Last night, I dragged the Tall Boy to see the Twilight movie.
You drag a man to see a Twilight movie, it is clearly the beginning of the relationship. If we had been dating, say, even two months, I'll bet he would have said, "Yeah. Maybe call me after." But I said to him, "I'm going to see the Twilight movie. I'm certain you're not interested." and he was all, "I have very little knowledge of these movies. Yeah, I'll go."
When you are as incredibly hot as me, things like this happen all the time.
I had delivered to him the delightful news that I could fill him in on the plots of the three other movies he'd missed up till now, and in fact had offered to do interpretive dances of the films if he wanted, but somehow we just ended up making out on my couch till it was time for the movie to start. I cannot imagine why anyone would not want to see my interpretive dance skillz but there you go.
I also offered to recap the plots in beat poetry form and no I DON'T know why I haven't managed to maintain any relationships since Marvin left. What do you mean?
We got to the theater, all mussed, minutes before it was to begin and let me tell you what. First of all, every screen was showing this movie and every seat was taken by an overwrought 16-year-old girl. The two middle-aged people, who had just been making out on the couch, had to sit in the SECOND EFFING ROW, which is not at all ridiculous or anything.
Why do they even MAKE the second row? It's awful.
At least I got to see Edward close up. And could Jacob flounce out of rooms dramatically a little more often? Really, Jacob, try to be more of a puss. Jacob. World's most dramatic werewolf.
Anyway, it was good. I mean, "good" in terms of I-am-watching-a-Twilight-movie good. The 16-year-olds behind us never stopped talking once and the 16-year-old next to me checked her cell phone during the movie. Of course, mostly I just resented her for having a cell phone. I wonder if her parents would buy me one?
When we left, Tall Boy asked, "So werewolves imprint?" and I told him all about that important fact. Then he wondered why Edward lived with all those pale people so I told him that, and why there were all those graduation caps in the hallway at Edward's house and why didn't the animals Edward eats turn into vampires (good question), till finally he said, "Why am I asking about this like I care?"
I suggested he rent the other three films this weekend to get caught up. That maybe he could be America's first straight man to enjoy the Twilight series and he'd get on the Today Show or something. That show is SO for us women and gay men. They spend like an hour and a half giving us close-ups of Bella's wedding dress.
WHICH IS DIVINE, by the way. Oh, it's long-sleeved, and fitted, and dips really low in the back but is covered in lace...
...Straight male readers? Hello?
