I am eating a piece of toast, my dear 16%, and on said toast is chocolate hazelnut peanut butter. To say I am enjoying it would be an understatement. The neighbors are probably about to call the police. "Someone is too joyous over at the white house near the corner."
I didn't mean to buy the chocolate hazelnut peanut butter. It was on special, as Marvin would say, and it was right near the front door. When you walk in. Don't you hate it when someone is describing a house or something and they start, "Well, you walk in, and..." Really? Do I? Do I walk in? I thought I'd use my x-ray vision. Need I walk in, really?
Speaking of Marvin and his x-ray vision, I got up with him yesterday to sign some more notarized documents. This divorce stuff requires a lot of notaries. I was wondering if Tom and Katie will have to schelp to the UPS store to see a notary, too.
Here is Marvin, showing his empty wallet, because this particular trip may have involved me bilking him for his millions. I was in it for the money this whole time. Mmmm-hmmm! Wrangled me a fifth-grade teacher. SCORE! I am not so much a gold-digger as a Gold Bond Medicated Powder-digger. A Tracy Gold-digger. Although she might have some money, but really? Does she? (Insert obvious "She doesn't spent it on food!" joke here.)
Also, Iris is peeing in this computer room and someone please tell me what to do other than snap her neck. I realize that came from nowhere but it just wafted at me again and I am PISSED. So to speak.
When Marvin wasn't handing me over his riches, I was busy getting lovely gifts from readers.
God, I can crop with the best of them, can't I? Centered? Indeed. Anyway, isn't this pretty? Faithful Reader Pam sent it, along with an Eastern Star hankie, cause you know how I am about the Eastern Star. What a nice surprise! I told ...friend about my gifts, and he said, "Oh, it's just like the song I recently wrote: "June Bought the Ruse."
I don't even want to know.
Oh, and who sent me the Nars pencil sharpener off my Amazon Wish List? Tell me so I can thank you.
Then finally, under the category of Peoples Are Nice to June (Have I ever told you that story, about the guy saying to my Uncle Jim, "Peoples is funny, Jim. Peoples is funny."), last night I went out with ...friend,
(...friend looks just like a fountain.) (We sat NEXT to a FOUNTAIN. Smarty-pants.)
and afterward, we went back to his apartment, and guess what. GUESS! He RECORDED the season finale of Real Housewives for me, because I had missed it in order to celebrate his birthday. And there at 1:00 in the morning, ...friend sat there with his vagina and watched that stupid show with me.
I can assure you he is not Netflixing the first seasons.
But wasn't that nice? What a nice boy. Here I am. Being happy at ...friend's.
Tonight, oddly, we are going out to see...Marvin. I KNOW. Marvin is going to be singing at this place in (wait! waaaaiiiit!) Winston-Salem, and he mentioned it to me yesterday as he was trying on a barrel, and I said, "Would it be weird if ...friend and I came to see you?" and he said "No! Show up!" So we are.
This is all very European or something, isn't it? Maybe ...friend and Marvin will beat each other up. Oooo, I kind of hope so. Wouldn't that be sort of exciting? Who do you think would win? Plaid vs. Plaid! Tonight! Winston! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLE!
Going now, because I have to read as much statistics as possible before tonight. Note how my looming deadline does not interfere with my nightlife. Because I love the nightlife.
By the way, I cut and dyed my hair just like that. AcSHUN.
