Bye Bye, Pie!

Linear

You see those jeans back there, behind my gaggle o' pets? The ZIPPER needs FIXING, and I've had them splayed on that chair for months because I don't know how to sew. I wish I had skills at anything. Also,... Read more →

June's Cheer Blog

Hi, everyone!!! How's everyone's day going!!?? Sure have missed you all since yesterday!! : ) God, wouldn't it be awful if I were cheerful like that? I've always been what you might call a cranky person, and I have no... Read more →

Your dog is not a person. But she does leave photo captions.

This morning I woke up and felt like I was getting a cold. "You realize you're always getting a cold, right?" asked Ned. I AM NOT! Okay, maybe I kind of always am. BUT THIS TIME IT'S REAL. Anyway, today... Read more →

If you please

Before I forget, because you know I always do, here is my latest Purple Clover article. It's full of fire and brilliance. Do you remember the early '80s commercials for the Blue Star Counterfeit diamond ring? "Full of fire and... Read more →

Edsel Gardens, Murdery Pants

Ned came home right after work last night, so that we could take the dogs on a long walk, and also so that he didn't have to hear it from me about how he's always at the goddamn gym all... Read more →

Opinion cookie

This is one of those days (remember that commercial for Midol, I think it was? "Are you having one of THOSE days?") where I sit down to type at you and have no idea what Ima talk about. God, what... Read more →

The Color...Oh, You Know

If Ned's not here, I have to walk the dogs separately, because if they see another dog, they attack each other like idiots. I do not know what drives them to do such a thing, other than they can't attack... Read more →

Ribbed questions. For your pleasure.

I completely forgot about my Purple Clover deadline last night, and it is all Ned's fault. So now I must sweatily write it before my editor wakes up in LA, and that is why today's post is going to be... Read more →

Gategate

When Ned and I moved in together, he said he didn't want the dogs on the couch or in our bed. I agreed to this, although I was secretly baffled by such a rule. If it were up to me,... Read more →

A remaining pip of toilet paper

I've been out doing things all day, and in preparation for my evening, I just put toner on my face, toner that's supposed to clear away dull flakes to uncover skin that's fresh and glowing. Every time I put it... Read more →

Probe June

My new iPhone will not make phone calls. Which, I know everyone forgets that smartphones are supposed to be PHONES for making CALLS, but that's what smartphones are. Just a little reminder from June. And I actually call people, still.... Read more →

Got a photograph, picture of

Awhile ago, I got an email from my credit card company. Dear Jooooon, it said. The design on your credit card has expired, it said. The design has expired? We could send you a new card with a regular boring... Read more →

Free Cardinal

Last night, Marvin and I went to the sandwich place for-- Oh, my god. Ned. NED and I went to the sandwich place, holy CRAP. I never once even tried the sandwich place with Marvin, and I know you think... Read more →

Neighborhood Munch

I abhor the people across the street with every fiber of my being. I have an abhorrence for them that I usually reserve for celebrities who bow in front of you with their hands in prayer position like they're saying... Read more →

Get me to the church on time

The terse drive. We pulled up to the church--which was lovely, by the way. One of those big old beautiful ones, not one of those cinderblock churches that looks like it might have been a Goodwill at one point--exactly at... Read more →

Princesses Rule

It is Sunday evening, and I am on my computer while Ned is at his, doing his taxes. He just said, "Son of a bitch," and I feel like Ned is going to be a bit of a swearwolf tonight.... Read more →

If I were on Andy Griffith, they'd play the big-city music

On my way to Raleigh, to see my old pal Cardinal, who I haven't seen since 1999. We're gonna party like it's--oh, forget it. Last night, I went to a wedding, which I will tell you about in exhausting detail... Read more →

Facebook friend me

It bugs me that I have ALMOST a thousand Facebook friends. Will you be my Facebook friend, so I can up it to 1,000? My name may or may not be Karen Sommerfeld, on Facebook. Not in real life. Nope.... Read more →

YOU'RE a towel

Yesterday I got a new phone, because I was finally eligible for an upgrade, and my current, now former (iPhone, fmr.) phone had a big crack in it, which is what SHE said, and also the flash on it had... Read more →

Ask June. Old School.

Am 100% totally late because of Ned. We have a busy day planned: Tonight we're going to a Scrabble tournament with Marty Martin and Kayeeee, because nerds. Then at 10:30 tonight, the Louis CK show comes back on, and I... Read more →

Not the show

I wrote an article for Purple Clover this week, about how I loved the Laura Ingalls Wilder books. They put said article on Facebook, and it has 6,500 Likes, which is exciting, and a ton of comments that go like... Read more →

I hate it when I publish and don't write a title. Oh, and Ned did not murder me, clearly.

I went back to the dick doctor yesterday, and had an ultrasound. Again. I got to wait in a different room yesterday, so new dick posters! Wow! How YOU doin'? Sigh. White guy. The good news is, they did not... Read more →

The Foot Festish Reader Will Love This One

On Saturday, or was it Sunday--you have no idea how many drugs I was doing. You know how I love the horse. If you wanna ride, don't ride the white horse. Is that song even about drugs? Or is it... Read more →

Bye Bye, Miss Vole Pie

I was just pooping and texting my mother at the same time; they should totally have a word for that. ...I just looked it up, and of course they already do: Shexting. She sent me an Easter box, my mother... Read more →

Bi-Dosha Curious

I triple-booked myself yesterday after work, and two of those bookings were for therapy, which is not at all sad. On my way to Ned's and my therapy, it dawned on me that it was Wednesday, and then I had... Read more →

June's High Holy Day

I writhed in pain this morning and said my kidney stone was back, and Ned totally bought it. heeeeeeeee! God, I love this holiday. Now I have the delicate balancing act of calling my mother before she realizes what day... Read more →