Guess who stayed out too late, going to Charlie's fundraiser and all?
Could it be philanthropists Ned and June? Do you count as philanthropists when all you did was buy tickets, buy drinks, buy one of the tshirts and silently auction? I won the facial, though, so wooooo! With my luck it'll be the new penicillin-and-grapefruit facials they have now. A jazz facial. We now offer cilantro facials!
Okay, I'm done. Facial given to you by Gwynneth Paltrow!
The story made front-page news, and I saw some of you donated, and thank you. I don't know what the tally is yet, but when I hear I will alert you.
So, as per usual I am now late, but I have a philosophical question for you, because you know how I am one of those deep, quiet, thoughtful types.
This guy lived next door to Ned for awhile. Let's call him Jehosephat. Because that's a name you just get sick of hearing. Jehosephat worked with me in my department. So I'd see him and his (hot) wife and kids, lounging outside their apartment, drinking wine while dinner cooked (the KIDS weren't drinking. Put down the phone. Social Services doesn't need your call today, Nancy Grace) and then also at work, and I like him a lot. They seem like the kind of people who make their lives beautiful, you know what I mean? They're from another country, and maybe it's one of those countries where you eat dinner for 10 hours and savor everything, as opposed to this country where we stand up over the sink and eat our Kashi burrito as quickly as possible so we can get back to Internet porn.
My point is, I'd see Jehosephat at work and at Ned's, and we've always had pleasant talks and always threaten to get together and we never do. Eventually Jehosephat and his family moved into a house.
Recently, I asked Ned, "What if, when Jehosephat was living at your building, he saw you one night, clearly cheating on me. I wonder if he would have told me?"
Ned mulled this over. He considered which woman he'd cheat with, and what they'd do, and how many times, and he seemed delighted. Okay, none of that happened but now I'm mad at Ned. My POINT is, he said, "I think he'd tell you. He's your work friend. And besides, he has a wife, so he'd be appalled that I did such a thing."
I said, "No. He'd NEVER tell me. He wouldn't want the drama, both at work and at home. Every time you saw him, Mr. Cheaty Pants, you'd glare at him, and I'd be at work weeping and pulling him into the kitchen to ask more questions about this heifer you slept with."
It became one of those discussions we'd revisit, neither of us wavering from our opinion. One day I just couldn't stand it and went over to Jehosephat's desk. I presented him with the scenario. Some 23-year-old drunk floozie with HUMONGOUS breasts. No. I have humongous breasts, so let's give her something I don't have. A 23-year-old floozie with silky hair and buttocks you could bounce quarters off of. Because that's useful.
Jehosephat blinked at me several times. He'd probably been, you know, concentrating on work and all of a sudden his former next-door neighbor has brought home Scarlett Johanssen and he has to decide whether to tell me.
"First of all, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt," Jehosephat said. And could I have picked a harder name to type? "I'd assume she was a sister or something."
"Okay, but let's say they're clearly kissing or something," I offered, because I am fun to work with.
"No, I'd never volunteer that information," he said, which made me right, and then much later made me think, wow, should I have asked him if he ever saw Ned bringing home a lovely young thing who was good at math and directions? But I trust Ned. Ned is a good egg. And I'd like to see him have to deal with what would become a smitten 23-year-old girl following him around and sending him Boynton cards.
My deep question for you is, what would you do if you were Jehosephat and you saw Ned cheating? Or, you know, whatever. Apply the scenario to your own life. Would you tell? What if you saw someone cheating on a really good friend? I had a roommate in college who had this new girlfriend, and I knew for a fact she was cheating, so I told him, and now he and I are not friends and he's married to said woman.
Still, I felt I had to tell him, because he's my friend. That was the chance I took.
So, what say you?
