Oh, and one more thing before I tell you this story Ima tell you. Yesterday, my young coworker Ryan, whom you all so inappropriately lust for, came to my desk. "I made deviled eggs!" he said, and lately he's been just cooking up a storm. I cooked 100% nothing the entire decade I was in my 20s, other than schemes to get men to buy me drinks. He offered me some, and I adore me a deviled egg. We went to the kitchen, and as I was eating the first one, I said, "So, how was your weekend, anyway?"
"Terrible!" he said. "I had that stomach bug everyone's been having."
Am vomit time bomb.
So, last night I had my student. We've been working together for a year now, through a literacy program I volunteer with. She is not even remotely illiterate, in fact she can read as well as me. In fact she is smarter than me. But she didn't graduate high school because she had her daughter, her daughter who is now about to graduate high school herself, with honors. My student's goal is to graduate at the same time.
So, on Tuesdays, we prepare her for the GED, at least the Language Arts section. I tried to help her with the math and it was a travesty. It's also often a travesty when I help her with the Language Arts part, because they'll give you a longish essay to read, then ask you questions about it, and sometimes she and I will disagree on the correct answer and then when we check the answer, she's almost always right. One wonders what I am good for.
June. Unh. What is she good for? Absolutely nothing.
Say it again.
So, there we were, just two women struggling to get ahead in this world, and last night we sat down, opened our books,
and talked about sex. Turns out we're both big fans of it.
"I've heard it's different to sleep with a white guy," said my student, who by the way is black, and has been with the father of her children for 20 years, and he, too, is black. "I've always wanted to try a white guy."
"What have you heard?" I asked, shoving aside that boring GEP prep book. "About white men being different?"
Now, here's the part where I could quote my student in all her hilarity, because she will say sex things that will have you on the FLOOR, you will be laughing so hard, but because you are more than likely reading this at work, and your IT department is reading it with you (hey, virgin IT guys!), I will now use extremely clinical and/or euphemistic language to recap our discussion for you.
"Well, I heard that white men will [participate in nontraditional forms of adult time, things that involve the oral cavity. They'll go to the land down under. They'll order the Egg McMuff]," she said.
"Oh, absolutely, they will," I said, all proud of My Shrimping People.
"But then I heard they [are not as endowed as, say, men of color]," she told me.
"I've heard that, too! That black men, are, you know...Are they?" I asked.
"I can't say, because I've only been with black men."
"Well," I said, holding out my hand. "I mean, here's about the size of a regular white guy," I showed her.
She sat back. "Well, that would just piss me off," she said. Then she told me details about men of color and their, you know, parts, their liver turners, that was astonishing, and that I am sorry to tell you I rushed home to tell Ned about, which was probably a mistake.
She said that due to their, you know, largesse, that men of color have no problem with, um...Today's Sesame Street is brought to you by the letter G. They have no problem bringing you a spot of the letter G.
So here is my point. Have you, faithful, slutty reader, ever been with a person outside of your race? Was it actually different, or are we being all, "Oh my god, New Zealand is heaven" when really they have strip malls and Adam & Eve stores off the highway just like they do here?
If it was different, HOW was it different? You can sign in under an assumed name, such as Faithful Slutty Reader, if you want. Because all I've ever done is sleep with college-educated white guys, for the most part. I mean, some of them went to community college.