we gots no secrets. all we do is shed on cowch. that no secret.
Yesterday I asked you to reveal your funny family stories and you all came out in droves. Which leads me to wonder if any of your family members would be annoyed at you had they known their humiliation was made public in such a fashion. I mean, as much as this blog can be considered "public."
Let's stampede to some of your family stories, shall we?
Oh, wait. How annoying am I? There was one story I cannot recall if I ever told you before or not from my OWN family and I will tell that first. Because it's my blog.
My grandfather (Chuck, or Cluck) was an excellent guy. He said when he died, he didn't want any fuss. "Just stick a bone up m'ass and let the dogs drag me away," he'd say.
He died really suddenly and pretty much without suffering, which is good, but we were all pretty surprised that morning at Snow Funeral Home when we found ourselves planning his arrangements.
"What shall we do with the body?" asked Mr. Snow, the owner.
All of a sudden, we all had the same thought. Every one of us wanted to say, "Oh, just stick a bone up his ass." I am certain Mr. Snow must have thought we were terrible people to be snickering like that.
Even worse, days later when my father called to see if in fact Mr. Snow had cremated my grandfather and NOT done the bone thing, dad must have been playing a word association game in his mind, because instead of asking for Mr. Snow, he said, "Yes. Is this Jack Frost?"
My aunt and I died laughing. Died. And you know Mr. Snow heard us. He probably thought no family was ever so delighted to see a man dead as my poor grandfather.
But enough about me (hah!). On to your tales.
Posted by: Paula H&B | 24 May 2011 at 08:35 AM
"My youngest sister was 18 and going in for her first well-woman exam. She was asking us, her older sisters, questions about the procedure. We told her that it was basically like having a swab taken like when they test for strep throat. She said, 'But I'm not going to gag or anything, right?'"
Posted by: Kathi | 24 May 2011 at 09:51 AM
"Once, we were in the car, and our parents let us choose the music. As Will Smith’s “Getting’ Jiggy With It” was playing, we kids were all bobbing our heads, singing along, and my stepdad looked at my mom and said, 'What’s he saying? Get the chicken ready?'
I still think of that every time I hear Will Smith sing.Also: my stepdad’s deafness has, after many years of the TV blaring, given my mother hearing problems too. I once sat in the living room and heard my parents have this conversation not two feet away from one another.
Dad: Did you get potato chips at the store?
Mom: I didn’t know you needed toothpicks.
Dad: I didn’t say toothpaste."
Posted by: Fawn Amber | 24 May 2011 at 10:09 AM
"You know those short display beds at the department store? My Dad used to tell us they were for midgets and my brother was 22 before he realized that Dad was lying.
Don't give me any crap for saying "midgets" either. I'm relaying a story."
Posted by: Jen | 24 May 2011 at 10:59 AM
"The whole family was having a reunion. My grandfather, Pappy, was talking up a blue streak with all of his relatives. After about 20 some odd minutes of flapping his gums, he announced that he had to go to the bathroom. So up he jumped with his smoking pipe in his hand and headed for the house. Pappy came back out to reclaim his seat. And of course, as a 10 year old kid, the first thing I noticed is that his pants were unzipped. But before I could say a word to him another kid shouted out, 'PAPPY! Your barn door is open! Your mule is going to get out!'
Pappy didn't miss a step or blink an eye, but responded right back to this kid, 'Damn mule can't get out if it can't get up!'"
Posted by: Jim in Colorado | 24 May 2011 at 12:12 PM
"Last week my SIL and I were shopping. We were looking at bracelets, and saying which one's we thought were cute...blah, blah. To which my SIL replies with a serious face, 'I need another bracelet like I need another head in my hole'...peeing a little just replaying it in my head."
Posted by: MO from MO | 24 May 2011 at 12:38 PM
"When I was a teenager, there were way more female people in our house than menfolk. Which meant a lot of people on synced up menstrual cycles. And my step-father was the king of saving a buck or two. So he figured out that going to Safeway and buying the tampax by the giant case was way cheaper than making monthly trips. He goes and gets his giant case of tampax and heads to the checkout lane and the highly embarrassed teenaged checker girl looks at him quizzically. And he said . . . . . .
'I smoke 'em'"
Posted by: Lisa Pie comes from a family of embarrassing moments-having people | 24 May 2011 at 02:40 PM
"My brother and I went to church with some neighbor friends. When we got home, mom asked how we liked it. 'It was fun,' my brother said, 'We played hide and seek in the stinkys.'
Pews. We were playing in the pews."
Posted by: The Furry Godmother | 24 May 2011 at 02:59 PM
"Another Aunt Dorothy story: She and Eddie and another couple were sitting in the back yard just looking up at the sky when a jet flew over with the two tails of smoke. The other lady said to Aunt Dorothy, 'Don't you wish you could do that?' Aunt Dorothy said, 'I could if I had two arse-holes and was on fire!'"
Posted by: Darcy | 24 May 2011 at 04:03 PM
And one more from Paula H&B, because Paula H&B is funny. Is what she is.
"I can't believe I forgot this one. A couple of years ago, my husband got me a Mother's Day card. Part of the verse inside about why he loved me, etc., said, "...and for loving my children as if they were your own."
I've been married to him (that jackass) for 27 years and we only have children together! Then he yelled at our daughter for not reading the card before he bought it!"
Posted by: Paula H&B | 24 May 2011 at 04:52 PM
Oh, you all had so many stories. Just reading them again made me chuckle. Go read yesterday's comments if you want to see all of them.
In other non-family-story news, remember how I was all set to get that cream-color kitten next month when I go to my home town? It DIED yesterday. Poor little thing. It was being bottle-raised and sometimes that happens with orphaned kittens. Also, it was going to be mine, and I have a black cloud over my head or I'm Angela Lansbury of kittens or something.
So there went that friend for Roger.
But there are other kittens in the world...
