Bye Bye, Pie!

"DO NOT EAT"

I totally have sex hair right now.

Hey! How are you? It's a holiday, which means it's not the 16% reading, it's the .016%. But all three of you get to see my dumb hair. Congratulations!

So my plane ticket is purchased (thanks, Bank of Mom) (yes, I AM 46 years old and still needing my mom to buy me last-minutes plane tickets); I leave tomorrow, the funeral is Wednesday, and then I leave Wednesday night. It's kind of a whirlwind funeral tour. For a while there, it looked like ...friend was gonna road trip with me to Saginaw, but he had a work thing. Stupid responsibility. Funyuns still outselling Responsibilityuns.

Also, I had to search for something to wear to this shindig. I really never wear dresses, because I'm such a tomboy. Get me out there climbing trees and catching a ball. That's where I really feel at home.

So my mother (Bank of Mom) sent me a dress not long ago, and it's black (yes, mom, it is. She insisted it's blue but it isn't) and it has stripes, which seems kind of festive for a funeral, but it's all I got. The thing is, it'd be super perfect if I had some Spanx, which, dudes, for YEARS I had some in the back of my drawer, and now that I FINALLY need it, do you think it's there? I'll bet you anything I said, "Oh I never wear this Spank" and tossed it. Is the singular of Spanx "Spank"?

Speaking of quotes,

I'd like to know who said "DO NOT EAT." Who said it? Who are we quoting, here? Or is it sarcastic and we should TOTALLY eat the delicious silica gel? Which is it?

What does desiccant mean? Are they saying something negative about Desi Arnaz? What can't he do? Or ccan't he do?

Do you know what I have? Is too much time on my hands.

You know who doesn't, though? Is Lily. She is a wreck with all her responsibilityuns. I kind of want to read that Vermont Country Store catalog, but I guess right now it's literally a CATalog. That made no sense, really. I mean, as opposed to all that Desi Arnaz stuff I said earlier.

So I will try to blog at you tomorrow and then the next day, but I will be on the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again. The wife I love is making music with my friends. ...Who said that? One of you said you thought those were the words, and it kills me. My point is, will post when I can.

In the meantime, I am off to buy a Spank, and coincidentally the second Shades of Grey book (I KNOW. But now I can't help myself), and some tanning lotion so if I DO wear that dress I do not look like I got bowling pins up under there.

Y'all enjoy the hell out of your Memorial Day. See? I am doing my part to remember what this day means. I am fighting the Battle of the Bulge, with my Spanx. (June. Completely not hilarious since 5.28.12.)

Money, Pinterest, and Tallulah in a flip

Guess who got a new app for her iPhone?

 

 It has old photos and then you put your own face in there.

Apps. The new way to find yourself looking up seven hours later, going, wait, I'm supposed to be just be HOME FOR LUNCH! Crap!

I always kind of wanted my hair to do that wavy '40s thing. It's almost a mullet.

Anyway. Today I am actually asking for you advice, but JUST ABOUT THIS, so for those of you who cannot wait to get back on and tell me about how repugnant my personality is, forget it.

Remember a few weeks back, when I killed myself to edit a statistics textbook? I got paid for it, and now I can:

1. Pay off a credit card, thereby cutting my credit card debt in half, which has kind of racked up since Marvin left.
2. Go shop and have fun, which I haven't gotten to do since Marvin left, as I have been relatively destitute because I pay for everything myself now.
3. Pay a big amount on a credit card bill (or pay off all of one that has only a small total due) (I have three altogether: my vet credit card, the credit card I had to open when my computer broke, and my credit card I've had forever) and go shopping just a little.

What would you do? Or maybe the better Q would be, what would a sensible person do?

I must go to work now and pray that there is nothing to do all day, because not only do I want to play with my hair app, somehow I said, Oh, maybe I'll sign up for Pinterest, and WHO WANTS TO DO NOTHING BUT PIN INTERESTINGLY ALL DAY NOW? Holy cats.

Okay, so advice, please. Someone tell me to blow it all on shopping, because my wardrobe kind of looks like Door Number Three up there.

June bats her lashes at you. Not that you could tell.

Why do I always think it's gonna be okay to stay up late and watch MadMen? I understand that it is totally worth it, but you should see my bloated self. I look like I slept on a subway grid. Or maybe like I ate 15 Subway sandwiches. Stupid Jerrod.

Anyway I have no time, as I must head off to my job, feeling like Job, but you know what would be good? Is if someone did a Make June Do It re: Latisse.

In case you are just reading me now and did not read me last winter--and wasn't it a cold, lonely winter without me?--I had this thing called Make June Do It, where you wrote in and suggested I do the stuff you were too scared to do: dye your hair black, get a Brazilian wax, scream "FIRE!" at the movie theater, whatever. Then we would all see if I would do it.

I tried the BumpIt. At the end of this post, you will see the category "Make June Do It," and if you click on that you can see evidence of said BumpIt. It was pretty. Is what it was.

We stopped Make June Do It when I was bringing in less dough, but now I am employed full time again so let's bring it back. Plus also, I want to try Latisse and it would be a lot less embarrassing if someone were making me do it.

Oh, and in case you were worried sick, Eat/Pray/Get on my last nerve with your smug horsey self was pretty good! And Julia Roberts (a) looked pretty and (7) was likable, two shocking pieces of information. I really really like the movie Notting Hill? But I can never figure out why Hugh Grant remotely likes Julia Roberts in that movie, as her personality is wanting. If you ask me.

Also, can someone tell me why Javier Bardem never calls me? Is there a Make Javier Do It on his blog?

Okay, bye. And don't forget the Latisse. If you make me get Latisse? And I talk my doctor into prescribing it? I will do a video of me doing the Brooke Shields jerky dance from the commercial. Plus I will come to all of your birthdays with a small shitty gift even though I am rich and famous.

The one where June suddenly says bank

When we still lived in Los Angeles and Marvin was going to school to become a teacher, he said, "Have you considered going back to work and getting a real job instead of freelancing? Because once I become a teacher, I will be making a lot less money."

I really hadn't considered getting a real job. Because I am a partner in life that way. But once he brought it up, I started looking. That was back when you could actually look for jobs and get them, and doesn't THAT seem like 50 years ago. I found a fabulous job at an in-house ad agency at a company that makes things you have heard of, including some pretentious water that if I named it, you'd say, "Oh, yeah! I know that water!"

It's really good water.

I know you think all water is the same, but this water tastes better than other water. For a while we did not get it for free at work, but then we did right before I left. Yeah, thanks.

Anyway, the point of my story is, I did make a lot more bank, and how much do you like me for saying bank, and before I forget a lot of people asked about Marvin's garage sale and he made SIXTY-FIVE DOLLARS this weekend. But back to my riveting story about my job in LA.

I loved that job so bad. We had free yoga at noon, an on-staff curator, free flowers we could take home, coworkers I am still friends with who read this blog (hi, Anthony!) (hi, Stephanie!) (hi, Virgo!), but the thing is, it was 16 miles away from my front door. Which translated to LA means it was an hour drive each way.

So I told Marvin I needed a satellite radio. Because otherwise I was going to be like Michael Douglas in that one movie where he gets a machine gun and blows everyone's head off on the LA freeway.

Then Marvin could not find a teaching job in LA because it is really competitive so I had to quit that job anyway and move here, and I insisted that I get to keep the satellite radio. Because now I am hooked.

Which leads me to the point of this post. My satellite radio has a '70s station, and also an '80s and a '90s station. It does not have a 70's station, because the '70s do not own anything, nor are we saying "70 is." Thank you. You want to send shivers down my bottle? Be sure to write 70's.

Because I spend an inordinate amount of time listening to my '70s, '80s, and '90s stations, I have been reminded of all sorts of times from my past, which I am sharing with you. Isn't it funny how a song will put you right back in a certain time? Here are some songs and here are their attached memories:

• Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order. In the late '80s, my friends and I followed this cover band around every night from bar to bar. When I say every night, I mean we were there on Thanksgiving. I do not know if they played on Christmas, but if they did, we were there. We were obsessed with this band. One of the songs they played was Bizarre Love Triangle, a song I loved. Sometimes they'd play it as soon as we walked in, because they knew we'd dance to it. When I linked this song just now? I danced to it in my robe, with Henry looking at me.
• Jealous Guy by John Lennon. Really, any song by any Beatle and there I am, back in my childhood.

When my white-'fro parents were not listening to the Beatles, I was at my grandmother's house, and my aunt and uncle were blaring out the Beatles over there. I'm sure my grandma was thrilled. She was hanging her goat high.

I really like the song Jealous Guy, and I also like the song Junk by Paul McCartney, but apparently Paul McCartney has, like, Fort Knox on all his songs and you cannot put them up on any blog. Lighten up, Paul. Don't you think you probably have enough bank?

• Tempted, by Squeeze. There is NO SONG, no song, that transports me to college more than this song. I am in my boyfriend's dorm room, watching his put Spritz Forte in his pompadour. I am sitting on the floor with my housemate Edie, screaming the lyrics drunkenly. I am bartending at Small Planet, dancing to this song and pouring beer. I mean, Tempted. So college. Love this song.

Yes, I DID decide a perm was a good idea when I was in college. A PERM. Maybe I wanted the 'fro to be like my parents.

• Black, by Pearl Jam. One of my favorite songs, anyway. But I moved to Seattle right when the whole grunge thing was happening, which I did not do on purpose. This song reminds me of getting to Seattle, and falling in love with it, and going to clubs, and wearing black and trying to seem deep and depressed and not naive and Midwestern which is what I really was.

• Let Love Rule, by Lenny Kravitz. In the summer of 1990, I studied in London. I had a stupid boyfriend who was an archeology student, and he was going to Mexico all summer to dig something up. He never called or wrote the entire summer. Not once! It was hard to get ahold of him because he was in the middle of nowhere, so I spent all summer worrying he didn't like me anymore.

        One of the guys in my study group knew I liked the song Let Love Rule, and one afternoon he stood under my balcony and played guitar and sang it. It was so cool and it cheered me right up. Every time I hear that song I remember that beautiful sunny afternoon in London, in the middle of the park where I lived, that goofy guy singing Lenny Kravitz to cheer my ridiculous self up. I was in LONDON! I was YOUNG! I was CUTE! Why didn't I just lighten the eff up?

Okay, obviously I am at Stonehenge here and not London. Same summer, though. Nice front butt. Maybe I wasn't as cute as memory serves.

What songs remind you of stuff? Do any songs remind you of making bank?

Ooh baby before you bump it won't you shake it just a little for me. (Make June Do It.)

In our second installment of Make June Do It, your faithful servant June has used the Bumpit.

The Bumpit is apparently something they advertise on infomercials, and frankly June is surprised she has not (a) seen said infomercial and (b) been wildly tempted to purchase it, because you give June EIGHT SECONDS with any infomercial and she desperately needs whatever product they're selling.

Ohmygod, I SO.NEED. that dog dehydrator! My dog is way too wet. And what? They're throwing in the menthol grater? MY MENTHOL HAS NEEDED GRATING FOR SUCH A LONG TIME.

Seriously, I cannot tell you how they can show me something I do not remotely need, and they have me hypnotized instantly.

Did I ever tell you about when Marvin caught me buying the Escape Your Shape videos at 4 in the morning? In one of his better lines, he said, "You're gonna WANT to escape your shape when I get done with you! Hang up that phone!"

His menthol is so never getting grated, is all I can say.

At any rate, when several of you asked me to try the Bumpit I did not know what it was. Fortunately, Faithful Reader Shana had not only heard of it, she was sucked into buying it and gladly shipped it off to me. I forget if her hair was too silky or she never got around to it or what the story was. Whatev. The Bumpit was mine.

There are like 79 pieces to this item. It was like getting Lincoln Logs or something. I had to read the directions before I began.

Who is 892 with her reading glasses? Who might as well hang it up and just join one of those Red Hat Societies, with her super super colorful busy reading glasses?

Anyway, here's one of the pieces. You pull a bunch of your hairs up and stick it in there, and because my hair is the consistency of a pipe cleaner, that's no issue.

Hello? Is your Bumpit running? Do you have Prince Bumpit in a can?

Did you really think I didn't have to fool around with it first?

Ohhh, cherie! Come to zee Bumpit and we will zee Paris! (I have no idea why this is French.)

LaVar Burton called from the starship Enterprise. Wants his glasses back.

Okay, anyway, I finally put it in my hair. Won't you enjoy the many natural colors of my hair? Who lives in a pineapple under my hair? Spongebumpit Squarepants.

Aaaaaand scene. There it is. Wow.

I see you! You look all bumpy!

Really? It wasn't that dramatic. I kind of have Heather Locklear hair. Right after this I slept with Tommy Lee.

Here's the Bumpit the next morning after my walk of shame from Tommy Lee's house.

Yeah. So, I tried the Bumpit. I can see where it might be kind of cute if you didn't have enormous hair like I do. It wasn't so noticeable on me.

There were also little Bumpits? That apparently you added to the side of your hair? Yeah. Didn't stay in my head.

I hope you've enjoyed your journey with June. I hope you've enjoyed making June Do It. Enjoy your bump day! Get it? Cause it's Wednesday?

Oh, bumpit.

I got 99 problems but a stitch ain't one

Okay, who is obsessed with the "99 Problems" song?

Really, though, the first Make June Do It activity was a bust. Faithful Reader Laurie suggested I go all day today completely unclothed. First I made sure Marvin's friend Ron was not coming over. Because I feel right at home around Ron, but come on, now.

Also? I made Tallulah be naked too.

No, really.

I took her collar off. I figured I shouldn't have to do this alone. I think she is a little worried that it's bath time, to tell you the truth.

Anyway, I got up and took off my pajamas and paraded right into the kitchen, where Marvin was completely indifferent to my Emperor's New Clothes state. Who is over me and my shenanigans? Is it Marvin? Whose fault is it that I have a blog? Is it Marvin's? Suck it up, Marv.

So here's what I have to tell you. You make coffee, sweep the floors, and fluff the couch pillows all naked? Yeah. It gets COLD.

Maybe we should have done this in August. Because, brr.

I felt bad, because I logged onto Facebook, and Faithful Reader Paula From New York's status update was that she is wondering how my naked day is going.

Maybe we all need to be a little worried about Paula.

Oh! And while I'm up, she is our commenter of the week. For something she actually said on this blog, not because she is thinking of me undressed. Go look at Special of the Week on the right column to see her funniness.

So anyway, I am berobed now. Sorry, Laurie.

Oh, and I did keep my necklace on. Which I guess isn't fair because Tallulah had to take hers off.

If I have time today, I will stampede to the Bumpit that Faithful Reader Shana wants me to try for my next Make June Do It. Mostly today I am reading, though, for my OTHER book club. And that reminds me!

Don't forget to finish The Fountainhead soon, because we are having Mince Words with June, my book club, on September 30 at 9 p.m. Eastern Time. Bring your Ding Dongs, as they are the official snack item of Mince Words with June.

This is naked and ashamed June, signing out.

Her name is Rio

Dear people who go to Target,

News flash. We DO NOT WANT TO HEAR YOUR PHONE CALL. Really! We don't care that "Ohhh. Ohhhhh. Oh, that's so sad. Yeahh." You know, it kind of sounds like an emo call. Maybe you could, I don't know, CONCENTRATE ON YOUR FRIEND AND NOT SHOP AT TARGET AT THE SAME TIME!

How much do you like me for saying "emo"?

Plus also, remind me to never, ever go to Target at 5:30 p.m. on a weekday ever again. When I was little, my mother said I used to sit in the grocery cart and screech, "Get out of my way!" at the crowds. I really feel exactly the same now. Maybe I'll CALL SOMEONE AND DISCUSS IT IN THE CARD AISLE.

In other news, somehow we have a slide show now when our computer rests, which happens about .0004 seconds a day. What did Marvin and I do before we had the Internet? You know what? We never did. I remember I moved in with him and he had to show me how to use it. And I found Jennycam and that was it.

Did anyone else watch that? It was this totally regular woman who had camera in her house and you could watch her all day. I.Was.OBSESSED. Ob.SESSSSSSED. with Jennycam.

Anyway, so somehow we get this slide show of our pictures and you have no idea how many times we have sat here like morons looking at all our old photos. Finally I said, "Where ARE all these pictures?" and Marvin said, "I dunno" and so I searched and found them. They were in this file called "Pictures." I know! I am Miss Marple.

Here are some pictures I found.

There's Marvin at our goodbye party in LA. Lookin' manly.

There's me. I'll bet everyone misses my bra strap.

Remember when we first moved here, and I lived here alone and Marvin had to still live in TinyTown for two months? All I had was this chair, the dog, and my computer. I totally sound like The Jerk right now. "All I need is this remote, and this thermos!" Anyway, look at who is little.

Awww.

I guess most of the pictures I plucked out for you from the mysteriously titled "Pictures" file are all puppy pictures of Lu. Look how she was the same size as Winston. Winston would give his left patoo for that to still be the case. Tallulah ate that bed soon after.

Speaking of patoos, if you didn't read yesterday's post you do not know that I proposed a fabulous new idea called Make June Do It, where you have me do things you've always wondered about but for some reason didn't do. Don't annoy me like the cell people at Target; go read yesterday's post so you'll know the rules.

Anyway, it would appear that a great many of you want me to wax myself bald on my lady parts (and I use the term "lady" sort of loosely) and also use some sort of hair implement called the BumpIt. Faithful Reader Shana, you'll be pleased to hear, is sending me her BumpIt. Also too? I told Marvin I had to get a Brazilian.

"No, you don't," he said.

"Yes, I do. I said I'd do whatever as long as it wasn't scary like bungee jumping, and about 8 million people said to do it."

Don't men LIKE the Brazilian? I thought that's why women did it. I have the only husband in the world who prefers the Jiffy Pop look. Nevertheless, I'm gonna do it. Balance Day Spa does it for $50, which is $10 over budget. I will keep you posted re this important topic.

Oh! And one more thing. We are having people over this weekend, so at Target I got some wine, then as I was leaving I almost forgot it. The checkout girl said, "Don't forget your wine! I know that's important!"

Okay. Do I look like WC Fields? Do I have a bulbous red nose (don't answer that)? Why do I look like wine is important? Is it my corkscrew tattoo and "I Heart a Beaujolais Buzz" t-shirt?

She knows wine is important.

Maybe  it was my cell phone ring tone that played "Red, red wine."

Make June Do It

Why is it already 6:56 a.m.? Usually when I write you it is much earlier. I guess I was listening to my talk radio too long. The hosts are Democrats, and you can imagine most of the listening audience are Republicans, and OH! the drama. It's fun.

Anyway, since I can't talk, I will tell you my new idea. What if we have Make June Do IT?

Like, say you wanted to try a new product. You sit through a whole infomercial and you really want the item but don't dare buy it because your husband would smack you in the snout. Write in and make me do it!

Perhaps you have always wanted to try hot yoga or that Brazilian hair straightening or a chicken curry recipe but are afraid you'll hate it. MJDI!

I don't know how I'd do this without going broke. Maybe we should have a limit, like, I can only spend $40 a month on Make June Do IT.

If you write in with a MJDI, I can compile a little list, or maybe get a (shudder) button that you could click to see what assignments I have. And I could cross out the list as I go.

I will not do anything scary, though, like bungee jump. I have the right to say no, I won't do that. But other than, you know, parachuting or anything horrifying like that, I'm pretty fearless.

What say you? Should we Make June Do It?

(I have just had dreadful visions of "June, I have always wanted to sleep with the FedEx guy...")