Bye Bye, Pie!

Retro June

Yesterday at work I went back to copy editing. I asked if I could do so some months ago, and they said okay, but you have to wait till we get other editors in here, so I waited, and then... Read more →

Dewey Defeats Truman

I gots to go. I have to get in the car, drive to freaking Raleigh, get on a plane and fly to Michigan. I'm running for president and thought I'd better get on the campaign trail. That would so be... Read more →

Oh, good. I get to read about someone's trip.

I hate brunch. There's the part where you're expected to get up, WITH NO FOOD OR COFFEE IN YOU, and head to some crowded restaurant, then wait in a lobby for a hundred minutes. Then always--ALWAYS!!--some asshole party of 10... Read more →

June gives Lottie an aptitude test. Films it. Blogs it. Oh, June. How dull you are.

9:31 p.m. The problem is, I get cockamamie ideas. I decided to give Lottie a puppy aptitude test tonight (Google fucking "Puppy Aptitude Test"), kind of a personality test, to see if she will grow up to be psycho. In... Read more →

I pity the Blu

7:28 a.m. I am currently drinking coffee--what addiction?--out of my Mr. Tea mug that Marty and Kaye got me some years back, that remains one of my favorites. Do you have favorite mugs? Do you wait till it's that mug's... Read more →

June accidentally records her life. As opposed to this tome.

I was just uploading photos from my phone onto my computer mom boreeng and I saw among the photos a video on there that was half an hour long. "?" I asked myself. seer y uslee, we so ober this... Read more →

The one where June makes hilarious Presidents Day puns

Edsel doing his sled dog impression. Or his Mushmouth impresh. Whichever. It snowed again, which is very exciting for us here. My work is delayed a crummy hour. Given how much sliding down my street I did last night, I... Read more →

Where June somehow mentions Princess Di, human trafficking and QVC in one post.

At work, a bunch of us are doing Dresscember, which is this challenge where you wear a dress every day in December, even on your ding-dang days off, as kind of a fundraiser to say, hey, I hate human trafficking.... Read more →

My Thanksgiving wish for all of us

That people stop using "journal" and "orgasm" as verbs. HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYONE! Luff, Juuuuuune Read more →

Blue walls and yellow dogs

On yesterday*, Bitchy Resting Face Alex came over and helped me paint. "Helped" is a curious term. I was totally Tom Sawyer in this scenario. *When Marvin was a teacher, every Sunday night at 6:00 the phone would ring, back... Read more →

Can o'snake ass

Oh, look! We still have boxes in here! How do, like, Army people do this, where they move all the ding-dang time? It's so taxing. But it really is nice to be here, at home, rather than a whole 'nother... Read more →

In which June does not forget to add a senior picture

I bought a new yogurt this weekend; it has flax and pumpkin seeds and Lionel Ritchie and I don't know what all in it.It's a very busy yogurt. This yogurt also informs me that it's gluten-free, and guess what I... Read more →

Now I know how Joan of Arc felt. Plus, hot soap.

One of my coworkers has a football at his desk, as though he were OJ Simpson or...some other football player such as Jim Namath. Because they were famous for having footballs on their desks. It's on a little stand--not my... Read more →

June Google Effings It

I forgot my DING-DANG phone at work. My chargers are stupidly packed away, so I have stolen this one guy at work's fine Arab charger while he's in Japan or Tokyo or something. Are those the same place? Anyway, it's... Read more →

Mikhail Gorbachev goes to lesbian taco

Along with 47 people named Alex at my job, there are also 15,000 men named Michael in my department. As a result, we call them all by their last names, and then anytime someone says, "Mike," I'm all, "Who?" One... Read more →

June and Ned Get High

The holiday weekend yawned before us with nary a plan, which was delightful news because we'd both had harrowing weeks at work. "I can't TELL you how happy I am to be home with nothing to do," Ned kept telling... Read more →

Nary a Ned

A rundown of my evening with no Ned in it... 7 a.m. till 5 p.m. I was so looking forward to having the house to myself for one night, just to come home and sit quietly and do nothing. Ned's... Read more →

They're where you get your strength

Two old boyfriends contacted me yesterday. Clearly, no one can resist me. I mean, they can, for several years in a row. But then they cannot. "I was bored, so I Googled you and found your Purple Clover articles. Read... Read more →

The "I Thought I Dug You, But You Like Build-A-Bear" Section

"What if I met you, and you were still you with all your traits and everything, except for one thing: You loved you the Build-A-Bear Workshop." I like to imagine terrible scenarios to see if Ned and I would still... Read more →

Ribbed questions. For your pleasure.

I completely forgot about my Purple Clover deadline last night, and it is all Ned's fault. So now I must sweatily write it before my editor wakes up in LA, and that is why today's post is going to be... Read more →

The Foot Festish Reader Will Love This One

On Saturday, or was it Sunday--you have no idea how many drugs I was doing. You know how I love the horse. If you wanna ride, don't ride the white horse. Is that song even about drugs? Or is it... Read more →

June's High Holy Day

I writhed in pain this morning and said my kidney stone was back, and Ned totally bought it. heeeeeeeee! God, I love this holiday. Now I have the delicate balancing act of calling my mother before she realizes what day... Read more →

The June Gardens rose. Now with glitter!

Oh my self-love, you guys are KILLING me with the posts you're sending me for this book that will make me exactly as famous as Beyonce. June-on-say. Incidentally, I found an age spot on my eyelid this morning, which is... Read more →

Just had a profound thought

What if there's a nice version of me out there somewhere, and I'm that person's evil twin? Read more →

June's Dream House with Action Figures

"Have you seen Phteven?" asked The Guy Who Sits Next To Me. I had not. Am now obsessed. Why did I not think to do this with Edsel's underbite? Could be rich now. Esteban! Google him. There are a million... Read more →

A Brief Post

"Do you want to go to a play?" Ned called up to me as I was on episode 3494594 of Game of Thrones. "I don't know. What's it about?" I shouted down. "A woman who comes home for the holidays... Read more →

Juneda Gardensho

Someone is almost insisting he have a thick girlfriend. Ned had flowers delivered at my work yesterday AND he got me a Dick Whitman's Sampler. I ate the chocolate messenger boy right away, because, you know. Chocolate messenger boy. If... Read more →

Hey! I have a Dry Idea!

Usually, I purchase some iteration of Secret, any scent but baby powder scent because why do I want to smell like a child molester, but this time I decided to mix it up and get another brand and boy, was... Read more →

And that's why I don't like corn.

Once Ned's sister was riding in the car with her husband, in relative silence, when all of a sudden he said, "And that's why I don't like corn." "...You were just having a conversation with me in your mind, weren't... Read more →

The one where June has to muddle through an evening all alone

It's Tuesday night, and I was looking forward to the end of the workday and getting to go home. Then I got an email from Ned. "Don't forget, I'm going to that lecture with my dad tonight." I know it's... Read more →

The one where June offends everyone

Ned's mom will be here soon, so tomorrow I will write you about what we did all weekend, but I did wanna tell you about the creepy guy next door. This neighborhood is pretty nice, and the houses are all... Read more →