Bye Bye, Pie!

BR-549

Francis thanks you all for yesterday's birthday wishes and says now you can all go away again. Usually I get Fran a bag of Baked Lay's for his birthday, but he has gotten so fat I could not bring myself... Read more →

If you thought he was angry before, now he's a teen

Today Francis is 13. I have never had a cat live to be 13. Naturally, it has to be my cat with attitude who keeps a-going. I know I have told this story before, but people come and go from... Read more →

This is bull shi tzu

Remember when Henry was just a little bitty bite of a kitten and he and Tallulah were the best of friends? They still are. Henry also seems to feel it's his job to ensure Tallulah's cleanliness, and some day Talu... Read more →

Wasabi afraid. Wasabi very afraid.

There is a reason this nonaward-winning blog is so valuable. You can learn from my mistakes. For example. If you were thinking, "Hey! Maybe a bag of wasabi peanuts for dinner would be good!" I can tell you from the... Read more →

Celebrities who bug

I was pleased that so many of you felt the same way I do about Julia Roberts. I figured everyone else thought she was just lovely and I was the only Crabby Appleton. Here are other celebrities who make my... Read more →

Treat?!? Treat!? Pieces of Wisdom Wednesday

Goodness, you all certainly like to indulge yourselves. And I am glad of it. Nothing's worse than some I-have-no-time-for-myself martyrdom. Cut it out. Is what I say. Maybe I could take over Dr. Laura's soon-to-be-vacant position with my fine advice.... Read more →

Wedges of Pieces of Wisdom

I have had three--three!--female friends get divorced and then become obsessed with horses. What gives? One of my friends says her paychecks should just be automatically deposited to the kennel or whatever it's called. STABLE. It's called a stable, isn't... Read more →

June bats her lashes at you. Not that you could tell.

Why do I always think it's gonna be okay to stay up late and watch MadMen? I understand that it is totally worth it, but you should see my bloated self. I look like I slept on a subway grid.... Read more →

I'm free! To do what I want! Any old tiiiime. So I'll do drudgery.

I finished my freelance work!!! Yesterday, I worked from 9:15 a.m. till 7:00. P RIDICULOUS P.M.! Happy Saturday! Then I had to stampede to Target because I am out of my meds--can you tell?--and guess what closes at 6:00 on... Read more →

Just put your lips together and blow

This is one of my favorite scenes from a movie. It's Almost Famous. Marvin worked on this movie. I got to go to the wrap party. He told me people got all dressed up for wrap parties, so I wore... Read more →

June goes bi

Hello, young whippersnapper. I am trying to type you with my #$&&$@ new bifocals. Would you like a bottle of sassafras? Say, isn't that the calliope I hear? Let me get my big hearing tube. The circus must be a-comin'!... Read more →

Elephant woman

I am blogging at you on Wednesday night because I have to be at the headache clinic at 7:30 a.m. on Thursday. That sounds like a hoot, doesn't it? I get to get my blood drawn so they can make... Read more →

Pieces of Wisdom Wednesday

So, how many weeks do you give me before I forget to do Pieces of Wisdom Wednesday? Do you think it'll be next week? That's pretty much what I'm thinking. In case you didn't tune in yesterday-- --oh, and let... Read more →

Pieces of Wisdom Wednesdays. Because who loves herself and her big ideas?

I have a brillllllliant idea. Brilllllliant. And yes I AM trilling my Ls in my head when I say that, like I'm Julia Child or something. Am I the most annoying person you have ever met? Okay, wait. I just... Read more →

Hide your wife, hide your kids, hide your husband

I was trying to copy edit something yesterday, and Marvin was all next to me, giggling. "Giggle," he would say, shaking the whole couch. He knew he was irking me, and he kept trying to do it quietly. "Pfffff," he... Read more →

iPone Preoccupied

I took this with my iPone. Maybe I should twist it right. Does your neck hurt? Eeeeeexcellent, Smithers. Who's my pretty cat? Is it Winston? Does he care deeply about being the subject of my iPone play? Am I ever... Read more →

Mansion in the skyyyyy

Oh, I hate EVERYTHING. I just spent half an hour writing you about my whole stupid stupid stupid idiotic 24 hours and then I LOST THE $#&%@@*& post! Have I mentioned I hate everything? Okay, so let me REITERATE. Sigh.... Read more →

objects

My father took this while we were in Colorado. Did I mention he's a better photographer than me? Read more →

In which June invents the word "juzzes," which is even stupider than when she invented "sparklefraffle."

Say! Did you jam out to the part where I posted last night? What I enjoy about me is I'm true to my word. My word is gold. Okay, shut up. I didn't get home till 7:30, and then I... Read more →

Have it your way

I have to go to work early today so I can't post till tonight. Whatdaya want me to talk about when I get home? Read more →

A hodge and a podge. Hey, at least we all get to stop looking at my arse. Actually, that isn't true.

You know those phony posts where I have eight million topics? Yeah. Okay, first of all, I was having a deeply intellectual evening recently, wherein I was smelling the perfume samples that came in a magazine. I said to Marvin,... Read more →

In which we all see June's buttockals

I stayed up late watching Mad Men last night, so I got no time to gab. I leave you with this stunning photo from my childhood. I could not even be bothered to pull up my pants before I stopped... Read more →

Mince Words with June: Breakfast with Buddha

I already said I loved this book. And I did love this book. How annoying am I that I have loved all the books we've read for book club so far? Don't you wish I'd just effin' hate one of... Read more →

Tabaccky

"Rrrrrggggmmm!" "RRRRRRGGGMMMM!!" Those were the guttural sounds Tallulah made at 5:39 this morning to let me know she wasn't feeling so fresh, and was indeed severely regretting eating that cheese wrapper, a thing I had TOLD her she'd regret at... Read more →

Coco hair. Which could get sticky.

Thank you all for being nice to me yesterday. What would I do without my nice commenters? It's like I have my own Greek chorus. In the meantime, I want to cut off all my hair. Which I always want... Read more →

All My Children

Well, I'm unfunny once again. I lost the Socialluxe contest for funniest blogger. The winners were Cakewrecks, who won last year as well because it's great, and also The Bloggess. Who is funny and gets 9 hundred million readers. So... Read more →

In which we see Henry's underbite

Since yesterday was my friend Renee's birthday, I decided to call her while we were walking Tallulah. Renee lives in Hawaii (I know, right?) and there is a six-hour time difference. Do you have any friends with a six-hour time... Read more →

Lot and that salty ball and chain

Last night I came home from work and stampeded into the computer room to work on that sex book. Yes, I know I am now Sting and Trudy, with that sex book. No human has worked on a sex book... Read more →

Dope

I begin today with a pressing question. How many nights in a row do you wear your pajamas? I need to compare myself to decent people. Or, you know, slobs. Now, see, I should have put that query at the... Read more →

It rain.

It rain here all weekend, and yes, I said "it rain" on purpose. Tallulah has her own Facebook page (if you want to friend her, she's Tallulah Gardens. She hearts friends. Especially friends who have chicken), and one of my... Read more →