Bye Bye, Pie!

Lime-a-Ritas with Laura Ingalls Wilder

I hate podcasts. I'm SORRY. I'm sure your sister's really is magnificent. I'm sure if I just tried [insert fucking podcast here]...or gave a listen to...or have I heard...? Yeah, no. I'm not going to like any of those, either.... Read more →

Joe Lies

I be Hutch. Wear be Starskee? hahahahahaha Anyway. I hadn't had my eyebrows waxed since Wilford Brimley was a child, so I went to Elegant Nail & Tan, which I realize suggests all kinds of featured services that do not... Read more →

Terror, or a mild annoyance, in the night

"June." It was 4:00 in the morning, and I'd been half-awake already for whatever reason. ...did I just...did I just hear my name? I waited a second. Nothing. Maybe a cat moaned in a way that sounded like "June." As... Read more →

Click here. You won't believe what happens next.

The other day, I was doing some crucial cosmetics shopping with my equally deep friend Alex from work. (I ended up getting a color-correcting stick that makes me look like Kabuki theater, and a brown lipstick I thought would be... Read more →

June's weekend. With special guest stars: pet photos

My robe sleeves are wet (dishwasher and changing pet bowls) and now I have that pleasurable feeling of receiving teensy kisses from Satan every time I move m'arm. I feel like I haven't talked to you in forever, so let's... Read more →

Merry Christmas Edible

I thought of writing you during actual Christmas, but I figured you had enough to do without checking in on my ass. So here's how Christmas went, and I'm sure you're pulling the chair in closer so you don't miss... Read more →

June runs late. Paula feels tense.

I have no idea how I ran so late today, but here it is. I was gonna tell you all about Ned letting me watch the Real Housewives reunion at his house last night, seeing as I heroically got rid... Read more →

The Most Interesting Woman in the World. Pfft.

You may not have noticed, but yesterday was Halloween. Well, it was. Sorry if it slipped your radar. Anyway, several of my coworkers dressed as Griff, my curmudgeonly coworker. They all have his best sayings on a stick, plus they... Read more →

Oh, good. I get to read about someone's trip.

I hate brunch. There's the part where you're expected to get up, WITH NO FOOD OR COFFEE IN YOU, and head to some crowded restaurant, then wait in a lobby for a hundred minutes. Then always--ALWAYS!!--some asshole party of 10... Read more →

You wrote it you watch it

The other day, my friend Paula came to town, and I've referred to it so often now that you're probably expecting her to have a Pope hat. Paula was my coworker in Seattle, then my friend in Seattle, then my... Read more →

Wall E

I had a dream that I was helping Jesus build a wall to keep out foreigners. I kept saying, "Really? Cause this doesn't seem like something you'd--okay. Hand me a nail. YOU'RE the carpenter, here, but okay." Maybe I shouldn't... Read more →

Old Limey Checks In

7:05 a.m. (Hah! Remembered!) If you tuned in yesterday, you'll recall, with your sharp precision that knows no bounds, that I said, "I haven't saved the bird yet or seen the muskrat or closed down two more places or gotten... Read more →

Flaming Joan

First of all, last night the stupid gaybors had a bonfire. At least I think it was those two, because something was flaming. I'm so no longer Team Gaybors. The other night, I was in the yard, late, as I... Read more →