Bye Bye, Pie!

May I have your attention, please?

Everyone in my family talks at the same time. You know the part where I never shut up? I mean, you kind of don't, because you have never really talked to me, but you know the part where I post... Read more →

You just don't find any Ritzes described as "out behind the Bob Evans." Is the thing.

Dear Gitmo, I apologize. I seem to have wandered onto your facility. Really, you should work harder on that security thing. When we shut off the light over our saggy, creaky, walnut-sized bed last night, it was like in The... Read more →

The White Cat

Marvin just took the turtles back to school; the art teacher is going to take care of them for us. Our neighbor, Peg, is pet-sitting. Marvin also bought a bag of snacks that I do not enjoy (licorice and goldfish)... Read more →

James Michael Blondin

died today at 1:57 p.m. My Aunt Sue said she figured God must have been bored and needed someone up there who'd stir things up. But oh, how we're gonna miss you down here, Uncle Jim. Read more →

The blue thing from when we stepped on a glass at our wedding. And if that title doesn't suck a reader in, I don't know what will.

Yesterday, I included a picture from my wedding day, which was 50,00 years ago, before everyone had cell phones and felt the need to constantly text each other and Skype and Hulu and whatever else you all do out there... Read more →

The day we offically got uncool

Marvin and I were gadding about all day, and then when we were done I said, "Let's go to Target on a Saturday in the afternoon, because that's sure to be relaxing and enjoyable, and also because we need bird... Read more →

My LA life comes back to haunt me

About a year and a half ago, I told you all about our really cool apartment in LA, and how the stay-at-home actor guy who moved in and scammed our landlord basically drove us out of it. Here is the... Read more →

Marvin's modern dance moves

A. Marvin bought Mint Milanos and did not tell me. What sort of demon does not reveal this information? He put them in the refrigerator, because he cannot remember we no longer live in LA and will not be invaded... Read more →

I never really liked you all that much

Yesterday I called my Uncle Jim's house and left him a message. I didn't even know if he'd be able to listen to it; I wasn't sure if he was alert or what. I told him that despite the COUNTLESS... Read more →

Maybe March is the cruelest month

Everything in my yard is just starting to come alive, and my Uncle Jim is dying. It's like my whole yard is mocking me. Read more →

In which June discusses everything and nothing

It is 11:07 a.m. and I am printing out a job to proofread and drinking coffee out of my Bye Bye, Pie mug. It has been awhile since I hawked my merchandise. Be cool! Buy Bye Bye, Pie! merchandise! Wow.... Read more →

Pollyanna

My across-the-street neighbor has azalea bushes--well, really, everyone in the South has azalea bushes, it is kind of a requirement, along with ham biscuits and humidity. But hers are just glorious. They bloom into every color possible in the spring.... Read more →

And I ran. I ran so far away.

I just got back home, because today is my holiday. It's marathon day here in Greensboro. And no, I don't mean we're all eating Marathon candy bars. Do they still make those? I am not a fan of caramel-only candy... Read more →

Talu fill in

Mom get up. Every day I look at mom hair. It do different thing every day. It interesting. Mom and her hair go to machine in kitchen where she make the hot brown water come out. When the brown water... Read more →

Breaking celebrity news

Okay, wait, what? Sandra Bullock's husband really slept with someone else? Y'all know I am off celebrity gossip. I had not heard of this until it was on my CNN page. WHO did he think he was gonna find who... Read more →

Shock the monkey

I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth when Marvin picked up my Oprah magazine. " 'Oprah's battle with food is over,' " he read. Then he said, "Food won." It was one of those terrible things he says that... Read more →

St. Patrick's Day. The day we all gather around and cut soap.

Every year, I think about writing my post in green on St. Patrick's Day and every year I never do it, because my blog is annoying enough. I would like to give a shout out to Emma, my friend Dottie's... Read more →

An entire post about calendars, and I really did have stuff to talk about, like the BIRD BEAK I pulled out Tallulah's mouth.

I have to go to the post office today to mail my father a calendar. I KNOW. It's March. It's the middle of March. And by the way, two different times yesterday I mentioned the Ides of March and got... Read more →

Yep. I'm back.

"Scrape! Scrape!" That was the sound Henry was making as he dragged his evil cat claws against my great-grandmother's doily, which rests on my dresser. "Mmmm!" That was the sound Tallulah kept making, because she gets distressed when Henry is... Read more →

Red-eye flights. Screwing people up since whenever they invented red-eye flights.

I got home at 9 a.m. and then I just woke up. Tallulah was zero inches from me, by the way. She was doing the thing where her snout was up the back of my neck and in my hair.... Read more →

Darn, that's the end

There is a woman parading around the breakfast room in a fur coat. She could not be fitting less into the Seattle scene if she were wearing a tiara. If she had on a tiara, at least she could pretend... Read more →

Dry

Blueberry scone today. And black coffee. Blllack poison coffee. Is hearing about my vacation like having to look at someone's vacation pictures? And you know what's even worse now? You don't have to just look at someone's vacation pictures; you... Read more →

The Russian

I am back in my fishing-for-a-compliment breakfast room, where I again received nary a compliment and come to think of it, no fish, either. In case you were burning with curiosity I had a piece of toast (whole wheat, with... Read more →

June, her chargers, and her ashy cat check in from the Emerald City

Oh thank God, a computer. I am in the complimentary breakfast room at my hotel, and I would just like to point out that I have received not one compliment yet, so hmph, and I saw these quiet little computers... Read more →

Why my dead cat is going with me to Seattle

Here is what I packed for my trip: Black sweater Black shirt Brown sweater Gray sweater Sweater that starts out black then becomes gray at the bottom I know, right? Stop with the bright colors! You're hurting my eyes. I... Read more →

Why I'm going to Seattle

I'm flying to Seattle on Tuesday because my friend Paula has breast cancer. Why can't I crop a picture? Everyone else can crop pictures. It's a simple rectangle shape. What is wrong with me? Anyway. I know I have told... Read more →

The Academy Awards: June gets shallow

Okay, I'm here at Marty Martin's. He had a red carpet on his front steps. Heart him. He has all movie-theme food: nachos, hot dogs, Milk Duds, popcorn--but everything is homemade and to die for. Marty M says to tell... Read more →

June-y

This is one of my favorite pictures ever. I love how my earrings match the, you know, tower. It was 1990 and I was 25 and in Paris, on a Ferris wheel. I had the world by the tail. Why... Read more →

Seriously boring today. I think it's the sickle-cell anemia.

On Tuesday, I am going to Seattle for five days, and it's a whole thing, and I am taking Mr. Horkheimer, my dead cat, and I will tell you all about it on Monday, because you need photos and the... Read more →

Midnight special

Last night Marvin made me watch episodes of The Midnight Special from 1978. Does anyone remember The Midnight Special? Does anyone remember 1978? The Midnight Special, and I am getting really annoyed that I have to keep going back and... Read more →

Fringe

I understand that I have the world's most fake smile in this photograph, and I do not know why. However, as soon as I took this picture, the stupid stupid stupid battery died on my camera and that was the... Read more →