Hi!
Have you been worried sick about me all day? Are you wringing your hands and fretting? Is it "wringing"? I'd look it up but I don't want to.
This morning my old workplace called me again. "Jane West is sick. Can you come in?" my former boss wondered. I showered and had me some Life cereal and got dressed and put on makeup all at the same time. Okay, that isn't literally true, because how could I shower and apply makeup at the same time. But you know in the cartoons when someone moves in a blur? That was me.
I felt bad because Edsel was play play playing with Talu, and harrrr-ing and growling and bowing and having himself a time, then I had to put him in his prison cell. I KNOW they like their crates, but it isn't as fun as harrr-ing with your sister. Come on.
Anyway I got here and everyone was in the kitchen, surprisingly. "JUNE!" they all yelled. Then, "Don't go near Jane West's desk. She was barfing all night."
Okay.
Nobody TOLD me I was filling in for a barfer. You know how phobic I am about this. I immediately felt gaggy. "She's...BARFING?" I asked, chewing on some pizza. I was nervous, but not crazy. Hello, free pizza. "Yeah, it's going around the office," they said.
Again. Really? You call me when there's a barf epidemic? And you expect me to concentrate?
I have used 75 gallons of hand sanitizer, and I won't even LOOK in Jane's cube. I figure germs could travel to my eyes. I didn't have a red pen, and I walked up and down till I found a red pen at an empty desk, rather than use one of Jane's.
I was sharing my fears with one of my old friends here, the person who similarly likes Hello Kitty. We'll call her Hello Coworker. "So, what do you do when a baby barfs on you?" she asked. Hello Coworker has a child. A child who wears a LOT of Hello Kitty paraphernalia. "Babies?" I asked, as though she had wondered what I do when a pirate spits into my medulla. "I never hold babies. It never comes up."
You guys. I am not kidding. TWO BABIES came to the office today. TWO OF THEM. With their GERMS and their LACK OF IMMUNITY and their fevers and their upchuckiness. I did not touch either one. Howard Hughes had more contact with people and surfaces than I have today.
Anyway, I should go. I am emailing this post from work. What are they gonna do, FIRE me? They have already done that, plus now they have brought NAUSEA to my life. And youuuuuuuu, nauseated myyy life. Created a world, where I just might barrrrrrrf. Annnd youuuuuu, nauseated my life.
Okay. Keep me in your thoughts. Pray I keep this pizza down.
Yours in phobia,
June
