Bye Bye, Pie!

Joe Lies

I be Hutch. Wear be Starskee? hahahahahaha Anyway. I hadn't had my eyebrows waxed since Wilford Brimley was a child, so I went to Elegant Nail & Tan, which I realize suggests all kinds of featured services that do not... Read more →

Be cool, Edsel

You know how I hate for anyone to make a fuss, but my throat hurts. All I ask is that you stampede to your local Catholic church and light a candle. Or put one of those vague posts on social... Read more →

Rare. In the bloody way, not the special way.

Do you think of yourself as normal? I have never once, for as long as I can remember, considered myself to be normal. And I'm glad of it, although I haven't always been. I doubt anyone else finds me normal,... Read more →

Lord, make me an instrument ...that doesn't gag me

Yesterday, I had to go to the doctor, because my throat is still bothering me. Do you remember about a year and a half ago when they put me out and checked my throat because it always feels like it's... Read more →

Coffee break

"How rich was Mr. Howell, do you think?" I asked Ned. He was helping me do things, miserable things, around the house. "Really rich," said Ned. "In the opening credits, they called him The Millionaire. ...Of course, if he was... Read more →

Today I can't think of a title. Post-migraine fog.

I had this snappy plastic lid that I used to cover the other half of Steely Dan's canned food, as he eats half a can at a time. Correction: he WOLFS half a can at a time. There's no trouble... Read more →

June. No longer a Bug. Now more of a Mini. A chubby Mini.

When I woke up yesterday, I did not know I'd be buying a car. But there it is. Now my life is officially a country song: the man I loved done left, m'dog died, and my VW Bug up and... Read more →

Post-Botox Edition

Woke up, got dressed, got Botox, went to the pharmacy for more migraine drugs and cough medicine, mailed my Stitch Fix rejects and came home and washed the floors and changed the litterboxes and threw in laundry and cleaned my... Read more →

Her-dy-GERD-y

Here is what Edsel has done every morning of his damn life: He bounds out of bed, tears down the hall, and bursts out the back door. I open the big back door quickly and he uses his head to... Read more →

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday

Yes, I'm posting on Saturday. Hello! {hello hello hello hello} Echo! {echo echo echo echo} I don't know why I bother. But hello, one and a half people who are homebound for whatever reason. I guess now that it's half... Read more →

Vonda Shepherd Mix

Last night I had a dream that I was signing Edsel up for the FetLife website. FetLife is, well, let me look it up because I don't actually know. ...Okay. FetLife is like a dating site for people with fetishes,... Read more →

No, seriously. How many fireman posts have there been, now?

Right after we last spoke, nigh on 24 hours ago, I got up from this very desk and took a shower. Because, you know, sanitary. As long as you don't think too much about how many animal germs are in... Read more →

Stampeding toward Evelyn

I never did tell you why I got mad at the vet's office, and stormed out, and it's official. Get the papers in order. I have become my grandmother. Since 2008--way back in aught eight, when I moved here, I've... Read more →

Everyone has everyone else's circular

I'm sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was way busy crying. Oh my god, with the weepage. it cud not be lotteee falt, cud it? Also, deer ant Poet: thank for for bone. lottee obsess. As you know, from your... Read more →

Suns are usually hilarious

This morning, as opposed to this anything else seeing as it's 8 a.m., I went to my computer room, fmr., and who needs to get over the "fmr." thing, do you think? Anyway, I went in there to clean the... Read more →

Chaos theory

I've been thinking a lot about why I got that puppy, who I STILL MISS and think about ALL THE TIME. Why'd I do that to myself? Ned used to accuse me of creating drama in my life, and it... Read more →

Edsel and the Pussycats

I charged my Fitbit last night, so now I don't know how I slept and HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LIKE THAT? Also, I only remembered to put it on once I got here, to the computer, where it... Read more →

June makes you do her decorating again.

What color should I paint the back room? Currently it's Sad Beige, a thing the previous owner seemed to stampede for. "Oh, is it beige or brass? Sign me up!" Here's the room itself. Look how horrible that door is.... Read more →

Let the innards be a surprise

Dear ProPusyEater, I don't see us creating a future together. Honestly, do men just 100% not understand women? Does the person who picked that for his OK Cupid screen name (then had the nerve to come look at my profile)... Read more →

Pee ditty

Would you like to know what annoys me? First of all, gird your loins: Something annoys me. "I heard a noise at 3 a.m. in the morning!" What do you think a.m. stands for, dillweed? It means THE MORNING. Why... Read more →

Old paint

I felt distinctly unwell this morning. "Maybe you're pregnant!" said my hilarious mother, and I'd like to once again bring up Shady Pines. But speaking of Shady Pines, my...lady time did not arrive this month. There was no flying of... Read more →

Belle Waddling

Gone With the Wind was on TCM last night, did you watch it? I did. I thought I'd tune in to that movie for once, see what it was all about. Am I the only person who watches a movie... Read more →

June sees a psychic. Finds out the future. So after today you won't have to read this dumb blog anymore. You'll know what's gonna happen.

On Sunday, I went with my coworker Alex to see the psychic, the one from 2011. I don't mean the psychic was born in 2011, which would make her something of a prodigy. I also don't mean she's from the... Read more →

New year! New--oh, screw it.

Don't you wish Dick Clark were still alive so you could make fun of him and feel terrible about yourself? Now there's only Ryan Seacrest to make fun of, and that's shooting fish in a barrel. HELLO! HAPPY NEW FUCKING... Read more →

June discusses cell phones and also Henry's feets

You know, I think this current design of my blog is the longest I've kept one look going. The woman who designs it seems to not do TypePad-related work anymore, so I sometimes cursorily look for a new designer, then... Read more →

Here's what I did at lunch rather than blog. I mean, (a), I ignored all your ideas...

At least I'm sort of unsmiling again, so I'm sticking with my theme. Read more →

June and Ned Get High

The holiday weekend yawned before us with nary a plan, which was delightful news because we'd both had harrowing weeks at work. "I can't TELL you how happy I am to be home with nothing to do," Ned kept telling... Read more →

An unblemished record

We were all on the porch yesterday, being Allison Portchnik. That's only funny if you're obsessed with Annie Hall, and even then it's not that funny. The point is, it was a beautiful day, but I had a blemish, so... Read more →

I pretended it was an endoscopy, but really I transitioned. Now I'm a leopard.

I don't know if you've GERD, but yesterday I had an endoscopy. Did you like that? Little medical procedure humor. Ned and I got there at 10:30, which is inhuman. Why do they have to do these things so early... Read more →

June cobbles some crap together, calls it a blog post

My mother had a friend who recently died, a guy I always liked a lot. He was cool. They found this picture of her in his stuff, from February 1978. Kills me. Mom had the good eyelashes, and they didn't... Read more →

Hey, Lady

For a couple years now, I've been writing every week for this website called Purple Clover, which is aimed at women who are long in the tooth, shall we say. Not in the bloom anymore. Rounding the bend. I am... Read more →