Am certain you are champing at bit to hear the rest of my shower curtain rod story, which I began yesterday. I'd hate to leave you HANGING. Get it? Do you?
Ned and I went to Target to return the damn rod he'd bought me to replace the one I'd thrown out my front door. Ned once told me that when we were first dating, I'd mentioned my temper to him and he was relieved, because he is exactly the same way, and at least when he threw a remote across the room I'd be less appalled. The good news is, we've managed to not throw anything AT each other, so far.
Anyway, off we went, and we were stuck in line behind some kind of super couponer, who literally had a three-ring binder filled with coupons, her beleaguered husband at her side. Each time the staff at Target rang up another coupon, she'd say, "Now, wait, isn't there supposed to be..." "Shouldn't I also be getting 5% off additionally..." and she'd page through her binder. I cannot wait for the day this sort of activity becomes illegal.
Her husband looked like he wanted to take his savings and invest in a nice prostitute. Maybe his wife has a coupon for one!
Finally, it was our turn, and I tossed the now-in-40-pieces shower curtain rod on the table along with Ned's receipt. "I'd like to return this, please," I said, which was probably obvious, but there you go, and you can't tell me I was more annoying than old Mrs. Moneypenny, there, who's been in line before me.
"Certainly," said the poor sales girl, and I smiled at her, and that is when I noticed her name. Which was Paradise.
It is Marvin's fault that I look at name tags. Marvin is obsessed with funny names, and if you ask him who waited on us at the Queen Mary on October 11, 1997, which happened to be our year anniversary of dating, which is why we were at the Queen Mary, he'd tell you Purvis did. Purvis brought us our food. Because that's what Marvin does.
I remember he was thrilled when, during the Nicole Brown Simpson debaucle, we learned that OJ Simpson saw Nicole having sex with Keith Zlomsowitch.
"Keith ZLOMSLOWITCH," Marvin kept saying. "That's who she decided to have sex with. Keith ZLOMSOWITCH." Sometimes he'd just say the word, from out of nowhere, "Zlomsowitch."
Recently I was at the movies, and my ticket-taker's name was Kweesy. You can imagine my immediate text to Marvin.
At any rate, Paradise took time out from knockin' on heaven's door to refund Ned's money.
No, really, any time. You're welcome.
After Ned got his $16 back from Paradise, we headed into the store to buy YET ANOTHER GODDAMN SHOWER CURTAIN ROD. I was already desperately in love with myself. "I remember when--"
I started to laugh.
"What?" asked Ned. I tried again.
"I remember when--" This time I laughed so hard at myself I had to bend over. I grabbed Ned's arm for support. "I--" was all I could squeak. People turned to see if I was dying. Which I was. Because, hilarious?
"What?" asked Ned, looking pained. Did I mention Ned is more reserved than I am? Rip Taylor is more reserved than I am.
"I remember when our salesgirl was lost," I finally managed to get out, tears coming from my eyes.
"What?"
"Our salesgirl. Paradise. I remember when she was lost."
"Our salesgirl's name was Paradise?"
Sighhh.
The point is, the new rod is up.
Let's hope it stays up. Because that would be...paradise.
