I have a cat on my lap and one meowing because she's not on, and I'm a little insulted that everyone seems to think there's room for JUST EVERYONE up here.
But that is neither here nor there. I must hurry, as Ned went home to shower and then we're (brace yourself) going to a movie. I wanted to briefly run down for you my ludicrous night and depressing day.
In what seems to be my new signature move, I schlepped on down to the gay bar again last night
(Ned watched basketball),
in order to see Jujube, who is apparently a famous drag queen, as drag queens go. I guess she's on RuPaul's Drag Race, which I have never seen, and any time anyone remotely implies to my pal The Naughty Professor that you've never seen RuPaul's Drag Race, he gets this huffy look like you've just said, "You know, I never watch the news" or "You know, I don't really give to charity."
So nobody tell Naughty Pro that I've never once watched that show, otherwise Ima hear it from him and his attitude. It's kind of like the attitude I get when someone says, "I don't watch the Real Housewives of anywhere." Oh shut up. YOUR LIFE IS THE POORER FOR IT!
At any rate, not only did I go last night, but so did other people from work, including TinaDoris, who also brought her sister, who was visiting.
We danced to this:
(Ned still watched basketball.)
I did not take photos of my evening because I brought the World's Tiniest Silver Purse, in which I placed only my $10 to get in, my lipstick and ID, in case I went missing and they found my tiny silver purse hanging off my bones later. I had on my gray skirt, the one I couldn't find on my first date with Ned, resulting in me having to wear schlumpy jeans instead but as you can see Ned went ahead and pursued the free milk, as it were.
I also wore my black boots that Marvin always said made me look like a Nazi, and my red low-cut top that showed off the hoots, and hey, 48-year-old. You divining water, there, or...?
When I walked in, rocking out with my hoots out, the local drag show was already starting, and that Gloria Estefan song was on, the one that goes, "One, two, three, four, come on baby say you love me five, six, seven ti-iimes." If I were a drag queen I'd dance the SHIT out that song.
After a few performances, they went back to music and dancing and we all had to wait for Jujube, who was scheduled to come on at 12:30. As you do. It's Gay Time, folks.
The point is, this gave me awhile to become completely obsessed with TinaDoris' sister, who is not only hot, and who not only had a fabulous spangly ensemble on, she was also hilarious and I followed her around like she was me and I was Edsel. I'd have rested my snout in her lap and looked up at her had she let me. Oh my god, she was THE BOMB. She was so bomby that gay men kept asking her to dance, and she'd grind all up on them, and all I wanted to do was grind a gay man.
(Ned was still watching basketball.)
I danced till I was covered in sweat and looked like Meat Loaf in drag. Finally, 12:30 arrived and they told us all IT WAS TIME FOR JUJUBEE!!!!
But first? We all had to leave, because there were too many people in the building and the fire marshall was there, and we all had to re-enter while they counted us, one by one.
Guess who fucked that noise. Was it your old pal, June? I got to my car and saw old Basketball Jones had texted me (had text me), so I went over there, where I was given homemade soup and where Ned's cat played with my tiny silver bag.
Then today, and I like how I was gonna briefly touch on everything, seven hours later. Today the Realtor came over, and yes, that is a proper noun, Realtor is, and she said the ceilings need painted, the front steps need painted and suggested I do this distressed look with them, that the house smells like dog (hunh), the baseboards need work and the arbor needs to be fixed. Other than that, everything is fantastic. And I will not get what I paid for this house, even after I do all that.
Oh, and I have to make the floors shiny, which dude, I have tried to do and never can.
"Does my house smell like dog to you?" I asked Ned, who was here while the Realtor was, and the moment she left he turned on the TV to watch basketball.
"No, but I'm always here," said Ned, his eyes glued to the screen. Ned should just go ahead and marry a basketball. Or maybe he should court someone named Annette.
I just slayed myself with that one.
So, if I do anything, I will just rent out this house, which the capital-R Realtor suggested I could do and probably get a decent price for. I still have to get the dog smell out, and I don't even know how you do that. I'd also like to point out that Houndy and Scenty just rolled through dead leaves on our walk, which probably does not give this place the peach potpourri aroma I was longing for.
Okay, I'm out. Thanks for stopping by for this brief rundown.
