In case you were thinking it was a nightmare to travel on Thanksgiving day, you would be wrong. WRONG! I hope this causes you to hang your head in shame, and perhaps the village will stone you just a little. Really, there was nothing to it. My planes weren't even full. The only thing that occurred was we sat on the runway for 30 minutes, causing me to get to Detroit at 11:28, when my next plane took off at 11:41. I was dashing through the airport like OJ, not that I stabbed Ron Goldman on the way, and I'm sorry to tell you on my fun run, my turkey trot, I saw they have a Hello Kitty store at that airport.
"Goddammiiiiiiiiit," I called past it as I screeched to my next gate. Still. Got here on time. And they've FANCIED UP the local airport here for the first time, like, ever, and I had this moment of panic when I got off the plane. Where the hell did I land? Did I accidentally go to Saugatuk and not Saginaw?
But there was my Aunt Kathy, apparently living in Saugatuk, or perhaps just at the new Saginaw airport. Aunt Kathy is moving to a new house right near my mother's house, so she took me there first. It's 2394394943934 square feet, and by "new" I mean "55 years old." MAN, it's impressive. The kitchen has, like, three stoves AND a bun warmer. Because your buns. It has a built-in place to put your blender. There's a lighted linen closet with glass doors.
Gone With the Wind was on Wednesday night on AMC, and I watched that bitch TWICE while I was unpacking boxes and packing my suitcase, so Aunt Kathy's house made me think of Prissy saying, "We shore is rich now."
After a sherpa got us through that house and back to regular people again, we headed to my mother's normally-square-footed house, and there was my stepfather. And the pope.
My Aunt Kathy and lesbian cousin Katie have been really busy this year with their Fake Smile Club activities. Aunt Kathy is too rich to smile at the likes of me.
"I'm sorry you're poor, honey."
For diner, we had turkey. I KNOW! Plus also, as I was getting dressing, my mother said, "Other people want dressing, too, June." Like I was taking Jethro Bodeen-sized portions or something. Which I kind of was. BUT THAT'S THE POINT OF THANKSGIVING.
My mother also made us go around the table and say what we're thankful for, and I said, "I'm thankful for Texas Kari," and then after a pause I explained she was a reader who'd dared me to say that. No one responded. You know how no one at work likes me? No one at home likes me even worser.
Really, the best part of the dinner was when we all discovered my Aunt Kathy had forgotten to add sugar to the pie. This is not a euphemism. Would that it were. "You know, Laura Ingalls Wilder forgot to sugar the pie on her first real day as a married woman," I told everyone. "She had to get up and feed the threshers. Can you imagine? She was, like, 18, just lost her virginity the night before, and now she's gotta get up and feed 20 hungry threshers. No wonder she forgot the sugar."
Say, did I mention my family? And how they're over me?
Today I've been helping my mother put up Christmas decorations, which makes me want to kill my own personal self, and which bothers my mother not one iota.
"What the hell is this silver thing, Elton John's dildo?" I asked. My whole purpose in life is to make my mother purse her lips disappointedly. It's like she doesn't even know how I turned out this way. You know how I turned out this way? Being forced to celebrate Christmas when it is obvious I have Jew in my bones. And have been boned by plenty a Jew.
[lip purse]
My friend Ann, Nan, and Amy (long story and I have to go) emailed me awhile ago to say she KNOWS I have no time to visit but today she got TWO NEW BABY KITTENS of kittenheadness from kitten town and just thought I'd like to know. I phoned her immediately.
"When can I be there?"
After that, as if I'll be able to peel self from kittens with kitten heads, I am seeing Hulk. I texted him, text him, to ask if he was available later, then I sent him a bunch of photos of a train going in a tunnel, a beaver with a log, and a woman in a bikini holding a huge sausage.
You know how my coworkers and my family already hate me several amounts? Hulk is in first place. If there were Olympic steps, he'd be on the Mark Spitz step.
Who got impressed with herself that she knows an Olympic athlete?
Oh, and speaking of current, I forgot (sit down) HAIR GEL, which is as bad as it gets, and had to borrow my mother's, and who knew she'd have hair gel? "My hairdresser gave it to me," she said. "Technically, it's for black people's hair, but it works for me. I think it's to keep your Jheri curl looking nice or something, but I just use it for my hairdo."
Apparently mom got out her Hot Black 'Dos of '87 handbook for that line.
I have to go. I have to get pretty for the kittens, so they'll ask to come home with me. I am a total home wrecker when it comes to someone's kittens. Hey, I'M not dating anyone. I have no conscience whatsoever about stealing them. I understand that made zero sense, but neither does my mom having a Jheri curl, so.
Talk at you.
