I'm not gonna lie to ya. I was at a job interview in Winston-Salem. I am going to make cigarettes.
No, no. But I don't want to say anything about it cause I don't wanna jinx it. Because that's a rational way to think.
Let's just say that had I been offered a job kissing kittens all day while lying in Barry Gibb's hot tub wearing a Hello Kitty rhinestone maillot, it could not be better. Oh, this would be a cool job.
At any rate, I got to the interview a mere one hour and 40 minutes early, and seeing as I would seem like a total PSYCHOPATH if I showed up an hour and 40 minutes early, I wandered around downtown Winston-Salem. How annoying to have to hyphenate a city that way. I wonder what people who live there call it? They can't possibly go through all that punctuation every time they write it.
You know, it's funny. Peoples is funny, Jim. (Someone once said that to my Uncle Jim. It is my favorite thing anyone said to anybody. Ever.) As soon as I get to a remotely big city, I forget that I no longer LIVE in a remotely big city. It's like I glide right back into that life. Crowds? Yay. Driving around looking for parking? Okay! It's like no time has passed since I did that before.
So, I drove around and looked for parking, which was tricky but maybe a tenth of the trouble one would have parking in downtown LA, not to mention meters were a quarter for an hour, and in Santa Monica a quarter gives you EIGHT MINUTES, I swear. And after I parked, I meandered to a Starbucks, where I had me a steamed almond low-fat milk. I cannot recommend it enough if you've never had one.
Then I strolled over to an art gallery, where I looked at paintings and bought some lovely dangly earrings that are rows of small silver hoops with pink and green beads on them.
Finally, I looked in windows and peered inside the art and language school. Oh, it was wonderful. The wind was blowing like a banshee. A cow flew by and then a lady was riding her bike through the air, laughing in a screechy way.
Don't you wish you had your own theme song, like the Wicked Witch of the West? People would say, "Where's June?" and then they'd hear my theme song, dodododoDOdo, "Oh, she's over there." Or as I left the room, dodododoDOdo, and there I'd go.
Also? I am seriously thinking of playing "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead" at my funeral. Don't you think that'd be kind of funny?
I do not know how I got off on a Wicked Witch tangent. Oh, the wind. Yeah. It was blowing. So, my HAIR during the interview could have been better. But remember it's short now, so the wind effect was way less tragic than it could have been.
I have to go run now, but I did want to tell you something health-related, since, you know, that's supposed to be this year's theme and all. So, I had my brown outfit planned for the interview. But when I put on the brown outfit? I looked ridiculous. I do not know why. It just HUNG wrong and I looked like a scarecrow, which does not say "Hire me" unless you are a corn farmer.
So I have one suit in the whole world, which I bought in 2002 when I interviewed for a job I did not take. The pants are size 8. Size 8 did not call. But Marlon Brando did. He wants his waistline back. I have not been able to squeeze my lower half into those pants since it started getting Hot in Herrrre. (That was the most popular song in 2002. Heaven help us.)
Anyway, I put them on today and guess what? They fit! Now, I know I have not lost any weight, but you guys must be right, that it's getting redistributed.
You want some?
