Oh my god, hi. {flumps coat and purse in booth} I've been so busy that I haven't even had time to write you. {looks at menu} What we havin'? Are we havin' nachos? Because you know I want nachos.
I will recap my weekend for you, because I understand about your tenterhooks, so let's go so you can stop hanging on them.
On Friday I had lunch with a shitload of my delightful and charming and arm-crossy coworkers, to welcome the new guy, and in fact you can't even see the new guy in any of these shots.
He was at that plate closest to my left, there, and perhaps he is a vampire. I don't know. Wait. Are vampires unable to be photographed, or just unable to look in the mirror? If it's mirror, no one burst through my floor-to-ceiling window at night and turn me into Vampira. Plus, if I'm stuck in this body forevermore, I don't want the 51-year-old one. Can we go back to hey, 19?
What age did you look your best? I think I peaked at 24. It's been downhill ever since. Welcome to my nightmare.
In the afternoon, Bitchy Resting Face Alex, who doesn't even work there anymore, showed up at work. And hey, 90 million dollar iPhone, can you NEVER adjust for the light? She'd accidentally ordered a bookcase to come to her old work rather than her new work. BRF Alex. Not my iPhone. We all spent the next half hour saying, Oh just stay and work here again. It's not the same without BRF Alex.
On Friday night, my coworkers continued to Come Let Us Adore June at a 30th birthday party for yet ANOTHER coworker, Alex.
The party was held at Alex's uncle's, a man who is CLEARLY all bachelor all the time. Hint: Pinball machine in the den. "Oooo, is that pinball?" British Alex asked. "I've only ever played it as an app!"
.....!
There was karaoke in the living room. I actually have a one-minute video of said karaoke, because at the time it seemed like a brilliant idea for me to film it. Then I got home, sobered up, and listened to it.
Ned mostly looked at his phone. He did play pool with my coworker Austin, whom I sit near at work, is close (enough) to my age, and with whom I work often, so I mention him a lot, and I had no idea the two of them had never met, because you can imagine how Austin has to hear "Ned this" and "Ned that" all day long. So it was cute they took up pool with each other without me introducing them.
I am literally going to go to work today and just say, "Ned this" and see how Austin takes it.
Austin. With bonus sighting of tenant, fmr., halfway cut off!
"Austin was really great," said Ned. "I thought from your stories he'd be more like you, but he wasn't overbearing at all."
I'll take "Why Didn't Ned Get Any" for $100, Alex.
On Saturday, Ned and I got up and put up my new blinds in the living room and computer room, fmr., and I really need to get over the "fmr." thing. It's FORMER. Stands for FORMER. I thought everyone knew that till someone was all, "What's fmr.?"
your manyoo el laber bore steeeelee dan
Steely Dan supervised. He gets his last round of shots today, so he finally won't be rabid like a bat, a thing he's quite overdue for I had one of my King Kamehameha migraines and had to cancel his last appt. That stands for "appointment." Are you going to be okay? So today is Take Your Kitten to Work Day--he'll only be there for 45 minutes but I'm sure he'll pop off some scathing memos anyway.
TO WHO IT CUNCERN: WERK SUK. CATZ GET TO NAP ALL DAY. heeeeeeeeee! REGARDZ: STEELY
TO ALL PERSNEL: TUNA AT ALL DESK NOW. HI PRY OR IT EE. STEELY D.
Anyway, we bickered less than you'd think, Ned and me, but it was still a pain in the ass hanging those blinds, and I'd show you a photo but it's dark dark dark in the living room and you'd get an underwater, I'm-eating-at-Long-John-Silver look you don't want. Also, the handle part is sticking up and I don't know how to get it not to. I'll get a photo to you promptly. Sort of.
Then we dashed over to Ned's house and put up his new insanely large TV. We bickered less than you'd think, but it was still a pain in the ass. We watched TV after, naturally, and this "smart TV" was large and detailed and full of features...
...and we couldn't turn it up.
"This sure looks nice," I said. "Sure wish we could hear a fekking thing!"
The only thing of note to happen Sunday was I shut Steely Dan in a drawer by accident. Didn't know he was in there till I heard the plaintive mew. And it wasn't a, like, big drawer full of pants, either. It was my stationery drawer in the hutch.
Also, my mother sent reiki to Ned, which is this healing energy thing that's zapped a few of my migraines. "Did you zap some commitment energy into him?" I asked. So far his neck still hurts, but we'll see.
Oh, and also, Edsel dropped the DVD remote into his water bowl, so now he's at the pound, and also I can't finish season seven of the Mary Tyler Moore show.
y you got to air derty laundry, mom?
It's a big petspeak day here at the pie. I'm laundering even as we speak. It always bothered Ned that I spread the laundry out like that. He even commented on it yesterday. Hashtag, we do better in separate houses. Hashtag, someone has some sort of clean DISORDER, if you ask me.
Hashtag, Ned just called me from his car and I told him all this, and he pointed out I always complain that my clothes have fur on them and how do I think they get that way could it be from being on the floor.
Hashtag, Fuck Ned. We need to start that as a real hashtag.
Also, won't you enjoy my leopard-print underthings hashtag not panties? And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.
I really dearly want a bra/slip set that's leopard print. Wouldn't that be great? I'd say then I could seduce someone six years younger than me the way Mrs. Robinson technically did, but even a man six years younger is an old fuck.
I say the day I get my leopard set, I should be allowed one evening off to sleep with a college freshman. What's wrong with that? (® Violet Bicks)
So now I gotta go. I gotta get the cat carrier down and shove SD Silverman in it and take him to work. Then after work is my work's Christmas party, and my Stitch Fix came this weekend with a blue dress, and that is what I am wearing, which, hashtag convenient.
I need to stop. Somebody stop me.
Luff,
Joooooooooooooooooon
