Bye Bye, Pie!

My mother is worried you won't know where to find me

So, again, I have moved. Here is the link: https://bookofjune.com/ See you there! Read more →

[Hey, come over here]

{here!} See you there! Read more →

Lime-a-Ritas with Laura Ingalls Wilder

I hate podcasts. I'm SORRY. I'm sure your sister's really is magnificent. I'm sure if I just tried [insert fucking podcast here]...or gave a listen to...or have I heard...? Yeah, no. I'm not going to like any of those, either.... Read more →

Iris is on my lap, so...

I am speaking this post into my phone. I cannot imagine the horrificness that is going to ensue. Iris is on my lap, and she is purring and starfish-ing her paws, and I do not have the heart to get... Read more →

June starts out normal, then gets pretty kvetchy at the end

An old boyfriend of mine--from way back in the '90s when we wore clunky black shoes like it was sexy--went on a trip out west recently, and as a result has been showing photos on Facebook. "It's like a new... Read more →

Linear. That's what I am. Yep.

I have a new thing that bugs me. "WHAT? How can that be POSSIBLE, easygoing June!" [Leans into computer, rapt.] When someone refers to any emotion being "at a cellular level." Oh, shut up. Yes, my cells know I got... Read more →

Iris. With some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

This morning I got out of bed and I was all, my leg feels funny. It feels cold on the back. Oh my god, am I BLEEDING or something? Do I have leg cancer? Did I wake up on the... Read more →

Pardon me boy, is this the cat that got-a chew chewed?

I have to get up at a ludicrous hour to get Iris from the emergency vet Monday a.m., as they are an emergency vet clinic and close at, like, 7:30 a.m., so I'm writing this Sunday night. Iris's still not... Read more →

Saturday at the Maul

Today, two dogs attacked Iris. Ima try to tell you all I can remember, although it's already turning into a blur, thankfully. Since before my Year Abroad, I haven't been sleeping with the cats. Ned wouldn't allow it, although he... Read more →

June Gardens' Day Off

I took the day off yesterday to work on my freelance work, and then I never worked on my freelance work. Welcome to me. Welcome to the splendor of me. The first thing I did was get together for coffee... Read more →

June must think of title. June not feeling it right now. June hits Publish anyway.

I worked till 10:00 last night, on freelance stuff, and my real work was busy yesterday, too, but at one point one of you wrote me. "I left you a tip." "Oh, you did? Wow, thanks!" Eventually, I got over... Read more →

Living like a college student w/out the cute body I had in college

I'm $54 overdrawn in my account, I get paid in TEN DAYS, and I just called Ned to borrow $100. I KNOW. You guys. I cannot keep living like this. If you wanna call that living. Seriously, though, here's how... Read more →

June drinks red wine and drones

Hloy CATS. "Hloy," Goddammit. I haven't even HAD any wine yet. HOLY cats. Jesus. In case anyone's thinking of checking me into Promises Malibu or whatever, it's 9:53 at night as I write this. I realize you're likely all in... Read more →

Freelance work is here

For the next week, I will be proofreading a textbook when I'm not at my regularly scheduled job. I will not be here a lot, and also if you know me in real life, I will not be phoning with... Read more →

Joe Lies

I be Hutch. Wear be Starskee? hahahahahaha Anyway. I hadn't had my eyebrows waxed since Wilford Brimley was a child, so I went to Elegant Nail & Tan, which I realize suggests all kinds of featured services that do not... Read more →

The many photography talents o'June

Yesterday I asked you for stuff to blog about at lunchtime, but then lunchtime neared and someone I freelance for said, "Can you do this really fast?" and I said, "$ure," and who's sick of my dollar signs for Ses?... Read more →

Help June blog

I overslept. I went to bed last night, as I told a friend of mine, somewhere between old lady and clinically depressed o'clock. The whole migraine weekend screwed me up. So, do the thing. What do you want me to... Read more →

The one where June's family assumes she's missing, has fit

I woke up Thursday with a migraine, which is annoying. When you wake up with one, there's really nothing you can do. It's often too late to take medicine. But took some I did, and fortunately it worked, so I... Read more →

I foresee terrible trouble. And I stay here just the same.

Now that Edsel's dog brain has snapped and I have to literally go outside with him (as opposed to figuratively going outside with him, the way I used to. "I'm outside with you in spirit, Eds!"), I realize it's really... Read more →

Somebody better put your bag into your place

Yesterday's family stories were hilarious. I knew I'd like them. All day I wanted to tell you my friend Dave's family story, one of 3949493944 of them that he has, but I was doing that pesky work thing, and then... Read more →

These darn shoes

Last night, I got home from work at about 6:00, fed everyone, then flumped onto the couch, only to jolt awake at 8:30 after having slept like a toddler all evening. Then I went to bed last night and slept... Read more →

The one where June gets sick as she types.

I'd just like to thank Dr. Antibiotic, inventor of the antibiotic, in 1512, and you can fact check that. For I flumped into the doctor on Friday feeling truly horrific. I wanted to sleep and not go to the appointment,... Read more →

3/3/17

I am still sick. I know, man. This it it. Elizabeth, I'm coming to join you, honey. I'm going to the doctor at 4:00. IF I MAKE IT THAT LONG. In the meantime, a Realtor, and yes that really is... Read more →

Marzo Thomas

Look how well my daisies are doing! ...I got flowers for our receptionist on Valentine's Day, and I over bought and couldn't fit all of the flowers into one vase, so I was all, "Guess I own daisies now." And... Read more →

June. Silently bearing her cold since...oh, shut up.

I still have a cold. Oh my GOD, I feel miserable. I'm all cloudy and achy, and I absolutely have to go to work today; there's a big meeting with big bigwigs from bigwig-ness at work, of which I am... Read more →

Take a survey; control June's life

I haven't wanted to ruin what I'm certain has been a stellar weekend for you, but I've been under the weather. I know. See? I knew your mood would plummet. Turning to your Big Binder of June Events (at this... Read more →

Taquit-oh, June

Ned has to move. Did I tell you that? Our gaylord--well, HIS gaylord, is selling the place, a thing we distinctly asked him about in 2014 when we moved in, and he said he had no intention of selling. Of... Read more →

Beelzebub has a devil cat put aside for me

In case you've been on pins and also the needles re my sore throat, I seem to have rallied. Because I'm tough. But I'm fair. Also, yesterday I started a new headache study, which I can tell you very little... Read more →

Be cool, Edsel

You know how I hate for anyone to make a fuss, but my throat hurts. All I ask is that you stampede to your local Catholic church and light a candle. Or put one of those vague posts on social... Read more →

All Thus

Pfft. I thought today I'd categorize the many areas of my life and update you on how they're going. I remember some friend of Ned's said there are five fingers to life, and I'm not going to remember them all.... Read more →

Rare. In the bloody way, not the special way.

Do you think of yourself as normal? I have never once, for as long as I can remember, considered myself to be normal. And I'm glad of it, although I haven't always been. I doubt anyone else finds me normal,... Read more →

Simper Fido

Stupid Valentine's Day. I know it's my favorite holiday and all, BUT THIS YEAR IT'S STUPID. It was last year, too, watching all those heifers at work get flowers. I did already get a lovely Happy ValenTIME's Day text from... Read more →

How many of them hormones you been takin', honey?

Yesterday evening, after a very busy day that I'm sorry to inform you Ima tell you about, I headed to the grocery store to get cat food, because the cupboard was literally bare in the cat food department. I really... Read more →

Thank heaven for Angie's List

I've been working. You know how I told you money is tight? Like, hello boa constrictor tight? Like, night before payday I can't have dinner tight? One of the millennials at work told me you can take surveys online for... Read more →

The Big Game

Yeah, well, so. I saw Ned again. I KNOW. Everything you're gonna tell me, I already know. I KNOW, okay? Goddammit. On Friday, I went to a goodbye party for one of the Alexes, one who's actually named Alex, and... Read more →

Ned sighting

I saw Ned. Fifty-five days I've been alternately avoiding running into him or, on difficult days, hoping I do. Fifty-five days I've been obsessing, and being angry, and then missing him, then feeling determined and OH HELL THIS IS RIDICULOUS.... Read more →

She's mite-y mite-y, just lettin' it all hang out

I know that since you got the news yesterday about my dust mite allergy that you've been hoping and praying and writing your congressmen and so on, but I'm still here. I want my bravery to inspire others. I particularly... Read more →

Save June

Yesterday was a queer day. Did you ever see The Color Purple, when Celie says that about the weather? "It was a queer day." I always liked that line. When I was a kid, the word "queer" was all over... Read more →

What's the best cereal? When did you look your best?

I took this yesterday and just now noticed the cross growing out of my head. How'm I gonna wear my hats? Crap. I have an early doctor's appointment (finally going to the allergy place) so I've got to go. Talk... Read more →

June gets stuck on a thing

I'm trying to think of what I did all weekend that kept me from blogging. Since blogs are out, shouldn't I come up with another verb? Website-ing. By the way, there's a woman at work who's our social person, and... Read more →

Turns out, brows really affect your look

Yesterday I came home from work, as I am wont to do, and I was putting my many many goddamn bills away in my cute bill-holder '60s thing. I moved it with me all the way from LA. Cute bill-holder... Read more →

Moo. Yakety yakety yakety.

Edsel stuck his paw straight up my nose this morning. Managed to get a claw in each nostril, and now m'nose hurts. So I gotta fit a trip to the pound in along with my regular duties. Maybe I could... Read more →

Terror, or a mild annoyance, in the night

"June." It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'd been half-awake already for whatever reason. ...did I just...did I just hear my name? I waited a second. Nothing. Maybe a cat moaned in a way that sounded like "June." As... Read more →

Facing June Addiction

Yesterday, I got up early to go to the allergy doctor. I hurried around, and tore over there to be on time, and when I got there, right at 8:00? They were closed. I walked up to the door and... Read more →

56. Steely Dan just walked across the dang keyboard and typed "56," so let's let that be our title

It's Sunday night, and while I should be watching The Wonderful World of Disney while my mother sprays Hair-So-New on my tangles and tries to roll up my June hair onto bristle-y rollers, instead I am writing you. Isn't it... Read more →

Oh, I'd like to, but I have to translate Mandarin

Well, I did it. I lived through my anniversary with Ned without caving and talking to him. It's now been 40 days since I've seen him. So basically he's Lent. I mostly just tried to not be swallowed by my... Read more →

Cats

[Insert song from Cats here. I know of none. Is "Cats in the Cradle" from Cats?] I took this of Lily yesterday when I was playing Blu with Edsel in the back yard. She's really an indoorswoman. Door's wide open... Read more →

Pan in the azz

I just let Edsel in from the rainy morning, and I watched as he avoided both--both!!--mud-trapping rugs I have laid out in the back room. Dogs. they're a pleasure. You know, I don't understand him. I can tell that he's... Read more →

Click here. You won't believe what happens next.

The other day, I was doing some crucial cosmetics shopping with my equally deep friend Alex from work. (I ended up getting a color-correcting stick that makes me look like Kabuki theater, and a brown lipstick I thought would be... Read more →

June would make heart hands, if heart hands didn't make her want to kill everyone

Awhile back, I read a really funny article about a woman in an abusive relationship. As you do. You know how some things you read just stick with you, and 45 years later you're at the home telling your roommate,... Read more →