No human has eaten more than I did today. People have won pie-eating contests and they consumed fewer calories than me.
I am home, in Saginaw, for what would have been my grandmother's 100th birthday. We decided to celebrate it, and everybody came and it was a good time and also there was food.
I got in yesterday afternoon, around 5:00, and as we were nearing the airport, we flew right over a pumpkin patch. It was very exciting. I saw all the orange round things in the ground, and right then I knew.
I demanded that we head straight to the manicure place, because of course I hadn't known I was coming here till like Thursday or something, and I hadn't had time to get m'brows waxed, and I didn't want my whole extended family to be all, "When did we become related to Lloyd Bridges?"
My mother, who is apparently two feet tall, and I went to the manicure place, and I am not sure if I've told you about my mother's problem. When I lived in LA, I used to take her to the nail place in my neighborhood, and right next to it was a cute store that had things in it like clothes and jewelry and incense and soaps. You get my drift. I can no longer recall was it was called, and if anyone knows what that store used to be on Rowena, near Griffith Park, next to Nails Perfections--which I swear to god that's what the nail place was called--I'd be much obliged.
Anyway, we'd get our nails done and head to the store, and EVERY TIME, EVERY.TIME. my mother would smear her manicure because she looked at something. I'd say to her, "Don't fuck up your nails" and guess what she'd do.
Yesterday while she was STILL IN THE CHAIR, she fucked up her nails and had to have two fingers re-done. She is incapable of being still. I can be still. I am at one with the nail salon.
Anyway it was good to be here with decent nails and brows, and to see Gus, my mother's dog, who has managed to outlive Talulah, which is all he ever wanted anyway, as he attacked poor Talu when she was but a pup. And now Lu resides on my bookshelf, lookin' ashy, and all is right in Gus's world.
He was particularly enamored of my eyebrowns.
My mother and my Aunt Kathy live two houses away, and the festivities were at my aunt's house. I didn't really commence eating till I got there. I had a green apple at my mother's, and that was the last I saw of my healthy living. As soon as I got there I made coffee, and had a cinnamon roll my aunt had made, and then oh look! Cheese! And whaddaya know, guacamole! Ole!
Those are my cousins, above, who you will note are much thinner than I am. I was the chubby cousin, and I can't figure out why the stubborn pounds.
Oh, look. More thin cousins. There was spaghetti and manicotti, and who was I to not take both? Oh, and bread. There was plenty of crusty bread, plus, hey, we can't let the rest of the cinnamon rolls go to waste.
I took photos for y'all of all my Aunt Kathy's bathrooms, which when it's easier for me to upload photos I will do a whole Aunt Kathy's Bathrooms tour for you. It's number two on my list.
HAHAHAHAHA.
Aunt Kathy has two dogs: this is Newbie. She has a brown eye and a blue eye, just like David Bowie. She was humping Iman the whole time we were there.
This is my Uncle John. He is my aunt and mom's older brother. He had his DNA done, as did my Aunt Kathy, and if anyone wonders what to get me for Christmas, I so want that Ancestry DNA test. Find out if I have a little black in me. #Goals.
Why don't I just go ahead and date a man of color already. There was one man of color who asked me out this past year, and he was way cute, but he's the one who didn't think "That's what SHE said" was funny "because I guess this academic just doesn't see the humor in that stuff."
So. Man of color who ISN'T a tool.
Best Aunt Kathy and me photo, ever. I think I'm glad because someone's pulling out more food.
Anyway, everyone stayed all afternoon, and we looked at old photos, and I got to hang with my OTHER cousin Katy, the non-lesbian one, who lives in Detroit.
We're the same age, and I used to go visit her at college, and no shenanigans were ever involved in those weekends. No, sir. Anyway even though years pass and we don't see each other, once we do we find out we have all the same neuroses and medical issues, no matter where we are in life. Hashtag, Pee When We Sneeze.
Finally, everyone had to get back to their regularly scheduled dwellings in Detroit, and I ate everything so no one would have to clean up food, and now I'm back at my mother's blogging to you. My plane leaves early tomorrow, so it was a whirlwind trip.
I leave you with photos of Aunt Kathy with Newbie and Uncle Bill with Roxie. I hope you hold on to your hat, but I loved those dogs.
Talk to you later.
XO, Joon and her food
P.S. I didn't even MENTION the deviled eggs.
P.P.S. I swear to you, my mother just came in here to ask if I wanted something to eat.
