Bye Bye, Pie!

In which June mentions NEW COMPUTER not at all

Good morning!

Who needs to get past her webcam? Who needs to not show you her hair in the a.m.? It is bad enough in the p.m.

Since I have been unable to talk to you for reals, what with this lack of computer issue--did you know I was having computer issues?--there is now so much to tell. I hope you have nothing else to do today.

 heeeeee, mom bizzy on compruter. what we chew, Tallulaa?

 she not DAT bizzy, eediots. don't let her see you or you gotta pose on dum webcam.

Okay, so REALLY. First of all, I went on a date with the Fireman the other night, and it turns out I had said something to make him think I was dating Dick Whitman, and that's why I hadn't heard from him in so long. Everybody thinks I'm dating Dick Whitman and I'm really not. I gotta stop having friends who are boys.

I let him pick from four restaurants in this cute neighborhood near me, and he chose the pizza place. "What could be better than pizza and beer?" he said. Sometimes Fireman reminds me of Hulk.

The thing was? It was totally pretentious pizza. The toppings were like goat cheese, cilantro, a beret and asparagus or pistachio, Proust, ennui and modern jazz.

"I was kind of hoping for, you know, sausage and pepperoni," said the Fireman. Did I mention the reminds-me-of-Hulk thing? "We wouldn't have shared a pizza, then," I told him, "as I would never get hooves and snouts on my pizza."

I'm a fun date.

Anyway, we got basil, pistachio, onion and Sylvia Plath on our pizza and the Fireman ordered sweet tea instead of beer. I guess he wanted to stay sober lest he start doing an interpretive dance or something.

Afterwards, we went back to my house to hang, which makes it sound like we went to my house to hump, but I assure you we did not. Mostly because Edsel has bought tickets to Connecticut so he can legally marry the Fireman.

That was not one of those if-gay-people-marry-what's-next-people-marrying-their-dogs jokes. I hate that argument. Because it's such a logical next step. Gee, if HUMANS love each other, surely they'll love animals next! Really, though, if I had my choice of marrying one of my pets or someone who thinks that's a logical argument, I would take my pet.

It was more an Edsel-is-a-total-homo-for-Fireman joke. I mean, that dog smiled, he wagged, he whined, he cajoled, and eventually he climbed up on Fireman's lap and went to sleep. I am not even making that up.

 oh, dat you, Andersuns? was dreeming it were fireman.

Hey. I may have a new computer but I do not have new photo skillz.

But you guys! I hook up my phone to the NEW COMPUTER? And it says oh, you wanna download these pictures? And then it goes floooooluuup! and there they all are!

Floooooluuop!

So it was a fun date with Fireman, and he said we were not to speak of my hair all night, because he says I am obsessed with my hair--and who wouldn't be? Have you met this hair? But then I was complaining that my bathroom drain is clogged and he said, "Well it's all your HAIR" so HAH! He brought it up first.

Hah! Flooooooluuuuop!

Anyway, then yesterday I schlepped out in the rain to take Tallulah to the vet, where we learned she is a trifle---curvy. Rubenesque. Full-figured.

you go hell, stoopit vet. no, did NOT order Jimmee John's. what you mean?

This irks me, because I have been giving her less food, and feeding her twice a day, and I think she is (a) sneaking into the closet and munching on dry kitten food whenever she can and (8) bursting into the back room and finishing Edsel's food. So now I have to put the kitten food in a container, and remember to ALWAYS close the gate while Edsel eats, and geez Louise. I have stuff to do. 

Like this.

Anyway. After finding out my dog was a fattie, I got my car inspected ("Yep. It's a car.") and finally screamed on over to the Apple store.

Could there have been more people there? Could they have been mostly teenagers playing on Facebook? Did that irk me at all, because I wanted to actually BUY an effing computer? And when did Topsiders become cool again?

I did get someone to help me, and they were so EFFICIENT! All the guy at the store does is tap something into a phone, then some other young boy brings my computer right to me from the back room. And I PAID for it using this guy's phone, too. For all I know he was a criminal and he just totally stole all my credit card information.

Whatever.

Who needs your identity and/or a credit card when you have a new computer to play with? With which to play. Whatever.

"Whatever" is a big word with me today.

So now Ima sign off, and go read all your comments, because I know there is a comment of the week I already called, and then I know there are honorable mentions, and can I remember any of them? Will come back and announce the coveted prize when I find said comments.

 make mom stop wif webbcam.

yesss. make stop.

P.S. Okay. Just Paula--comment of the week (what else is new?). Hulk--signature line of the week. (I know! Now, what now? Is that even a category?)

Don't go chasing starfishfalls. I know that made no sense.

I don't know if I remembered to mention that ridiculous Roger chewed the cord that attaches my iPhone to the computer, so I have been unable to download pictures from my camera. Why do I have pets?

Then it hit me (ow.) that I bought a plug-into-the-wall recharger thingie® (official name for it) and I realized I could jury-rig it to plug into the computer.

June. The world's most advanced technological blogger.

The POINT is, now I have all these pictures I have been taking for days and now Ima show you and just get used to it.

First of all, here is a picture of the SPARKLY STARFISH I FINALLY BOUGHT.

AAACCKKKKK!

Sorry. The coffee pot just did that beeping again that makes me panic every day.

Anyway, I like how I say the starfish I "finally" bought. I looked at it six days ago. Ohhhh, the waiting and the toiling it took for me to finally get to that starfish.

Remember when Dick Whitman said that art people describe tacky over-the-top stuff as rococo? There is no way this starfish is anything but rococo. Oh and I also bought a headband. See above. And 96 paper bags.

The REASON I finally fulfilled my lifelong dream, or my six-day-long dream, of getting the $11 starfish is I have struck up a friendship with the store's owner, who Ima call Kit. Because it's not her name or anything. I asked what she wanted her blog name to be and she said I could choose but I really like the name Kit so I'm using it.

The point is, when I posted pictures of me going to her store the other day, and could I link to that post more often as though it were the Greatest Post Ever Written? Anyway, when I wrote that post Kit SAW IT and left a comment. Oh, how I wish I could link to comments, just to be obnoxious right now.

So we've been emailing back and forth and having a high time and yesterday I had the intensest day at work and I had to come home and freelance all night (last night's topic? Colic. Do not give me a colicky baby. I always thought that was some kind of disease but from what I read colic is just God punishing you with a really super-cranky baby) so I said you know what? Ima stop off there on my way home and get that starfish.

Oh my God. I have like 80 more pictures to show you and this first one is taking 90 paragraphs.

The POINT is I met Kit, we are in love, we are new best best best friends, and here is my starfish in the bathroom. Yes, he had to pee right away.

OHMYGOD look at him! With his glitter and his teensy spraypainted shells and his GLITTER.  I love glitter. Everything should be sparkly and much too jeweled.

Okay, seriously gonna show another picture now.

They do not love me that much. They love my TLC crackers. Fakers. Cracker-diggers. But at least they were able to shed 92 pounds of fur on me as they gazed at me "lovingly."

Also, I looked through that whole box of TLC crackers and did not see T-Boz or Left-Eye Lopes even once.

Now I am gazing at my own self lovingly. Would put head on own leg if humanly possible.

Oh shoot (ow). I forgot that I took a picture of me in the headband except I had to turn around, bright eyes, and yell at Edsel, who had Anderson's neck in his mouth. But I ended up liking this picture anyway.

Speaking of Anderson and his little gay gray self, he is the first cat I have fed canned food. I have always considered canned food to be kind of junky, and you know no junk goes in THIS body, so why would it go in my cats'? (Yes, I WAS just struck by a bolt of lightning. Why do you ask?)

But he was so skinny--Anderson, not the lightning--and the vet said to get canned kitten food. It seemed weird to feed him canned food made from kittens, but whatever. And do you know he has the softest, gleamiest fur I have ever seen? I have been giving Roger cans, now, too, along with fattening kitten kibble.

Here is a picture that demonstrates not at all that Anderson's fur is lovely. When am I going to win that Best Photography Blog award? I know I am also up for Most Technological, but I deserve both.

Oh. I'm out of pictures to show you. I wish I could take a picture right now, as Edsel is attacking Talu and his feathery tail is wag-wag-wagging, and Roger is leaping around trying to attack said feathery tail.

Anderson is off gleaming somewhere.

June, who looks a little like Dame Edna, sends her holiday regards

 

Nothing says happy holidays like an orange "please rescue our pets other than that black-and-white-one in the back room" sticker.

I'm in the middle of proofreading a deposition, and all I can think of is all of you who took my survey the other day, who said, "I get so sad when I look and a new post isn't there."

So here I am, BLOGGING when I should be working.

Oh, and speaking of that survey? A lot of people said, "I hate it when you miss a day."

I have not missed a day of blogging since November of 2008. And even then it was just one day. There were a couple posts I have eventually taken down, but I do post daily. So keep checking back if you don't see a new post that day.

I have to finish my work, which I would DO if you all didn't make me feel GUILTY that I haven't POSTED yet, and then I have to get a few gifts today, so I took Tallulah to dog day care. Here is the link to her webcam. They have fancy new cameras there now, but I can NEVER get them to work. Maybe you can, Miss Bigbucks, with your highfalutin' computer. Here's the fancy link.

When I told Talu she was going to daycare today, she immediately started trembling with excitement. Who loves her the daycare? As soon as she can see it from the car, she leans across the dashboard so at least her snout will be there a few seconds sooner.

It's so quiet here when it's just cats. The only sound is the bell on Henry's collar, which I wish I could figure out how to remove, because I don't care HOW many angels get their wings, it's irritating.

Oh, and also? I have a question which has nothing to do with bells on a collar. Where's a good place to get big Rubbermaid-ish tubs to store my holiday finery? I've been using cardboard boxes and they aren't weatherproof--news flash. Anyone? Bueller?

Also also, does anyone have a good chocolate-chip cookie recipe? I know I could just buy the tube of them, but I'd prefer my cookies without chemicals in them. Thank you.

Okay, I'm going back to work. Are y'all not working this week? Are you working till the 24th? Marvin used to work for a place that never closed (I refuse to say "24/7." I hate that phrase) and he was scheduled to work Christmas day SEVEN CHRISTMASES IN A ROW. They never rotated the schedule. Sometimes he'd switch with people, but I remember spending a few Christmases without his white arse. Sucks. Does anyone have to work on Christmas? Wouldn't it be cool if Mrs. Claus read this blog? She could complain about how tired her spouse is every Christmas.

Okay, really going back to work now.

P.S. I'm back. Am going to be fired. My friend just sent me this photo of Marvin and me from 1812. Could we look any younger?!