That's a line from The Way We Were: The only David X Cohen in the book. It's who Barbra Streisand marries after Robert Redford, and really, how do you follow up Robert Redford, especially when you're a stumpy chubby Jewish schlub, which is how I picture David X Cohen.
The point is, Talu has a cone. If you're not a member of Pie on the Face on Facebook, and we invite you to join us unless you're that guy with the pie fetish who keeps asking to be a member, you don't know about Tallulah's plight, so I will tell it here.
The first person to write me to say they can't find Pie IN the Face gets a cone that they have to wear till New Year's.
Oh, and also, no one tell Ned that Talu's back up on this bed.
So, on Friday night, I noticed a sore on Tallulah's foot, a big stigmata. When I picked it up to look at it, she started shaking, and we said poor Talu. She knows she has to go to the vet because of her foot.
But then on Sunday, the Tall Boy was here and we were all hanging out in the living room, Tallulah included. We were just sitting around talking about Beyonce's mom having sex with her nostrils, and how many people would download the video of Beyonce's mom with two penises in her nose--you know, normal stuff (and I would download that in a heartbeat) when we noticed Talu shaking again.
I called her over to me and hugged her, and the shaking went on for a good five minutes. She was blowing shaky breaths out of her snout, too, and it was awful.
The next morning, aka yesterday, Ned had left for work but came back in. "I don't want to alarm you," he said, "but Tallulah's in the yard shaking again." We called her in and she stood in the kitchen shaking for a good five minutes again, and I called the vet as soon as they opened.
Two hours and $385 later, they know she has a bacterial infection in her foot but they don't know why, and they know her neurological function is good and her bloodwork is excellent. The only concern is she has elevated protein in her urine, which is a pisser.
I still got it even when my dog is sick. And by "it" I mean the ability to be not funny at all.
So old Coney Island goes back in a month to get her urine rechecked and she's on antibiotics, which are flavored, so she just takes them like they're good. Let's discuss dog pilling vs cat pilling. It's the difference between lying on a hammock on a beach and pushing a boulder covered in angry bats up an ice-covered mountain.
The cone is so she leaves the foot alone, and mother of god YES I know about the squishy cones, about 39394933 people have asked me already. One of you was nice enough to send one the last time she needed a cone, and six seconds later she'd found a way around it and was back to chawing at whatever she wasn't supposed to chaw back then.
So, if the foot clears up in a week, we'll know it's a simple infection and not something more nefarious, such as a mast cell tumor, which she's had before. So. I enjoy considering that.
They gave her composure chews for her shaking, but I really don't think she has anxiety. I gave her one, and just for yucks I gave one to Edsel, too, to see if it'd de-asshole him any. I think you can guess the results of that.
When she mentioned the mass cell tumor, and that the protein in the urine is sometimes a sign of cancer, I got that Ima cry feeling, but it wasn't an Ima-tear-up-manfully-in-this-office feeling. It was a I'm going to make an eeeediot of myself with a big wide jack-o-lantern crying face, like the kind Laura Dern gets.
I had to think about baseball to tamp that feeling down and retin any dignity, which, have you met me? Dignity.
I just noticed Nurse Iris has joined Cone-an the Barbarian on the bed.
Poor Lu. I'll keep you abreast. Tonight after work I have an appointment with a personal trainer. I won a free session with her at this wellness fair at work. Then I have my student. This morning we have our work ugly sweater party, and I'm wearing the same sweater I borrowed from a coworker last year and never returned. Best coworker ever.
Tomorrow night is our real work Xmas party, and we actually call it a Christmas party because it's the South and it's illegal to not be Christian. Then THURSDAY is a bowling event at work, I am not kidding. Friday is a party, Saturday is Ned's get-together with his family in Raleigh (I want to spend Christmas in Elmira with my family), and Sunday is an open house at Chris and Lilly's.
On Monday I take my own life if I'm not too tired.
I will talk to you later and update you on iCone's condition.