Bye Bye, Pie!

Dear Hulk: Today there are pictures of my pets! No, really, any time. No trouble at all.

I decided to go see what everyone was up to this morning, and show you it. You're welcome for that fabulously constructed sentence. Lily has decided NedKitty's condo also belongs to her now. She and NedKitty do not bother each... Read more →

An unblemished record

We were all on the porch yesterday, being Allison Portchnik. That's only funny if you're obsessed with Annie Hall, and even then it's not that funny. The point is, it was a beautiful day, but I had a blemish, so... Read more →

The one where June gay marries some cobbler

Well, it's official. Ned is now 50. He wasn't able to get that decision reversed or anything. If you want the abbreviated version of Ned's birthday, because you have to run or something, it was sex, food, thunderstorm, sex, Tracy... Read more →

Food is Ned's sex. Oh, plus, Ned is 50 now.

Today is Ned's 50th birthday, so we took today off. He is sleeping currently, but earlier this morning, he said, "You want to have breakfast at the diner later?" "Okay," I said. Then we fell back asleep. "I was just... Read more →

Almost rape-y

Yesterday at work, we had a gelato truck come at 2:00 (I had salted caramel. Griff pointed out that there's no such thing as just caramel anymore. It all has to be salted now), and then we had a department... Read more →

We're here for my hair

I noticed Iris on the landing, just hoping to trip and kill one of us. Then she can go in for our arteries while we're still warm. She also knocks any glasses you may have left on any surface down... Read more →

Losing something once solid

Remember high school angst? When nobody understood your incredibly deep thoughts and torrid emotions? I'm still like that. I also, throughout high school, was convinced I was hauntingly beautiful and no one had discovered it yet but me. But that... Read more →

Longest day of the year, and I had a migraine through all of it.

And I'd just SAID, "It's been a really long time since I've had a migraine." Why do I say things like that? But really. I usually run through my whole prescription in a month, usually to the day. But I'd... Read more →

I would walk 10,000 steps and I would walk 10,000 more

I'm gettin' kinda weird about my Fitbit. For three days now, I've hit my damn 10,000 steps on that thing. You know you walked that many because once you hit 10,000 steps, your wrist starts buzzing you like your secretary... Read more →

What spells fun for you?

"Some golf. A few beers. I mean, that's fun." That's what my ridiculous coworker, Griff, said the other day, and that right there sounds like my nightmare afternoon, but to each his own. Some cats. A book. Strong coffee. That's... Read more →

Conversation with zygote from work

Ryan: Where's Susan? Me: Which one? Anton? Susan Anton? Ryan: Who's that? Me: She was a starlet in the '70s. She dated Dudley Moore. Towered over him. Money buys you everything. (Look up at Ryan. He's blank.) Goddammit. You don't... Read more →

Fortunately, I was able to open the door with just a smile

Yesterday, Tallulah and I had our photo session, or "sesh," which I am saying because Faithful Reader Sadie treasures that word like a precious gem. I know I said I was having it Monday, the sesh, a fact that is... Read more →

The "I Thought I Dug You, But You Like Build-A-Bear" Section

"What if I met you, and you were still you with all your traits and everything, except for one thing: You loved you the Build-A-Bear Workshop." I like to imagine terrible scenarios to see if Ned and I would still... Read more →

Nnnnnnn!

This was a dumb weekend. I mean, it started out not dumb. I emailed Ned near the end of the day Friday. "Are you going to the gym after work?" "Not if it's important to you that I don't," he... Read more →

I pretended it was an endoscopy, but really I transitioned. Now I'm a leopard.

I don't know if you've GERD, but yesterday I had an endoscopy. Did you like that? Little medical procedure humor. Ned and I got there at 10:30, which is inhuman. Why do they have to do these things so early... Read more →

Downtown Juney Brown

I got to stay home today, seeing as in a smidgeon of time I will be knocked unconscious and any number of instruments will be crammed down my throat, such as a harp. I will literally be a harpy, finally.... Read more →

June cobbles some crap together, calls it a blog post

My mother had a friend who recently died, a guy I always liked a lot. He was cool. They found this picture of her in his stuff, from February 1978. Kills me. Mom had the good eyelashes, and they didn't... Read more →

The one where NedKitty poops in the chair. Allegedly.

I did not sleep well last night. If I were my dog, I'd describe myself as exhaust. Lu exhaust. I need to stop talking like I'm my dog. When I sleep badly, I like to use my Bye Bye, Pie... Read more →

June Recaps Her Weekend; Nation Riveted

I did a lot this weekend. See, the obvious joke would be to say something about Ned now, under the category of Things I Did. But I will not. Because dignified. I'm dignified like Rip Taylor. Anyway, I have a... Read more →

Stay for the loom hunor

When Ned woke me up just now, I had been having a dream. Remember yesterday when I talked about how despicable people were who told you their dreams? "I was having a terrible dream," I announced to Ned, who puts... Read more →

Important discussion at work

Cheetos, Fritos or Doritos? Read more →

God Save the June

Every year, the president of my company, not that I own a company, takes everyone out for drinks on his birthday. I think it's a nice tradition, and I always go. This year we went to one of the new... Read more →

If you were the opposite sex all of a sudden

"It really pisses me off that Bruce Jenner is prettier than me," I said, while I was out with some friends. "Ain't it the truth?" said my stupid coworker Vilhelm Oyster. "You're not supposed to say that. You're supposed to... Read more →

June digs in her trash

I didn't blog this morning because I posted sort of late Sunday, and then late again Monday, and I wanted people to have a chance to catch up if they hadn't read yet. But just now I was looking for... Read more →

Stupid conversations I’ve had with Ned lately

Coloscopies “You know, since we’re turning 50 this year, we both have to get our coloscopies,” said Ned. “Our what?” “Our coloscopies or whatever.” “Ned, when did you turn into an old man, just making words up that’re close enough?... Read more →