"What if I met you, and you were still you with all your traits and everything, except for one thing: You loved you the Build-A-Bear Workshop."
I like to imagine terrible scenarios to see if Ned and I would still like each other through them.
"Oh, that would be bad," Ned agreed. "And here are my bears!" Ned gestured enthusiastically. "I make them for my nieces and nephews, but then I make another one, a replica of each bear I create, to remember them all," said Ned, sounding not exactly straight anymore.
I stared at Ned for awhile. "Yeah, I'd have to not like you for that one." I like to imagine the worst KIND of scenarios to see if I could deal with it. What if Ned wanted to sing show tunes during sex? What if Ned was totally Ned, but he really enjoyed the chew? And spit into a paper cup?
Once I got fixed up with someone, and we talked on the phone first, and he told me how he had Yorkshire terriers. He even called them his "Yorkies." We never did make a date. I am sorry. A man does not have Yorkies that some girl didn't leave there, unless he likes him the gents.
"What if I secretly took a picture of your man parts and posted it on my blog?" I asked Ned. "Would you break up with me for that? Would that be a break-up-able offense?"
"Mmmmm...I'd be pretty mad," Ned said.
"But would you break up with me," I asked.
"Mmmm. Yeah, maybe." The way he sounded so calm, I thought maybe I could get away with it.
I just Googled "horse man parts" and was going to put an image up right here, to be hilarious, but now I am traumatized. Don't ever Google that.
Anyway, none of this is why I've gathered you here today. Today I need your input. Your valuable input. As long as you are not a horse. If you are, keep your input away from me.
The other day, a friend of mine told me about a...milestone that had occurred in her life. A milestone that is personal in nature. So personal that I'm not even gonna blog about it here, where we are discussing the junk of the horse, which just goes to show you just how personal.
The point is, she was excited about said milestone, and I giggled at it because I am an excellent friend, and I said, "I kind of want to send you a card. It's too bad there isn't a section at Hallmark for this occasion."
This got us talking about Sections They Really Oughta Have at Hallmark. The "Yay! Your Husband Finally Came Out. We All Knew For Years" section. The "You Finally Stopped Wearing Sweatpants to Parties. Those Antidepressants Must Be Kicking In!" section.
The "I Don't Really Like You, But I Have to Get You a Card" section. Those cards would just read things like, "It's Your Birthday" with nothing else on it. "It's Valentine's Day."
So what else? What other sections should they have at Hallmark? "Sorry Your Pet is Dead, But That Thing Always Sucked."
The "Happy Sexless Wedding Anniversary!" section.
The "Oh, Good. Another Success For You, While I Live at Home at Age 37" section.
I could go on. But I will not.