I did not sleep well last night. If I were my dog, I'd describe myself as exhaust. Lu exhaust. I need to stop talking like I'm my dog.
When I sleep badly, I like to use my Bye Bye, Pie coffee mug. See what I did, there? Do you see my clever marketing? Was it amazing how I slipped that in there? That's what she said.
I really just happened to be using that today. I was nice enough to buy Ned one, for work, because when I met him he'd been drinking coffee from an old Christmas mug someone had left behind, and that would not do. Not in my world. Not where I come from. He needed a mug that spelled dignity. That commanded respect. That read Bye Bye, Pie.
Plus it has a spelling lesson!
Do you want to know the most ironic thing on earth that drives me berserk? Is when people say "grammar" when they really mean punctuation or spelling or something.
Ned just slammed out of here. He is in a bad mood. And HE actually slept, as opposed to my Clockwork Orange eyes, staring into the darkness all night while I waited for sleep to come. And I worked out last night, too! Bitchy Resting Face Alex and I went to the park for the free fitness, and this time it was Nia.
I didn't know what Nia was, either, nor did BRF Alex, who hates me because she thought Nia was ridiculous. Of course, I had a great time. BRF Alex has more dignity. I wonder if she owns a Bye Bye, Pie coffee mug?
There was a woman who showed up, who had one of those "I look really good even though Ima work out" looks about her. She had really fancy Capri leggings, and one of those lovely long drapey cotton jackets over it, plus a scarf, dude. A scarf. Like, oh, I'll just complete my workout look with a cotton scarf whimsically thrown around my painfully thin neck. She looked fantastic and I abhorred her for it. I had on a tshirt that I usually sleep in, and workout pants I bought in 2002.
She must shop at Athleta. Only Athleta sells things like, "Oh, here happens to be my cute cotton throw to go with my workout ensemble." And those little workout long shirts that almost look like minidresses, you know the kind I mean?
I tried to Google what I meant but found this nice outfit instead, which I am going to purchase and trot right up in at the next fitness in the park.
That is exactly what Barry Gibb's wife had on in 1979, when I saw her before the start of the Bee Gees' Dallas concert, except hers was burgundy. She had on heels with it. I am not making that up. I desperately wanted the whole outfit, because I figured if I paraded around in that, Barry Gibb would find my 14-year-old self and marry me. That would have caused zero scandal.
Hey, it worked for Jerry Lee Lewis.
I have no idea how I got on this tangent. The point is, some women try hard to look cute in the workout garb, and I wish I had cute workout garb. My cousin Katie told me once that she buys things from Athleta, and once they arrive, she puts them on and says, "Oh, look at the fat girl in the Athleta clothes." I do not want that to happen to me. So I guess I'll stick with my pants from 2002.
Didn't I mention Ned was in a mood, like, 47 paragraphs ago? He's in a mood because a cat shit in his chair. Sometimes one of them will quite pointedly poop right outside the box, which is the cat equivalent of a horse head in your bed.
Today, the offender (I blame NedKitty, because I'm THAT stepmother) not ONLY pooped directly, terrecktly, outside the box, but she also picked up her skirts and let it be known that
KITTY BE IRK
on Ned's chair.
I may be finding this more hilarious than others here in this house. Maybe NedKitty is mad at me, but you'd think she'd gather her belongings and poop over HERE, in THIS chair, if that were the case, but I may be giving them too much credit for knowing geography and the like. The thing is, she TORE out the front door yesterday at lunchtime, like she was in The Shawshank Redemption and had been planning her escape for years, and I ran after her old ass and dragged her up.
"Raaaaa," she creaked at me, angry. So maybe she's mad I thwarted her attempts at running away to be a go-go dancer or something. Or am I projecting?
Or maybe it wasn't NedKitty at all.
it not be us. wee flawliss.
Do you have any idea what a coup it was to get everyone looking at me? That should be on my tombstone. Everyone look at me!!!
Anyway, Ned's mad. "I'm going to have to call a cat meeting or something," said Ned. "Okay, everybody get in here, we're having a meeting."
"Stop pooping," I said. "Meeting adjourned."
Do you have a work mug, by the way, or do you just grab any old cup left over by whomever? I could never do that, grab any cup. Aesthetics are very important to me, as is evidenced by my workout garb.
Linearly,
June
