Pfft.
I thought today I'd categorize the many areas of my life and update you on how they're going. I remember some friend of Ned's said there are five fingers to life, and I'm not going to remember them all. Love, health, family, money, career. Oh, maybe those are it.
Anyway, he said you should try to have all fingers up, and if more than two are down, you're in trouble. Or something like that. That same guy, whose five fingers are forming my life, used to go to bars and stand outside at closing time and pick up drunk women as they emerged, which I always thought was sort of a brilliant plan.
Here are my categories.
Love
Pfft. I have been on two dating sites and there has been no luck. I meet people, they seem okay, then no. Not so okay. And it's not me being choosy, really. Like, one guy I talked to, boop boop boopety boop with the talk, for two days, and on day three he got all pouty. "I can tell you aren't into me."
What?
We've never met. We've been texting for 72 hours. I explained that I was in fact quite interested, but apparently because I wasn't available to text ALL THE TIME, it meant I wasn't interested.
So see? People like that. You can't seem crazy on day three. Wait till I'm hooked, then bring it on out.
I did get lovely Valentine's Day flowers from an admirer, because All This, which I just typed All Thus, but while that was a lovely gesture, that's not going anywhere, either. Also, I'm sure my coworker Ed is delighted I sneaked photos of him on Valentine's Day. He's an excellent coworker. Laughs at all my shit. You know that's the key to me liking you. Don't be a good person or serve others. Just laugh at my shit.
Health
For more than two weeks now I've been taking an allergy pill, two pills in the morning for GERD (Google fucking it), am weaning self off of caffeine and am taking another GERD pill at night. And guess what.
My throat feels better! I don't choke on water any more! So, yay.
I can't believe how well I'm doing on limited caffeine. Although I overdid it with the lack of caffeine yesterday and had to drink a cup at work. I started with 75 caffeine/25 decaf and now I'm down to about 80 decaf/20 caffeine.
Right? Who knew I could do this?
But of course now my knees hurt when I climb stairs. I mean, they KILL. So. Yay. New problem.
Family
Well, my family consists of fur. So. This morning Edsel and I had the usual tussle re going outside.
"Come on, Edsel." [cowers on bed]
"Let's go, Edsel! Outside!" I had the fake cheer that he can see right through, because when am I cheerful?
Finally I had to take him by the collar and go out there with him, where he peed for an hour and a half. We went back inside and minutes later he was whining by the door and prancing like a bronco. I opened the door and he tore to the back, where the stupid gaybor had Jackie ON A LEASH. Why does that poor dog have to be on a leash when she has a fenced-in yard? Maybe it's a greyhound thing, I don't know.
The gaybor was really well dressed. Hey, stop with the comments. I know some downright frumpy gay men.
Steely Dan is fine.
Money
Oh, fuck everything. So far, with the freelance and the writing on the side and the doing surveys and the having that Nielsen-for-the-Internet box on my modem or whatever it's called, I have paid the lawn guy and therapist. I owed them both and it's a relief to be done with owing all that.
Now I just have to pay $3939493949393 in credit cards and I'll be all set.
I'm considering selling my house and moving into a rental house, because if, say, this place needs to be rewired or something I am so screwed. Ned, whose new name here is Milburn Pennybags from Monopoly, has offered to help me financially, but who here thinks that's a bad idea? Wow, that's a lot of hands.
I keep applying for better-paying things at my regular job and nothing has come to fruition.
Here are my coworkers. No, I have no idea what they're up to, either.
Career
See above.
Fin.
So that sums it up, and yeah. I've got some fingers down. You know what sounds delicious right now is some Frankenberry. Doesn't it? I guess I'll go have goddamned toast.
I watched more of that "OJ Simpson was so innocent totally for sure" show last night, and they had the Bronco chase. When that happened in real life, I was at the Mandarin Gate in Seattle, which after just Google fucking it I see still exists, and there it was. On the TV at the bar. OJ on the 405.
The Mandarin Gate was also where Paula and I were when there was an earthquake in Seattle. Perhaps we drank too much in our youth. At the Mandarin Gate. Hey, it was close to our house.
Anyway, where were you when they had the Bronco chase?
I was at the biofeedback place for migraine when the verdict came in. I asked the people who worked there to alert me, and when it was time, I ran to their employee lounge with sticky things and cords all over my head, and got the verdict. We all gasped.
I'd better go dry my hair, because tuberculosis.
Fingerly,
Jone
Jone. Goddammit.
