to someone once, and I was stunned.
Jeanie asked about allergies, but I was like The Riddler on that one. I had question marks all around me. Fortunately, other readers addressed her issues.
There's something you read every day.