Last night, two people who abhor Christmas got into the car, drove around for 47 hours to find parking, and made their way through a giant, unmoving, germ-infested crowd to see a Christmas tree being lit downtown.
"Why did we do this?" I asked Ned, as a photographer from the Greensboro News & Record shoved me out of her way to get to something Christmassy. Oh, let me just push this person while I look her right in the eye so I can show everyone the magic of Christmas.
Dear Greensboro News & Record: Your staff photographer is very rude. She was middle-aged and had dark hair. Fire her. Thank you.
Not only was there a tree-lighting ceremony downtown yesterday, but all the shops stayed open, and bands played on the street, people wore Santa outfits and Menorah hats, and there was fake snow. We go every year, but before this, Ned has always lived downtown, so my only challenge was to get down there and then park in his guest lot. This time we were like the rest of the uncool who didn't live downtown.
PLUS, I had to get out of my sickbed, because you know I don't like to drone on, but I have a cold.
Here's the tree, all unlit. I was the only person to photograph it with a cell phone. No one else thought to do it. I wanted to take a picture of all the people taking pictures of the thing as it was being lit, but I didn't want to be not in the moment photographing everyone not being in the moment.
One woman decided to do a panoramic shot of the whole crowd, blinding each one of us with that huge flash on her camera. I hope when she reviews the film, she sees everyone shading their eyes. God, I hate people. Merry Christmas!
The best part of the night, really, was seeing a big dog dressed as Santa, taking an enormous dump on the lawn. Sleigh bells ring! Are you listenin'?
"Why don't we know any rich people to invite us up there?" I groused at Ned. That's where we need to be. Far from the maddening crowd.
Oh, and Lisa Not That Lisa, I did two good deeds despite my general hatred of everyone. At my friend Kit's store, there was a silver strappy sandal out in the aisle, and everyone kept almost tripping on it, and I put it away. Also, we went to eat, and these poor people were looking for a table, and even though Ned and I weren't quite done yet I gave them our table. God, I am amazing.
I walked all through Kit's store without seeing her, which didn't surprise me because she's opened up a new store in Winston and I figured she was there, but there she was in the doorway as I left. And she'd been looking for me! Kit had a birthday treat for Talu. So there was her good deed.
When we got home, I told Ned I was drained. I probably should have stayed in last night, and I felt achy and chilled and even a trifle nauseated after all that activity.
Ned paused. "So, no sex, then?"
In case you wondered what Ned's real name is, it's spelled C-a-s-a-n-o-v-a.
P.S. Merry Christmas!