Do you know what I bet Ned wishes? Is that he could ever come over here and not be assaulted by pets. My grandfather used to say wish in one hand, shit in the other. See which gets filled up first.
Why do grandparents go around saying things that barely make sense like that? Is it just when you become a grandparent? Those phrases just start coming out your mouth?
I've told you this before, but my grandmother, who was in no way related to my grandfather other than they were in-laws, I guess, used to say "Your ass would make him a Sunday face."
Yeah, I know. I had to sit around for 10 years figuring that one out.
Ned--who had had a bad day, hence the look of despair and enormous glass of wine, which technically I bought for my friend Marianne but more on that later--and I went to the movies last night.
Not that I bought a look of despair for my friend Marianne. I bought WINE for her. Wine. But wouldn't it be great if you could go out and buy looks of despair for people? "I knew your day was sucking, so I bought you empathy face."
Don't I still owe Furry Godmother this pennant? Don't ever enter into contests here. You'll be out purchasing despair face in no time.
OH MY GOD ANYWAY. So, we went to see all the animated shorts up for an Academy Award. Circle R. And one of the shorts was by The Simpsons. I mean, the cartoon characters didn't make a movie, but it was by Matt Groening and it was about Maggie being at daycare. Of course it was hilarious, but that's not even a fair fight. We hope that one doesn't win.
There was another one with a dog in it who looked JUST LIKE EDSEL that we liked, and an art one that'll probably win because people are pretentious.
Oh. Even though they showed this last night, this isn't a nominee. WHAT GIVES? So maybe my dog one will win. Edsel's movie will win. Who even knew Edsel was doing this? He's always home when I get home, like a good wife.
But as I was saying, I got wine and MADE LASAGNA last night before our movie, because tonight right after work, my friend Marianne is coming over! Oh, I'm so excited.
I met Marianne a month after I moved to Seattle. We had a mutual, well, "friend" is a strong term. We both knew this really annoying self-centered woman, who literally had a shrine to herself in her own living room. Seriously, she had these giant letters that spelled out her name, and a big glamor shot under that. Once, at a party, my friend Marianne had her Commitments tape stolen, or maybe we were far enough along in civilization that it was a CD. It doesn't matter. What DOES matter is she reported said crime to our self-centered....friend (not that it was Ned), who said, "I saw that movie." THAT'S ALL SHE SAID! She didn't care that Marianne had been ROBBED. The important thing was she had seen the movie. I mean, get your priorities straight, Marianne. God.
So the self-centered woman, who I dearly hope has not somehow found my blog despite the fact I have not spoken to her since 1995, took me to a rugby game a month after I moved to Seattle, because she was banging every rugby player who'd have her, and please see above reference to hoping she doesn't read my blog.
I was desperate enough to make friends that I WENT to a rugby game, and Marianne went too, although I forget her motives. Was she similarly banging a rugby player? I can't recall that, but you never know. We were single and ready to...watch our "friend" out there in the freezing Seattle weather, wearing a crop top and cheering on men giving each other concussions.
Neither Marianne and I were remotely into this sport. And it was cold. And because it was Seattle, a freezing horrid drizzle had just begun. "You wanna go to the car and drink all the beer?" I asked Marianne.
And a friendship was born. After that, we spent EVERY weekend together. We had breakfast at this restaurant across from my apartment EVERY Saturday morning, and even after I met my Official Seattle Boyfriend, we hung out all the time. Marianne and Official Seattle Boyfriend both had the habit where they'd eat all of one thing, then go to the next thing. Like, they'd eat all the corn, then move on and eat all the chicken.
WHICH DIDN'T DRIVE ME BERSERK AT ALL.
Maybe that's why I made lasagna for tonight, since Marianne will be in town for a conference. Since with lasagna everything is mooshed into one dish, I don't have to watch her do The Thing.
How many of you stalky stalkersons went over to Official Seattle Boyfriend's website and looked for a picture of him? How stalky is it that I KNOW about his website? I have always liked his art--I even bought one of his paintings as a wedding present for a friend who'd similarly always liked his art. I had another friend pick it up, though. I was too nervous to see him.
OH MY GOD ANYWAY.
So, Marianne will be here tonight, and what I like about my friendship with her is my house is LUDICROUS, and I know she'll love me anyway. Unless she's changed, like my childhood best friend who now watches FOX News all the time and has no sense of humor anymore. But I don't think so.
There's nothing better than one of those friends you can pick right back up with, is there?
Like no time has passed? Unlike the stylishness of this jacket. Or Marianne's white leggings, for that matter. God, we look young. And you know who took this? Official Seattle Boyfriend. Who as I recall was super sick of us that day. Possibly due to alcohol. Or maybe it was my poor decision to get bangs.
Okay, that's all. Marianne coming. I'm making my official dish. And she's meeting Official Greensboro Boyfriend. That about sums it up. I'll report back tomorrow about how not-fun she's become. I'll report on how Marianne has become Fun Bobby.
XO, June
