Ned comes home today!!
Ned comes home today!!!!
Did I mention Ned will be back?
He won't be back till late late late, though, which annoys. All the work part of his trip is done, so why can't he stampede home tout suite? Maybe I'll find a way to use "tout suite" every day. That'll be fun for all of us. Anyway, Faithful Commentor and New Yorker Paula said Ned would be dead to her if he didn't get pizza AND a bagel while he was in New York, so he did. Because god forbid he be dead to someone he's never met.
"Tell Paula my pizza was goddammit good," he told me, when he called me from the street, and had to say "What?" after every single thing I said to him. He went to dinner in Brooklyn last night, because he's trendy, but while HE was doing all that, I went to the movies in Greensboro.
I know! Envy.
I went with my friend Dan, who was rocking out with his Perrier out at my house, here. We went to see Wolf of Wall Street, which I ended up liking a lot more than I thought I would. There was a lot of your debauchery in that film.
"I feel like I've missed out, having never snorted cocaine off any woman," I said, as I dutifully threw out my popcorn box at the exit.
"Or say the word 'cocksucker.' I never really say that. I'm gonna try to work it in more," said Dan. "You want to get a cocksucking drink now, or are you tired?" he asked me.
Dan and I went to the same hotel bar where Ned and I had our first date, and where we went last Sunday to celebrate our anniversary of dating. Ned and I had had a really great bartender last Sunday night, and had chatted with him. In fact, I'd told him I'd put him in my blog, but the lighting in there is so awful that my pictures never turn out. My FLASH isn't working on my iPhone. Does anyone have tips for me?
Here's a dark shot of our bartender. He was just funny. And cool.
And here's a dark picture of Ned and me that the bartender took. Oh, I miss Ned. Did I tell you he'll be home tonight?
My point is, that night, our anniversary, we were not what you'd call cold to each other. I think we may have held hands occasionally, and I know we were talking to each other like no one else was in the room--saying how glad we were to have spent these past two years together--and we kissed in public, which we don't usually do. I am just saying, no one looked over at us and said, "I wonder if those two are brother and sister?"
So when I walked in less than a week later with a whole 'nother dude last night, that bartender looked... crestfallen. And I could tell he was going to be smooth as silk and be all, "Hey, how are you? What can I get you, you two-timing trollop?" A dignified woman would just order and go on with her night, but I had to be all, "I'M NOT CHEATING ON MY BOYFRIEND. THIS IS MY FRIEND, DAN, WHO I REALIZE IS HANDSOME AND HE IS PRINCE WILLIAM OF GREENSBORO AND EVERY WOMAN WANTS HIM, BUT I AM THE EXCEPTION TO THE RULE. GET ME A DRINK. GOD."
And Dan was all, "I'd like a cocksucking whiskey, please, sir."
Honestly. What I wouldn't give for a flash. Stupid phone. Cocksucker.
Anyway, the bartender said he sees a lot of stuff behind that bar, where he's worked for 11 years, and has sort of lost his faith in humanity. He'll see people bring in mistresses, hookers, one woman brings a guy in each Tuesday and another every Thursday, you name it.
I am so boring. I was 100% faithful to Marvin. It never occurred to me to NOT be.
Dan and I talked about his single life, which is relatively new to him, and how every woman in town would give their EYETEETH for a little Dan action. We laughed about how he could be on 50 dates last night, "But here I am with a friend while her boyfriend's in New York. Yeah, I've got it all together."
But really, his reticence to bang every middle-aged woman in the Triad is endearing, and will just make everyone love him more. He should teach classes. How to Seem Like a Nice Guy and Get Even MORE Women Up On You.
"I guess I should call someone and ask them to a movie or something," he said. "I could text a woman. 'Hey, cocksucker, wanna see a movie?'"
"I beg you to do that. I think that's what all women just want to hear," I told him, and I, too, should teach a class.
Anyway, we had fun, and gossiped, and I giggled like an idiot, and finally it was time to go. "Thanks, cocksucker, I had fun!" we said as we parted ways.
Tonight Dick Whitman is having a partayy, and I will fill you in on all the details tomorrow. Or the deets. Do you wish I said "deets" more often?
You cocksucker.
