I don't want you to get too excited, and I realize you still have to concentrate on your families and jobs and so on, but I have an exciting update: I'm trying new deodorant.
I KNOW!
I ran out of the stupid Secret roll-it-up-till-some-squishes-out-the-slots kind that I HATE, because it gets gummed up. So, last night, after I had coffee with Tall Boy, I stopped at CVS.
I know. I totally need to get past the senior picture poses. Now I'm forcing my friends into it, which, if you're my friend, you pretty much know you'll be doing something stupid. The Tall Boy got a chai latte, then afterward he scrubbed his vagina. I had a peppermint tea. The manly drink of choice at the coffee shop.
SO AFTER, I drove the interminable drive to Kaye's, which, Dear Kaye. Why? Why do you want to live in Tibet? Also, Dear Kaye, Thank you for the free place to stay for six weeks. Maybe I could shut the fuck up.
So I stopped at Outskirts of Town CVS, for all your outskirts needs, and you know how the new thing with stores now is they bellow at you when you walk in the door? "WELCOME TO MOE'S!" "Welcome to the coffee shop! We have buy one get one on chai lattes for your girly-man friends!"
Does anyone in the history of time like that or find it useful? The only people who like it are money-hungry marketing execs. I just said "execs." Who am I, TMZ? Baby bump. Gal pal.
"Welcome to CVS! If I kin hep ya, I sure will!" some poor person bellowed as I walked in. "Thank you," I said coldly, and I am the very person from the north that Southerners hate. It wasn't till I decided to just poke my head in the eye shadows that I glanced at the sales lady who'd yodeled at me.
Mother of God.
She was 70 if she was a day, and she had a HUGE wig on, Marie Antoinette huge, and it was curly and gray. Imagine if Ellie May Clampett went gray. I love that she went with a wig, but decided to stay gray. "Oh, you'll believe I have 50 feet of curls like I'm going to 1961 prom, but I know you know I'm gray."
Sometimes my Aunt Kathy and I will be being absolutely hilarious about something, and my mother hems us in with her Mature Voice. Her Voice of Reason. Her No-Shenanigans Voice. It's the biggest buzzkill in the world. As I perused the eye shadows, and now that I own The Nakeds I really have no reason to look at eye shadows again, and its like when I was happily married and literally didn't notice other men for 10 years. I don't even know why I was trying to get some eye shadow strange, because I really wasn't.
But as I perused uselessly, I got my mother's Reason Voice in my head. "June. Maybe she needs a wig. Maybe she's going through chemo and this was the best the outskirts wig store had to offer." See. Regular June argued that if you NEED a wig you might want to make some effort to get a GOOD one, but then mom voice, old Ma-tura, took over again and said, "Maybe this was all she could afford. Don't judge, June."
Goddammit.
I am the only person who could turn deodorant purchases into a novella.
So I found these tall cans over at the deodorant aisle, and I love it when people on Facebook call it the grocery isle. Doesn't bug me at all. Allegedly this stuff sprays on without harming our ozone, says June, who recycles only when it's convenient. And it lasts for 48 hours, which, why would you need that? Are you some sort of filthy hippie?
I got to the counter with my new can of deodorant, thinking this is the purchase that'll change everything. Now my life has taken a turn. Yep. New deodorant. It's all up from here!
The woman with the wig? The old lady?
Sparkly blue eye shadow. False lashes, which I think, I THINK because I tried not to stare even though I wanted to get out my sketch pad and capture her in charcoal, I THINK her lashes had sparkles, too.
And right then I knew, she was my people.
Oh my god, I LOVE her. I want to be sparkly blue eye shadow lady when I get old. "Get." Sad.
So that's that story, Be sure to email me to ask which eye shadow, which CVS and which deodorant. I love that.
June's Coworker's Senior Picture Poses
If you could read my mind love, what a tale my thoughts could tell. I wish I had words to tell you HOW MUCH this Alex and I hearted ourselves for this senior picture pose. If it were possible to change our Facebook statuses to In a Relationship with Ourselves, we would.
I gotta get to work. It's Halloween at work, and I was going to be a sugar skull, but effort. So instead I'm going as a doddering old crank who's one more failed relationship from sparkly blue shadow at CVS. Anyway, kids are coming and I'm handing out candy and there's a costume contest with the coworkers and so on.
I'll let you know how the new deodorant pans out.
