Bye Bye, Pie!

New birth. New girth.

Dood. Oh my god. I know I'm a high weight when my thighs touch at the tops, and lately they've been reaching out and touching someone, which bothers. I've been FEELING phat, too, but I've been afraid to weigh myself.... Read more →

Putting the bitter in sweet

Today is my 8-year anniversary of finding Tallulah. Best day ever. I know this will probably be our last year together, but I'm trying to appreciate that she was up next to me when I woke up this morning, and... Read more →

June forgets a title. Again.

This came up on my Facebook feed the other day... Thanks. That's comforting. It doesn't bug me at all that there's an extra space before "handles." I really believe the man of color in the chef's hat is a real... Read more →

June hates something

Do you know what I hate? Oh, wait. I guess I shoulda told you to hang on to your hat. I hate something. Rare. I hate it when someone tells their woes, and another person answers back, "That's okay, I... Read more →

Mini and Mickey Stroke

I have a first date tonight. I got asked out by someone who said, "Would you like to have a no-pressure drink with me?" I said the only way I'd go is if we had an extremely high-pressure drink--for example,... Read more →

Daugué for Women

The pet photographer, not that he's my pet, sent me this early. He hasn't edited the other photos yet but he wanted to send this. If you're local, by the way, he's called Lucky Pup Photography. I mean, his mom... Read more →

Edsel Jean King

Laundry, done. Oil change, scheduled. Lawn maintenance guy, phoned. I did everything I said I would last time I was here, except for that pesky work-on-my-book thing. What do you want from me? The best part of Saturday was when... Read more →

Put a little birdhouse in your soul

As you've likely surmised, pretty much every second of my existence in this house involves an animal near me or on me. At this point, I don't even really notice. This morning I was delving through the pile of mail... Read more →

June describes her Thursday. Read on!

do anywon ever tell mom that she boring as chit? I had so many things to do yesterday. Do you know what I enjoy? Anyone telling me what's on their "plate." I'll tell ya what you can do with that... Read more →

Ask June Anything Day

I had a migraine this morning, so I took a pill and lay back down, waiting for it to work. Edsel spent that whole time with his head pressed against me, wiggling ecstatically. Restful. Since I'm running late, let's have... Read more →

June's fog, her amphetamines and her pearls

Sometimes I sit at this computer and think, "What the hell was I gonna say today?" This is one of those days. I was worried about Lu last night, as she was panting and moaning just a bit. Going outside,... Read more →

The one where June kvetches

I was just cleaning up my desktop--and this is riveting, June! I can't wait to read on! And I saw a screen shot I took for you, because I wanted to complain about something. This is so unusual, June! I... Read more →

The one where June makes hilarious Presidents Day puns

Edsel doing his sled dog impression. Or his Mushmouth impresh. Whichever. It snowed again, which is very exciting for us here. My work is delayed a crummy hour. Given how much sliding down my street I did last night, I... Read more →

V-Day! Cupid's arrow! Love! Lace! Flow--oh, screw it.

This fuckin' day, man. (c) Miss Doxie, who apparently spent all day yesterday making old Valentines hilarious. This is my first man-free Valentine's Day since 1996, and in 1996 I ended up getting secret admirer flowers. It's 3:28 p.m. It... Read more →

I'm not kidding, Juney

It occurred to me that maybe Tallulah and my vet are in cahoots on the world's most anticipated April Fool's joke. Wouldn't that be great? Dicks. Last night I was proofreading my riveting statistics textbook, as I do, once the... Read more →

I hate it when I forget a title

If I'd have known having a sick dog would get me THIS much attention, I'd have offed her years ago. Look how her tail's still going, even though I know she's waiting for her pain pill to kick in right... Read more →

My brave money Pit

Throughout this whole Tallulah-being-sick ordeal, she's been licking her girl parts like a champ. Everyone in my family has had hilarious jokes about this, and I'd like to take this moment to thank my family for being a big pack... Read more →

Super Bowel

I never even ATE a brownie last night, but this morning I was pleased to see there were some left over and my guests left me an edge. Oh, HELL yeah. Brownie edge. I had a few people over for... Read more →

It's annoying to have cancer around me

Say, guess who I won't leave alone? o for luff of god Good lord, I hate my nose. Can we please take up a collection to get that thing fixed? I'd be doing you all a favor, because you wouldn't... Read more →

Pee ditty

Would you like to know what annoys me? First of all, gird your loins: Something annoys me. "I heard a noise at 3 a.m. in the morning!" What do you think a.m. stands for, dillweed? It means THE MORNING. Why... Read more →

Terms of Endearment

Edsel loves himself because he purchased a black hood and sickle off Amazon. He keeps putting it on and standing behind Tallulah till she sees him and startles. dat hilaryiss. not. As a result, Edsel totally cockblocked my own knee-slapping... Read more →

Tallulah

tested positive for bladder cancer. Read more →

Juno

You've no idea how much time I spend watching this now. I count how long she squats, how successful she is. Also, why the hell don't I have grass anymore? What are you supposed to do about that? There used... Read more →

Bleak History Month

I feel like I have 109 things to tell you, which probably strikes fear into your heart. If you had one. You cold wench. First of all, Edsel barfed last night, I heard it while I was sleeping, which is... Read more →