I am the least-relaxed person you ever met in your life.
One of my 3948502845 old boyfriends said if I were a dog, I'd be a poodle. One of those really little ones who tremble.
I was much skinnier then. I don't think the "really little" part is relevant right now, though. Just fixating on it because no one ever describes me as "really little" anymore. I hate everything.
Once I had a panic attack at a one-hour relaxation massage at a spa. Honestly.
And I get real, honest-to-God panic attacks. It irks the crap out of me when someone says, "I was over there having a panic attack because I didn't have the right shade of burgundy pumps to wear with this."
Okay, no you weren't. You weren't having a panic attack. You didn't feel like you were quite literally going to die, and that you couldn't breathe, and that your throat was closing up--which is a shame because you are going to barf at any second--and the world is tilting, over your burgundy pumps.
Do you enjoy my shoe example, by the way? 1983 called. Wants its oddly shaded pumps back.
All of my physical woes are because I am the world's tensest person. Migraines, stiff neck, panic attacks, teeth grinding.
And what do I have to be tense about? The hard-hitting world of copy editing? It isn't that stressful of a job, I hate to tell you. Ooo! Semi-colon here, or comma? THE WORLD WILL END IF I DON'T FIGURE IT OUT!
And it isn't my hundred kids and our struggles with poverty in a war-torn region of the world.
I think it is just part of my general constitution. I am just tightly wound. My grandmother used to say she would speak to my grandfather, who I don't remember because he died when I was three, and no matter when it was, she'd say, "June's Grandpa?" and he'd reply, "Whaaaaaaat?" as if her questioning him were the most annoying thing in the world.
I do that all the time. I do not like to be disturbed from my reverie, whether it's reading other people's take on Mad Men online or clipping the cats' claws or searching through the vacuum-cleaner filter for my pendant, if Marvin says, "Hey, June?" it bugs the crap out of me. "Whaaaaaaat?"
So my point is, it's Pieces of Wedges of Parts of Slices of Servings of Wisdom day, and today's question is, What do you do to relax?
Do tell.