Bye Bye, Pie!

Saint of Saint Nightmare. Plus, prom.

I found a picture of the scary vampire clown!!! Awhile back, I wrote an article for Purple Clover about all the depressing art that hung in my childhood home, including a depressing red clown (shiver) and a vampire clown, who... Read more →

You wrote it, you watch it

This morning I told you I'd blog at lunch and then I said, "What should I write about?" and WOW with the responses. Whatever with you guys. Oh, we'll just sit here and wait, June, in silence, June, while you... Read more →

I'll blog at you at lunchtime. Was super busy reading old Dear Prudies this morning

What should I talk about? Oh, and here's my latest Purple Clover. Read more →

June's Lesbian Adventure

"I'm boyfriend-free this weekend," one of the Alexes at work wrote me. "We should do something fun." What does it say about me that as soon as you say "something fun," dancing at the gay bar is the first thing... Read more →

Tipsy Gypsy Nipsey

Ned and I were out late last night; we went to see Lucinda Williams. Please remind me to tell you about the Excitable Roy who sat in front of us. He looked like my friend Roy--at first I thought it... Read more →

Is it, like, the best sound you could ever hope for? Or what?

Today at 12:45 I have to have an ultrasound to look at the ovarian cyst they found while they were looking for my kidney stone and FUCK EVERYTHING FUCK FUCK FUCK. Ima ask them to take a gander while they're... Read more →

Highway to the transitional zone

Yesterday I went to the dick doctor. I snapped this picture and texted it to Ned right away. Because mature. "I had no idea there'd be so many posters of penises in here," I told the beleaguered nurse who took... Read more →

Babbling brook

I've decided we should have a bet of some sort. When will I pass this damn stone? It could be anytime between now and six weeks from now, or even longer. We could also have a guess for, "It will... Read more →

The monkey's off my back, but the circus is still in town

I have no idea if I've shed this boulder that's residing in my woo. If I see Indiana Jones running outta there, I can be assured the stone's coming next. When they told me I had a kidney stone, they... Read more →

June's blog: Flintstones edition

Yesterday, I asked a nurse if she had something I could throw up in. And that was the least of my worries. Finding a barf container was low on my list, me, the barf-phobic person. If you're thinking, "You know... Read more →

Agony

At urgent care. They suspect kidney stone. Read more →

The June Gardens rose. Now with glitter!

Oh my self-love, you guys are KILLING me with the posts you're sending me for this book that will make me exactly as famous as Beyonce. June-on-say. Incidentally, I found an age spot on my eyelid this morning, which is... Read more →

What in the world

Your suggestions are rolling in, not literally because how could a suggestion literally roll in, of which posts I should put in a book. They've ranged from you sending 20 from one month (Slutty Pancakes) to just one or two.... Read more →

A fantastic and more fun in the great taste

It's finally nice enough that we can eat outside, and here you can behold Ned's depleted salad. Note he did not really eat the dressing. Good god. Did I go out LOOKING for someone who could make me feel bad... Read more →

A brilliant idea that I will take full credit for

I was just in the break room discussing how I want to turn this blog into a book, and how this weekend I started reading posts from 2011 and planned to set aside any that were funny. But I must... Read more →

Givin' Off Sparks

I did not get to blog last night, as we did not go to a movie till 7:00 yesterday. This was my fault, as I wanted to nap. Sue me. Anyway, we saw Turner: I was really disappointed when it... Read more →

Smooth

I just went to get the mail, and among the old-lady catalogs (Soft Surroundings, the catalog for night sweats) and a bill was a small, white package. Usually I get packages, but this time it was addressed to Ned. "Ned,... Read more →

Going through old pictures on this computer

Say, did you borrow my yellow shirt and burgundy slacks?

After what can only be described as a harrowing--harrowing!!--day, I am now upstairs in the safety of my room, where I wish never to emerge from again, blogging at you while Ned watches a sporting event downstairs. I was so... Read more →

Sandra Dee O A

Yesterday we had a contest to name the disgusting nail polish color I got during this past unfortunate manicure. Maybe I could have named it Focus. Anyway, the winner is... Silly Putty Fuddy Duddy, thought up by Deb, Who is... Read more →

Contest! Win big! Best Contest Ever...Hands Down.

You've all been so funny in the comments already today that I've decided to have a contest. Whoever comes up with the worst best name for this color gets a fabulous prize, a prize I will very likely never send,... Read more →

Experience, Strength and Taupe

Every day last week, I had something to do, with the exception of Thursday, and then at some point last week, my department scheduled an after-work happy hour for Thursday, so there went that. The thing is, it started at... Read more →

Wrote this whole post and did not mention my manicure tragedy. Remind me.

I've come up with a brilliant plan to blog at night and set my posts to publish in the morning, so I can meditate in the a.m. instead of writing to all of you. That way I will be all... Read more →

The tortoise and down there

Last night right after work, some friends of mine had a little cocktail party, and by "little" I mean maybe 15 people, which probably took 27 hours of planning and cleaning and cooking and ambiance-ing. Little. Pfft. Anyway, they have... Read more →

Fear the reaper. And maybe eat him.

Because no two people are more boring, Ned and I got into a discussion about the first meal we had together. We couldn't remember what it was. On our first date we met for a drink, and the second we... Read more →

Just had a profound thought

What if there's a nice version of me out there somewhere, and I'm that person's evil twin? Read more →

June's Dream House with Action Figures

"Have you seen Phteven?" asked The Guy Who Sits Next To Me. I had not. Am now obsessed. Why did I not think to do this with Edsel's underbite? Could be rich now. Esteban! Google him. There are a million... Read more →

Sort of SFW

Poor Lu. Just wait till Lent is over and Tallulah can put bad pictures of ME on her Facebook page. Oh, and one more thing before I tell you this story Ima tell you. Yesterday, my young coworker Ryan, whom... Read more →

Whippersnatch Cottagecheese. Say, who's still obsessed with that Benedict Cumberbatch name generator, do you think?

One of the Alexes at work made me this, because I proofread her wedding invitation. I mean, she SEWED me this, or whatever you do to make a these. Is this not perfect? Is this not my epitaph? Embroidered. Is... Read more →

Nah nah nah nah

My friend Paula sent me this, and there is just...yeah, I can't begin. Okay, no, I really can begin. The filthy hippie, that dynamo behind them clapping her hands, THAT WOMAN'S SWEATER, the dummy! Oh, god, the dummy. The choreography.... Read more →

What'cha eatin' under there?

"Let's leave at 6:00, June," said Ned. "That'll give us plenty of time to eat and see the play." Ned and I were going to the theater in Winston-Salem, named the Hanesbrand Theater, and Dear Hanes People: Get over your... Read more →