Bye Bye, Pie!

The ding-dang battery on my alarm clock died,

which means I just woke up and the dogs aren't even fed yet, which means my life is in chaos as usual and now I feel like Garfield, hating Mondays. If only I had a pan of lasagna to dive... Read more →

My bones and silver purse

I have a cat on my lap and one meowing because she's not on, and I'm a little insulted that everyone seems to think there's room for JUST EVERYONE up here. But that is neither here nor there. I must... Read more →

I got 99 problems and a fish ain't one

I've had a riveting Saturday so far that has consisted of paying bills and making up a lesson plan for my new student, as part of the literacy volunteering I am doing. I have met the person I'll be tutoring,... Read more →

Get Freaky with June: Down by the Old Mill ACCCCK! Edition.

This week we hear from Amy in MD. I've lived in several haunted houses. The house I lived in growing up had a child ghost. You could never hear it when many people were in the house, but if you... Read more →

Shake gently and apply dog carefully

I was so busy with Ned drama last week that I forgot to tell you about Tallulah's brush with death. Which was not even remotely a brush with death, maybe more of a comb with death or even a pick... Read more →

Number two post of the day

My Aunt Kathy has a tendency to tell everyone her every move. "I think I'll just get up and get a Kleenex." "I'm just gonna check the thermostat." She knows she does it, and yet she continues to announce everything.... Read more →

Gwynneth Paltrow. Irking me since 1995.

Gwynneth Paltrow is such a tool. I KNEW she and that Coldplay guy were gonna break up, because I'd read rumors of her affair, as I stay on top of the news, and once some celebrity couple starts saying "Oh,... Read more →

This tastes awful--here, try it

I wrote something for Purple Clover and pretty much figured it'd get rejected, because it doesn't really have a Purple Clover angle. It did get rejected, so now I am showing it to you. Yay, you get my rejects! Really,... Read more →

Sheddy

I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you that when you post photos of your handsome high-school-age sons on Facebook, I am over here thinking impure thoughts. I'm THAT neighbor. "Honey, don't walk past Miss Gardens' place in those shorts.... Read more →

The one where I inexplicably compare myself to 80 famous women

I have been outside all day, clipping hedges and pulling DAMN WILD ONIONS and hauling trash bags to the curb and I really feel like Kat Middleton never has to do any of this. My arms are now shaking from... Read more →

June screams over to drop off a Freaky Friday

Sorry I've been too busy to blog. I blame this pesky job and also Ned. But here. Have a freaky story from Outkast Lee. My father-in-law (FIL) died 9 months after my mother-in-law (MIL). After my FIL's funeral, everyone went... Read more →

How Ned and I almost broke up. A riveting story by June Gardens and her tears.

When I met Ned two years and two months ago, he told me he'd never married, and what I told myself was, Okay, Missy. What you are going to have to remember is this leopard is not going to change... Read more →

Heartbreak was going to be my muse

Ned and I almost broke up. I got dramatic about it. Story at 11:00. (Really, story at noon-ish, when I can tell it at lunchtime. I want to write it and have Ned read it first, so he can see... Read more →

June Bright and Dark

I am feeling blue again. I was thinking that, in order to cheer up, what I'd like today is for you to say something nice about each other in the comments. If you always laugh at one commentor's hilarity, or... Read more →

Life is just a fantasty, can't you live this fantasy life

If you didn't have to be living your regular life today: going to work, slopping hogs, shooting up, taking kids to school, being a prima ballerina, robbing a bank, managing a 7-Eleven, doing six loads of laundry, doing green Jello... Read more →

A whole new world

It's Sunday afternoon, and it's raining, and this is the time of week I love. I adore Sundays, and I guess it's because I'm lucky enough to not hate my job. So I don't get that awful Sunday Wonderful World... Read more →

June goes dancing with the Naughty Professor. A gay old time.

What I did not know about gay bars here is that they have dancing boys. Wearing just skimpy underwear. And put down the phone. I don't mean they were seven years old. I mean these boys were born in 1991,... Read more →

Get Freaky with June: Transsexual Fish Edition

It's Friday, so it's time for another of your freakazoid stories. And, yes, I too love me for saying, "freakazoid." While we're at it, let me tell you that there's no parking, baby. No parking on the dance floor. Anyway.... Read more →

Know-it-all

My iPhone, which I purchased last summer, has done nothing but give me trouble. Sometimes I wonder if they sold me a repurposed one and didn't tell me. They probably giggled when I walked out. The latest issue is that... Read more →

SHARE IF YOU LOVE V!

One of my male friends emailed me the other day. "I feel like only you would appreciate this," he wrote, sending me a NOT SAFE FOR WORK website. So if you're at work, Ima just tell you. It's a perfume,... Read more →

First prize

Since I joined Weight Watchers on Feb. 28, I have lost 7 pounds. Which, you know, yay. So on Sunday I had the day drinker try to pick me up in the parking lot of my pedicure salon, "salon" being... Read more →

You got mud on yer face, you big disgrace

Before I begin telling you about my riveting weekend, does anyone else feel like it's the middle of the night? WE AREN'T FARMERS. WE.ARE.FARMERS. Dun da dun dun dundundun. Stupid daylight savings. Isn't there some pigheaded state, like Arizona, that... Read more →

In which Ned and I are a couple of firecrackers

My cold finally got off the pot, and if I had one modicum of energy, here'd be the part where I linked to when I said, "I wish this cold would shit or get off the pot." Anyway it finally... Read more →

In which my friend Paula is DA BOMB

I got a box in the mail today from my friend Paula. When I opened it, it read "SJP." SJP! Squee? Squee! SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! She got me the Sarah Jessica Parker shoes!!!!!!! SHE GOT ME THE SARAH JESSICA PARKER SHOOOOOOOOOOOOES! Read more →

Get Freaky with June: Lob That Ball Edition

Yesterday was my big Ping-Pong match against Alex #4858493 at work, as part of a big Ping-Pong championship we're having for no reason whatsoever. She and I decided to have a practice round at lunch, before our 2:30 game. After,... Read more →

Vanilla Ice

Let me tell you something. When the alarm goes off in the morning, and by "alarm" I lately mean Ned, who wakes up earlier than me to eat healthy things and so on, but when I WAKE UP, let's just... Read more →

The whole time I was writing this I was texting with Marvin. Forgive me if this goes astray. But when I woke up this morning coulda sworn it was judgment day.

I have several small things to tell you today, and as usual they are all dumb. Maybe they'll poop in the box. That I'd like to see. In keeping with my June-is-an-excellent-mom news, my dogs are eating cat food this... Read more →

You're as cold as ice

The novelty of snow is gone. In the South, it doesn't snow much, then when it does, everyone panics in a gleeful way, and everything is shut down, and people cancel plans because it MIGHT COULD snow. They also say... Read more →

Hold me in your armchair you can feel my disease

Last week, Ned told me people at his workplace were sick and missing work, and on Friday night when we were out, he said, "I feel a little something in my throat, but with MY great diet and MYYYYYY workout... Read more →

Sunday

With The New York Times, coffee, very few damn calories and Ned. Sent from my iPhone Read more →

The thing is, I never even paused and said, "Camp CHEERIO?"

In case you don't read the comments, your old pal June, here, weighed in at Weight Watchers and is 3.8 pounds less of the man she used to be. I guess that week of being HUNGRY ALL THE TIME paid... Read more →