My cousin Maria sent me this picture and I've never seen it before. I know from that nice perm that I am 20 years old there. This is the summer I met Marvin and he didn't like me. LOOK HOW HOT, despite the perm. Whatever, MARVIN. Plus, I had a kitten on my lap. What more could you ask for in a person?
Back when this picture was taken, my workout routine was wake up, microwave two hot dogs, then lie in the sun till 3:00. Then I'd have a sensible dinner of, like, Spaghetti-Os and maybe go to a movie. Someone hand me my sweatbands.
I never weighed myself, because why bother, but I know I went to the clinic on campus once (whattadya mean, birth control pills? Shut up) and the scale said either 113 or 118. Again, who cares which way those five pounds went on my 5'6" self? Goddammit.
She also sent me this picture, and what says "glamour" harder than a backyard grill? What says "maniacal" harder than that expression?
I do not recall the dress, the shoes or that moment one iota. I have no idea what I was doing. At least the black-dress photo I recall the dress and shoes.
The point is, other than getting diagnosed with cancer, is there a way I could get back to 118 or 113 pounds, do you think? A time machine? Like, is it too late to develop an eating disorder? Also, what became of that kitten? Did it have a good life?
Do you think Mother Teresa ever went around worrying about getting back to 118 pounds or whatever method they use for weighing in India? Don't you hate it when someone from England starts talking about however many stones they are? Oh, stop with the stones. You're in America. I mean, unless you aren't, but still with the stones. I have no idea what you mean.
I just looked it up. When I was that thin, I weighed 8 stone. You're welcome. I'm like Bridget Jones now. In fact, just the other night I literally watched a Bridget Jones movie while eating Ben and Jerry's right out the carton, making me officially a Cathy cartoon and also bringing us back to how is it I don't weigh 118.
I've given up on being 113 again, just while we've been talking. One hundred-thirteen pounds is also 8 stone, and what's the point of even having stones if you lose five pounds and it doesn't show up in your stone?
What would we say? Like, a 500-calorie-a-day diet? Is that sensible? Will that get me there? Speaking of weight and burning calories and so on, one of you told me about that gossip site, Crazy Days and Nights, which has MOST EXCELLENT gossip under "Blind Items Revealed," and the other day it had one on Tracy Anderson. Apparently she drops Gwyneth Paltrow's name all over the place and even mentions her during sex.
So you know what I would never do? Is mention Gwyneth Paltrow during sex. Oh, and it also said Ellen is CHEATING on that skinny little woman she married. Hey, I wonder how SHE stays so thin. Who was that asshole who dated Ellen before that, who claimed to be all gay except she wasn't before Ellen and then lo and behold when they broke up she liked men again? Who was that jerk? I never trusted her.
So, that's today's post, where we've covered my 20-year-old body with Ellen DeGeneres. Oh! And did you SEE where Bruce Jenner is not in support of gay marriage? He went on Ellen, where apparently everyone's going since she's a cheaty-pants, and acted all squirrely on the topic. "Well, if the word marriage is so important..."
I mean. Bruce Jenner. We're supposed to be ALL IN SUPPORT of your life and your less-than-traditional way you want to live it, and I AM, but you can't get behind gay people marrying? It seems like the height of hypocrisy. I was even gonna overlook the fact that you are way too old for that hairdo, but now it is ON, Bruce Jenner. It is on like my Bruce Jenner sweater. I did have a Bruce Jenner sweater, in high school, when I weighed around 113 pounds.
The CIRCLE of life.
Boom.
