While Marvin got me a gift, I totally went to Target. Because where else can you find a hot young salesboy to seduce?
Actually, I was out of my meds, which I suppose has been evident for years. Target was empty and pristine, and the parking lot was a delight. Mmm-hmmm. When I finally burst my way through to the pharmacy counter, which actually really WAS empty, I said to the pharmacist, "I'm Christmas shopping for pharmaceuticals."
Do you know he made me show ID? That was the first time they have ever done that. The humorless rat bastard. Plus, I hear there is a huge market for migraine prevention meds out there. I was gonna turn around and hit the clubs, sell them individually.
Anyway. I bought some delightful things to stuff the stockings of my pets, and yes they have stockings, shut up. One thing I got was this tough rubber toy, I guess it was kind of copying the Kong, but it seemed all educational and PBS-y, because it had all these details about what it did for your dog and how you had to get the right size, and if you got this accoutrement you'd do this for your dog's spirit, and the other accoutrement would do something else, like teach him French or whatever.
Naturally I fell for this whole shebang, and as a side note (what? June is on a side note? Usually she's so linear) last night I was trying to proofread something and Edsel was driving me berserk, so I decided the educational public radio Ira Glass toy could be a Hanukkah gift. I got it out and put in the chewy stick that was supposed to stimulate his brain and lured him into his crate, and he'd eaten the chewy stick and the toy itself in about a minute and a half.
I guess his brain was indeed stimulated.
Then I wandered next door to the PetSmart, there, not that I needed anything from PetSmart, but on Saturdays they have cat and dog adoption days, and it's important that I look at other pets, because I have so few to stare at in my own home.
Well.
Right when I walked in, THERE WAS SANTA. I am not even making that up. "Are you taking pet pictures today?" I asked.
"Yeah," he said. He was the gloomiest Santa you ever met. I considered giving him one of my hot street meds. "I'm here till 7:00," he groused.
While I was holding the cutest little Pit Bull puppy you ever saw over there at adoption days, I called Marvin. "Get the dogs over here! We are becoming those people who get Santa pictures taken with their pets!"
I was kissing a teensy gray kitten and talking with the woman who had trained Tallulah (she has FOUR HUGE dogs in an apartment, so I don't feel like nearly the freak I am when I talk to her) when I heard a chorus of barks. There were 87 dogs at PetSmart yesterday, all of them being good, until my two bozos walked in.
"Anita, I hear my dogs," I told her. "Oh! I want to see Tallulah!" she said, having not seen her since Talu graduated from puppy education classes.
Tallulah immediately stopped barking and leaped onto Anita, which was, like, the day one thing we were taught to stop them from doing. "Well, hello, Tallulah. You're awfully bad," said Anita.
Why my dogs gotta humiliate me? In the meantime, Edsel, who is bigger than Talu now, was bark bark bark bark barking at everyone. "YAP! YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!" Even though he is tall, he still has an annoying puppy yap.
We made our way over to Santa, but not before Edsel sniffed a woman who could not have given me a dirtier look, and I told her we were sorry, but really? You come to PetSmart and get your knickers in a twist because a dog sniffed you? What did you THINK was gonna happen there? It was gonna be like a day at Tiffany's?
At any rate, below is the photo evidence that I have gone completely around the bend.
"Why Santa so sad? Santa hate lyfe? Santa used to be executif and economee force him to be pet Santa? Why this Lu problem? Liten up, Kringle."
"...get ...edsel OUTOFHEER!"
Edsel could not have been more horrified. Perhaps he is like his grandpa and hates Christmas. I don't know. I am just saying it was not the highlight of his weekend, I don't think. I mean, as opposed to Santa, there, who clearly could not have been having a better time.
And by the way, if economeee force me to be pet Santa I would be as happy as a pig in clover. That would be, like, my DREAM job. And I look good in red. I could stop dying my hair! I could stop Nairing! Maybe my body is trying to TURN INTO pet Santa and I have been fighting it all along.
Oh, and also, I totally know Marvin got me the bird necklace I asked for.
Okay, bye. I mean, HO! HO! HO!
I just called you all hos.
