Bye Bye, Pie!

Freelance work is here

For the next week, I will be proofreading a textbook when I'm not at my regularly scheduled job. I will not be here a lot, and also if you know me in real life, I will not be phoning with... Read more →

Click here. You won't believe what happens next.

The other day, I was doing some crucial cosmetics shopping with my equally deep friend Alex from work. (I ended up getting a color-correcting stick that makes me look like Kabuki theater, and a brown lipstick I thought would be... Read more →

Dude looks like a Junie

I made it all week on my remaining $10, and then payday came and hello mortgage, but still, we got Christmas bonuses this year and you guys donated $10 apiece to celebrate my 10 years of blogging (oh, did you... Read more →

Does my new blog design go with these shoes?

I make the same kind of joke every time I get a new design, don't I? And actually, this one isn't done yet; we're still gonna update a few things here and there. Pretty, though, right? Remember when it was... Read more →

June's routine. It's as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9.5, 10...

I had to get up early today, because we had to be, well, on time at work today. The start time at work is 8:30, and once some old biddy asked in a meeting, "What's our start time?" which was... Read more →

Got to go to work early

But at noon Ima show you my BEAUTY ROUTINE!!! I know, right? Read more →

The hole in your soul is shaped like a Ho-Ho

Because of the holiday weekend, I forgot that Sunday was Sunday and therefore I did not exfoliate using my microdermabrasion, but before you panic, I did remember today. I should probably not scare you like that. It's from Mary Kay.... Read more →

What kind of kid were you?

We somehow got into this discussion at work, and it was a good one. Were you the kid who tore out the door at dawn and didn't come back till the streetlights came on? (Ned.) Were you the kid who... Read more →

Windows 9.0

Some mornings, I feed the cats while Iris is still out for her morning constitutional. My theory is she makes her rounds of all the baby nests in the area, patrols for new life and squelches it. Anyway, that was... Read more →

Let the innards be a surprise

Dear ProPusyEater, I don't see us creating a future together. Honestly, do men just 100% not understand women? Does the person who picked that for his OK Cupid screen name (then had the nerve to come look at my profile)... Read more →

I don't know if you know that much about life if you think "lifeclass" is one word

Yesterday morning I had to dig in my bathroom trash for the old empty deodorant I'd thrown away, and desperately scrape what was left on myself because guess who forgot to buy more. There goes my mother in my head:... Read more →

Daugué for Women

The pet photographer, not that he's my pet, sent me this early. He hasn't edited the other photos yet but he wanted to send this. If you're local, by the way, he's called Lucky Pup Photography. I mean, his mom... Read more →

Old paint

I felt distinctly unwell this morning. "Maybe you're pregnant!" said my hilarious mother, and I'd like to once again bring up Shady Pines. But speaking of Shady Pines, my...lady time did not arrive this month. There was no flying of... Read more →

If I kin hep ya

I don't want you to get too excited, and I realize you still have to concentrate on your families and jobs and so on, but I have an exciting update: I'm trying new deodorant. I KNOW! I ran out of... Read more →

I never promised you a June garden

My cousin Katy sent me new lipsticks!! I was really just thinking, I should go buy me a lipstick. Any time I buy a new one, I think THIS will be the color for me. THIS will be my signature... Read more →

Watch June apply her makeup. You won't BELIEVE what happens next. Yeah, you will. She puts on clothes and goes to work.

Today, Ima talk to you while I do my makeup. Here I am, looking like one of those women who doesn't shave her parts, whose one iota of makeup is some tinted Burt's Bees balm. Mmmm. Vision. You know, I... Read more →

June. Natural yoga bitch.

I have used every last drop of this eyelid primer, and now it's gone. It's rare that you find something good enough to use it to death. What makeup have YOU used to death? I do not wish to hear... Read more →

Experience, Strength and Taupe

Every day last week, I had something to do, with the exception of Thursday, and then at some point last week, my department scheduled an after-work happy hour for Thursday, so there went that. The thing is, it started at... Read more →

June Gardens, Injection Model

It turns out I'm just fine having needles stuck up in me as long as I have an audience. A barfing audience still counts as an audience. A few weeks back, I went to my regular doctor, and yes she... Read more →

Our national nightmare it over! It's Dec. 26!!

Okay, so Christmas wasn't so bad, after all. Shaddap. I never had time to list more of your good deeds yesterday, as I was, you know, Christmasing, and I think if we do these next year I won't even TRY... Read more →

50 Shades of Gray Eye Pencil

I hope everyone is still in possession of their digits. For our 4th celebration, Ned and I decided to eat at this outdoor place near him, then walk to the top of a parking structure, where we'd have an unimpeded... Read more →

I think this week's been freaky enough

so I'm not Freaky Friday-ing today, if that's okay with everyone. I've barely gotten a chance to talk to you. Dang. As I mentioned in some other what-I'm-certain-was-annoying post, Ned has been gone all week. He was in Las Vegas,... Read more →

SHARE IF YOU LOVE V!

One of my male friends emailed me the other day. "I feel like only you would appreciate this," he wrote, sending me a NOT SAFE FOR WORK website. So if you're at work, Ima just tell you. It's a perfume,... Read more →

I'm Your Venus

Today is payday, which is good, because as of yesterday I had $31 in checking and $67 in savings. And I'd been hacking at myself with a dull razor. I don't mean I was Sylvia Plath-ing out because I'm destitute.... Read more →

The splendor of me

As most of you know, I also write for a website called Purple Clover. I know. You can't get the eff away from me. I also edit my company's newsletter. Soon I'll be writing your entire local newspaper (your sports... Read more →

Frosty Lustre June

Last night, I got up with my pal Aziza. She really wasn't about to punch herself. I think she was taking off her purse. I got her the minute she came in. I am annoying. Every time I've ever shown... Read more →

In which most of you fail to appreciate the healing powers of the Big Mac, a superfood in its own category.

Trying to get you people to answer a simple question is like herding cats. Green or blue? "Well, June, in 1987 I decided to stop believing in colors, so I surgically had that part of my brain removed and now... Read more →

Technicolor Dream...lips

Faithful Reader Paula sent me some lipstick to play with, because she knows me too well even though in fact she does not know me at all. There is no quicker way to my loins than to send me makeup.... Read more →

Bye Bye, Pie: Extreme Makeover Edition.

Because who doesn't want to look like a hagged-out 47-year-old, I finally acquiesced and decided to do a makeup tutorial today. I act like millions of you have been absolutely clamoring, and spearheading an email campaign, and painting "Do a... Read more →

Natural Woman

"Out of all the peanuts in the world, Mr. Peanut is the only one who makes an effort, with his jaunty hat and monocle and so forth. The other peanuts just lie around," said Ned, while we ate peanuts that... Read more →

June Grooms

Two nights ago, I spent $15.50 on a slate-colored eye pencil from Clinique. I was trying to get the free gifts they have, and I always get my facial soap from Clinique (I get the mini bars so I can... Read more →