Bye Bye, Pie!

A Brief Post

"Do you want to go to a play?" Ned called up to me as I was on episode 3494594 of Game of Thrones. "I don't know. What's it about?" I shouted down. "A woman who comes home for the holidays... Read more →

Seven-year bitch

Dear Hulk, I am sorry to tell you that I am going to talk about my dog for a minute. Seven years ago today, I drove from TinyTown to Raleigh for a job interview. I never made it to Raleigh,... Read more →

A walk in the park is no picnic

It snowed here, really a lot. You know. For here. Do you enjoy my art shot, by the way? Am I like your annoying friend who just got into photography, and you have to stand behind her at the computer... Read more →

Crying with Wolves

I just woke up, which is dreadful. You know what's dreadful-ler? People who BOUND out of bed. There is no reason for those people, other than that we need firemen. My point is, I got coffee, and brought the wolves... Read more →

Sydney ToastPoints, Yay

It's Monday night and I'm in front of my computer, waiting for MY EDITOR to write back and tell me what to write for Purple Clover. I gave him several suggestions and none of them were about sex, so he... Read more →

Up Late, So Slept Late

"Cate Blanchett wore a fish tank," said my friend Marty Martin. Then I died. Your thoughts on everyone? Read more →

Your gathering place for saying incredibly petty things about celebrities

You'd think I'd be more sensitive to the famous, now that I've been featured in a major local magazine and all, but no. Still ready to poke fun at the starts. Still Juney from the block. That's funny every time.... Read more →

The one second we've had to relax all day

And I spend it taking pictures for my blog. My friend Paula is here, and we met up with her at 12:30, which is dawn for me, and yet I did it. Of COURSE Paula's here for a Heart event.... Read more →

Easter Par-Aid

Last night, even though it was two hundred million thousand below zero, Ned and I went to a restaurant whose name bugs me: Pastabilities. Oh, stop. Pastabilities. However, it.is.delicious. You can't go wrong there. It is an impastability. I had... Read more →

And you can tell everybody this is your song (Or, Blog reader walks into a bar)

Yesterday, I learned there's a new app you can put on your phone which will let you play whatever song you like when you walk into a bar or restaurant that has a juke box. ("I even busted the juke-a-box!"... Read more →

Oh, hell

Just realized it's Ash Wednesday. What should I give up? Read more →

Prickly Pear

Every morning, after Ned leaves, I let the dogs upstairs while I blog. I tell them they're my blog muses. They somehow understand that they are NOT to go into the real bedroom, but that it's okay to lie on... Read more →

The Long Winter by June Gardens

Laura Ingalls Wilder would cock punch me right in the ass if she saw me calling this a long winter. "Ohhhh, with your one day of a little snow and some ice! Long Winter this, bitch." "Cock punch me right... Read more →

Bonne Bell's Tuna Surprise

I put lip gloss on the cat this weekend, which pretty much is the last butterfly in my net. But she was on my lap--and of course I mean Lily. Who else is crying out for lip gloss more than... Read more →

Mince Words with Joooon: Forver by Judy Blume

The last time I read Forever by Judy Blume, I was in 6th grade and owned a shockingly complete collection of Bonne Bell Lip Smackers, the best being--if you ask me--Piece of Cake, which tasted like wedding cake. If I... Read more →

I really wanted to show you a picture of "Ralph"

Don't forget that tonight, 7 p.m. Eastern time, we will meet back here to discuss the hard-hitting tome Forever, by Judy Blume. Bring dirty-sounding '70s food: Tang, ManHandler soup, and maybe some Freshen-Up gum. Read more →

Juneda Gardensho

Someone is almost insisting he have a thick girlfriend. Ned had flowers delivered at my work yesterday AND he got me a Dick Whitman's Sampler. I ate the chocolate messenger boy right away, because, you know. Chocolate messenger boy. If... Read more →

Just kind of fadey

It is cold today, a fact that has haunted old Nedlard Scott, over here, all week. "Don't forget it's gonna be cold today," he said just now as he headed out. I should totally grab my shorts and halter and... Read more →

Spy vs Spy

Ned got home from his sporting event* and could not sleep, so he sent me this picture from his phone at 12:25 this morning. He titled it Spy vs Spy. Do you know what I was doing at 12:25 this... Read more →

HULK!

Remember to think about Hulk at 2 p.m. (in five minutes, my time). If you read this too late, think it anyway. Our thought will be: Hulk will meet the love of his life now. Read more →

Undressed By Kings

To us, it's funny and cute, and to them it's this all-consuming battle for hierarchy, where each is determined to be the victor, TO THE DEATH. Even NedKitty's BAG wants eternal dominance. NedKitty fights on. Perhaps I have too much... Read more →

It never occurred to me that I might need a scarf

Griff, my coworker and the unwitting subject of a whole Twitter page, just gave me this: I feel like there are certain things that you just look at in life and say, "No one would like this other than my... Read more →

9/10 Pants and a Very Big Bra

Ima just go ahead and tell you what a nutbar I really am: I have been staying at a hotel to avoid Ned's illness. It's a phobia, people. I am 2.2 miles away, and run over there all the time... Read more →

In case you were worried sick, Ned has finally stopped barfing. I think he lost 7,000 pounds. As did I, because I was too afraid to eat anything, for fear it would be the last thing I ate before I... Read more →

I Love the Nightlife

Poor Ned has been up all night barfing violently, and as a result I've been awake, too. He woke me up around 2:00, being restless, and when I asked what was wrong he said he really felt ill and warned... Read more →

June Gardens, you ARE the father

Today's exciting news is that my pal and coworker TinaDoris is pregnant! I'm pretty sure it's a human baby and not a kitten, which, bummer. But she seems to be okay with that. Here's TinaDoris before she was even married,... Read more →

Mother Earth thinks your shoes are atrocious

That line is something I was discussing with Miss Doxie. Long story. But I adored myself for it so I made it my title. But that is not why I gathered you here today. I was hoping to have a... Read more →

Dark like man

The problem with women is they're so fucking nurturing. I'm serious. Since my kerfuffle with Ned--and I like how I took a horrifically painful and traumatic event and have relabeled it "kerfuffle" a week later--women have come out in droves,... Read more →

I prefer my hog sliced, really

I totally should have rerun an old post for Groundhog's Day. Because, hilarious. "Do you have anything to say to my readers?" I just asked Ned while he breezed by after his shower. "Your readers aren't my biggest fans right... Read more →

Well my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

So, I packed everything, scheduled the movers to get here Tuesday, and just a few hours ago, Ned and I agreed to give this 90 more days. We have all sorts of...plans in place, which I will not go into... Read more →