While Ned swept the house, I Windexed the mirrors so I can see myself, and also Soft Scrubbed the sinks. I got the ends of my robe sleeve wet, and I read once that getting the tips of your robe sleeves wet is like receiving tiny, terrible kisses from the devil, and I have never read anything so true.
So I came in here to blog, and I RIPPED off my robe and sat down.
"Are you getting ready to look at porn? What're you doing?" asked Ned, broom in hand.
"My sleeves got wet," I said, and commenced to blogging.
So here I am, in the altogether, about to tell you about how annoyed I am altogether with my bank and my mortgage company. Really, the only interesting thing about this post is my nekkidness, and given that I'm 50, even that's not very compelling.
Some damn company bought my mortgage company, which was bought by the original company I had in the first place. And Dear People Who Buy Companies For a Living: Maybe YOU are getting rich, but you're fucking it up for the rest of us, and I know you don't care. You don't even care that I'm naked right now.
So my mortgage is due on the 1st, but they give you a grace period of the 16th, which is stupid, and why not just say it's due on the 16th, then? The point is, this new company has not sent me a hello or an account number or payment coupons or ANYTHING. The only way I know I have a different company is my old company told me.
On the 1st, I called the old company, waited on hold. "How do I pay my mortgage?" "Call the new place," they said.
So I did. And I held. PLEASE ENTER YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER.Well, I can't. I don't have one.
PLEASE ENTER YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER.
Oh my god, I CAN'T. Give me a person!
Finally, I got a person, who said indeed, my mortgage would not be late till the 17th, and to call back in a week and they'd have an account number for me by then.
Yesterday I called the place, and after waiting on hold I finally got a person and I asked if I could pay by phone. Of course not. Of course I couldn't pay by phone. God forbid it be easy for them to get my money. They gave me a website to go to, and all sorts of info to fill in, and WITH ALL MY TIME SEEING AS I HAVE A JOB, I filled it all in, and hit Make Payment.
We're sorry. We cannot process this information.
Oh, son of a BITCH. So I put it all in again, and this time it said okay, you have made a payment.
Ten seconds later I got two emails. Your payment was received.
Two emails. Two conformation numbers.
Oh, son of a BITCH. So I called the mortgage place again, waited on hold, again. Had to hear this delightful suggestion that I go online for my convenience, which, yeah. Also, every 10 seconds, they'd interrupt the hold music to tell me to do something or other, "using your PIN number. Your PIN number is..."
PIN number. Why not just TRY to give me a stroke while I already hate you? I kept making a mental note to tell whomever answered the phone, "You know, the N in PIN stands for number." But I did not. Because of course by the time I got someone, I was delirious and my lips were dry like when they finally picked up Tom Hanks from that island.
"Oh, there's no way we can cancel one of those payments, ma'am," said the beleaguered operator. "Just no way."
"I find it impossible to believe there's no way you can reverse one of these payments. You guys were the ones who told me to enter all the info again. This wasn't my fault."
"You could just make two payments!" she suggested brightly, like everyone just has a spare $870 to throw at their mortgage. Wow, what an idea! Thanks, Idea Woman!
After talking to three people there and hearing that hold message about PIN numbers, I gave up and called my bank. "Yes," I said, because you know when you make these calls you always start with, "Yes..."
"Yes, I paid my mortgage today, and the company thinks I wanted to make two payments three minutes apart, because that makes so much sense, but in fact I do NOT wish to make two payments, so can I cancel one of the payments through you?"
"You want to make a payment, ma'am?"
If there's one way to make me come screaming through the phone cord to bang your head repeatedly on your desk, it's to sit there while I tell THE WHOLE STORY and then show you did not listen to one word.
"No, I DON'T want to make a payment. I want to CANCEL a payment. How do I do that?"
Also, "phone cord." Modern.
Because both payments were for the same amount, and OF COURSE THEY WERE, the bank told me they couldn't make a stop on just ONE of them. There was NO WAY they could do that.
You know what everyone was? Helpful.
I called the mortgage company again, and hey, while you're on hold, did you know for faster service you should go to their website at WWW we're inefficient dot com? Also, PIN number.
This time I spoke to a "specialist" and by "specialist" I mean someone in a different room in India, and I hope you're sitting down but they said there was no way--NO WAY!!!--to reverse one of my payments. I had now heard this from 49439492 people there.
"Well, then please note I'm stopping BOTH payments and you aren't getting one till this is cleared up," I said. I got the guy's full name and employee number, and he said he'd make a note on my account.
Then, because my ear didn't hurt enough, I called the bank. Did you know you should pay attention to the prompts because their options have recently changed?
WHY HAVE PROMPTS ALWAYS RECENTLY BEEN CHANGED? WHY? IT NEVER MATTERS ANYWAY, because all you do is push buttons till you can talk to a person who doesn't help, either.
"Yes, I'd like to cancel two payments," I finally told someone.
"Ma'am I'm required to tell you that each transaction will be $35," said the operator.
"Look, YOU'RE the people who told me you can't stop just one payment. YOU'RE the ones who insisted that that is TOO arduous of a task to undertake, so don't charge ME twice because you can't function." Oh, I was Daffy Duck at that point, so pissed was I. I was spittin' from my bill.
There was a pause.
"Ma'am, I see you've never canceled a payment before, so we can give you a courtesy waive this time and you won't be charged."
It's amazing how things are so set in stone at the bank. Fuckers.
So I got both payments canceled, at no charge, and all I had to do was wait for the payments to not go through, then I'd stampede to that convenient website of my mortgage company, the one I now trust so much, and make another goddamn payment.
This morning I got a message on my phone.
"Ma'am, this is the mortgage company. The IT department was able to cancel one of your payments, so just one will go though."