I love how all cats gravitate toward the window from the kitchen to the back room. The fact that their food's there probably helps. Once ALL THESE BOXES get unpacked--what the Christ--I'll have to put something under there so they can still jump up and down without eyeball-less incident.
In this house, I've had Ruby, Francis, Winston, Henry, Roger, Anderson, Lily and Iris. I've lived here seven years, minus my year abroad. So, six years, then. See what a math whiz? Just the other day, my mother--from whom I get my genes--and I were discussing our old next-door neighbor, Mrs. Bertram. She was a lovely person, and we were just crazy about her. Her birthday's November 1. "She would have been 115 this year," I said.
"Oh, really? What year was she born, then?" asked my mother, Stephen Hawking.
For about 14 seconds, here, I was on OK Cupid. I joined it once I got here at this house, saw what a pack of--well, let's be kind. I'm sure BoobManForever is a lovely person on the inside. As is ILoveSexWithYou.
Dear Men of America: Subtlety. It can be a virtue!
Dear Men of America: No woman wants to have a future with JizzSlave. We don't.
I did hear from LovesWhiteWomen, which you think'd be right up my alley, but no.
The point of my three-day stint back on OK Cupid, after which I moved a stone and left the sepulcher of online dating, is that one man wrote me who was in Israel on sabbatical all year, and who'd be spending spring in Paris (me, too), but then he'd be back to his regular career near here...as a math and physics professor.
A math and physics professor. Wrote ME. Oh, how disappointed he'd have been. STRING theory? I mean, I can go get you a string right now from my junk drawer. It's not a theory. God.
I feel like in the four years since I was on that site, it's gotten decidedly sleazier. It's like every unshirted man in the world realized he could go on there with his sexy bathroom mirror selfies.
Dear Men of America: No one wants to meet the guy who takes selfies in the front seat of his car. Have you no FRIENDS?
Maybe it's so sleazy now because it's free, unless you pay nine entire dollars, and then you can creep on people's pages without them knowing, and you can also set your search to only show you hot people. I'm not kidding. You can ask for above-average looks and you can ask for HOT! I only considered for a minute which I'd show up under when the $9 men changed their settings looking for wimmins. I hope I at least got above average.
Why did it not occur to me to go on there as a man seeking a woman and set the thing to HOT ONLY and see if I showed up? It just now, that it's too late, dawned on me to do. This is why it wouldn't have worked out with String Theory.
Anyway, I know it'd make good blog fodder to do online dating, but why don't you go take a selfie in the bathroom? I'm not subjecting myself to that humiliation just for your entertainment. Although I did slap on a Bump-It just to amuse you, so I understand it's hard to know where to draw the line.
The weekend yawns before me with nary a plan, and I know you wish I'd say "yawns before me" more often. Oh, I guess Bitchy Resting Face Alex and I need to paint the other bedroom, right? So, plans. Before me. Not yawning anymore. Plus, I have to recover from my COLD, which in case you've been worried sick is, you know, still here being a cold.