Bye Bye, Pie!

Marzo Thomas

Look how well my daisies are doing! ...I got flowers for our receptionist on Valentine's Day, and I over bought and couldn't fit all of the flowers into one vase, so I was all, "Guess I own daisies now." And... Read more →

Taquit-oh, June

Ned has to move. Did I tell you that? Our gaylord--well, HIS gaylord, is selling the place, a thing we distinctly asked him about in 2014 when we moved in, and he said he had no intention of selling. Of... Read more →

How many of them hormones you been takin', honey?

Yesterday evening, after a very busy day that I'm sorry to inform you Ima tell you about, I headed to the grocery store to get cat food, because the cupboard was literally bare in the cat food department. I really... Read more →

The Big Game

Yeah, well, so. I saw Ned again. I KNOW. Everything you're gonna tell me, I already know. I KNOW, okay? Goddammit. On Friday, I went to a goodbye party for one of the Alexes, one who's actually named Alex, and... Read more →

Suck zinc.

Well, here we are. My favorite day of the year. No one expects us to be festive, and thank god for that. Do you enjoy my new sugar skull calendar? Remember when I had that vintage Better Homes & Gardens... Read more →

Oh, good. Christmas.

Hi! [Breezes in, opens your cookie jar.] This is it? God. Yesterday morning my damn computer kept spooling at me and groaning and waving a hanky and basically my computer was Ashley Wilkes, neglecting the wood stack and gazing at... Read more →

A 51-year-old woman complains bitterly about cat food. Which is not at all sad.

One of you was nice enough to send me a few cases of canned kitten food, which when I think about it musta cost a pretty penny and thank you again. The good news is that Steely Dan just loves... Read more →

June tells you what she ate. Riveting.

Because you know how linear I am, I'll describe my weekend for you, Friday through Sunday, and how long do you give me to screw that up? Does it bug you, you Tidy Tess types, when I'm all over the... Read more →

Vonda Shepherd Mix

Last night I had a dream that I was signing Edsel up for the FetLife website. FetLife is, well, let me look it up because I don't actually know. ...Okay. FetLife is like a dating site for people with fetishes,... Read more →

Hand Jumping June

Yesterday was ridik. I had to take my car into the shop, which I think I've told you now 800 times, and you'd think I was taking it in to get it tricked out. You'd think my car was transitioning.... Read more →

June can't quite recall why "chicken" is even one of her categories

For breakfast, I am having a chicken sandwich. For dinner last night I had rotisserie chicken, so today I made a little sandwich with my flat, multi-grain, DON'T EVER HAVE FUN, JUNE bread and some excellent tomatoes. I am really... Read more →

The weekend. As told by Joon Gardens.

This is why you can't let puppies out your sight for even one minute. This is why my days are spent never deep sitting anymore, but rather bounding up constantly whenever that dog toddles out of the room. And have... Read more →

Edsel Joe McAllister

Lottie is such an asshole. I feel like, if we could see her agenda, her datebook, it'd just be filled with appointments to annoy us. Lottie Day Plannur nyne fifteeeen: try to hump eyeriss. five ay yam: wyne and skreech... Read more →

June Gardens, first responder

Killing season is taxing. Speaking of which, Eds and I were in the park last night, after Chicken Watch 2016, wherein this time Eds put his paw up like he was some sort of pointer, a thing he almost never... Read more →

June sees an abusive boy; goes Pit on his ass. Story at 11:00.

Edsel and I had kind of an upsetting night last night, and I just inexplicably typed his name "Edseul." He's now phoreign. That's "foreign" with an underbite. We were on our regularly scheduled walk, and does your dog lose his... Read more →

New birth. New girth.

Dood. Oh my god. I know I'm a high weight when my thighs touch at the tops, and lately they've been reaching out and touching someone, which bothers. I've been FEELING phat, too, but I've been afraid to weigh myself.... Read more →

Longest day of the year, and I had a migraine through all of it.

And I'd just SAID, "It's been a really long time since I've had a migraine." Why do I say things like that? But really. I usually run through my whole prescription in a month, usually to the day. But I'd... Read more →

Downtown Juney Brown

I got to stay home today, seeing as in a smidgeon of time I will be knocked unconscious and any number of instruments will be crammed down my throat, such as a harp. I will literally be a harpy, finally.... Read more →

Post-migraine report. NOW you're riveted.

Ned has now done something to the gate that renders me unable to open it, so every time I wish to move into or out of the dining room, I'm like George Bailey trying to get into Mary's fence. So... Read more →

Bye Bye, Miss Vole Pie

I was just pooping and texting my mother at the same time; they should totally have a word for that. ...I just looked it up, and of course they already do: Shexting. She sent me an Easter box, my mother... Read more →

Bi-Dosha Curious

I triple-booked myself yesterday after work, and two of those bookings were for therapy, which is not at all sad. On my way to Ned's and my therapy, it dawned on me that it was Wednesday, and then I had... Read more →

Livin' downtown. Driving all the old men crazy. Sadly, I'm probably too old to drive old men crazy.

Well, I'm ALMOST packed. I know it's taking forever, but I'm going through a whole house and shed and attic and Marvin's stuff and besides, I usually get bored after an hour. There's no light in the living room anymore,... Read more →