Bye Bye, Pie!

June sees a psychic. Finds out the future. So after today you won't have to read this dumb blog anymore. You'll know what's gonna happen.

On Sunday, I went with my coworker Alex to see the psychic, the one from 2011. I don't mean the psychic was born in 2011, which would make her something of a prodigy. I also don't mean she's from the... Read more →

I have the feeling Ima be just as annoying in 2015.

It's the end of the year, FYI, and time for my end-of-year veedeo, and you've been around a long time if you know why I say "veedeo." So long, 2014! You weren't all bad. (Click on the white "2014 Be... Read more →

This tastes awful--here, try it

I wrote something for Purple Clover and pretty much figured it'd get rejected, because it doesn't really have a Purple Clover angle. It did get rejected, so now I am showing it to you. Yay, you get my rejects! Really,... Read more →

Do you know what'd be hilarious? Is if I said, "Life's a beach." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

That guy is screwed. This weekend, Ned and I went to Wilmington, which in case you live in Poland or Ethiopia (I am HUGE in Ethiopia) (well, I probably would be huge in Ethiopia) or are just really stupid or... Read more →

I Heart Pie. Or, All Andy Griffith and Little Else.

I have to go to work today, and I KNOW! I just worked in JUNE. Do they expect me to have NO FREE TIME? God. Okay, I've worked since June, but not on site, as I am doing this week.... Read more →

Dancing girls. At a burlesque show.

Today on Facebook, my old pal Marc wrote, "Hey, has anybody seen my black canvas bag?" and one of this other friends wrote, "No, and I haven't seen your Sweet Gypsy Rose, either." I do not know why this made... Read more →

June and Sleeping Beauty go to the beach. Except she's bringing her baby. How much sleep will she really get?

I woke up this morning and before I even opened my eyes, I told myself: YOU GOING TO THE BEACH, BITZ! So here I go. If I can figure out how to send pictures to my blog, I will. If... Read more →

June avoids

Sometimes I sit here at my blank screen, and so desperately want to prattle on about what's really going on, but to protect the privacy of those around me I cannot. This is one of those times. So in the... Read more →

June Gardens, gym rat

Can't talk long--I have to get to the gym. I know. You guys have spoken to me many times about my exercise bulimia. I mean, I just SAID I was going to the gym...never. In five years of writing this... Read more →

Who dat?

Hey, did you hear I went to New Orleans? On the first night, on my way there, I stayed with Faithful Reader Sadie, who coincidentally has a dog named Sadie. You'd think she'd name her dog something different from her... Read more →

Big easy June. Wait.

I am leaving later today for New Orleans! Wooo! I picked a fine week to stop sniffing glue. And guess who has not packed one iota yet? I hear you need plenty of iotas for New Orleans. I mean, I... Read more →

Butt Tour 2011

Zzzzzzzz--oh! Is mom's computer finally ready? I logged on in 1712. I know I never complain about the slowness of this computer. And in general, I have such patience. Instant gratification takes too long. Anyway, I'm here. I drove straight... Read more →

In which June blows off the South to be the bland Midwesterner she's always been

I'm getting ready to get in the car to leave for Saginaw, and by "getting ready" I mean I'm sitting here blogging. Somebody just pulled into my driveway to turn around, and I don't know about you, but if we... Read more →

Love my home-y but where's my beaches?

You know who I feel sorry for? Is my friend Sandy's husband. Who just wanted a nice week on the Carolina coast, getting away from his demandy-pants job (he took like 87 conference calls while I was there. Do you... Read more →

I'm back in the South where I belong. Where's my fatback? Oh. It's attached.

I have returned, without incident. Except for the part where my smoke alarm went off at 3:17 this morning. It just went off for maybe three horrifying, jarring beeps then stopped. And it was not the "I am running out... Read more →

It took me four days to fly out to Saginaw

I am here, finally, because what a smooth, unharried journey. Holy sheep dip. Also, I am typing like the wind because my cousin is in the shower and as soon as she is done we have to scream on over... Read more →

Gratitude

Well, my bags are packed. I'm ready to go. Taxi's waitin' outside my door. If by "taxi" you mean my own car. Anyway, here we go, off to my Aunt Kathy's house. Which by the way is not in Michigan,... Read more →

In which June remembers she forgot

I just remembered that I forgot to ever tell you about our trip to Savannah, which I realize we took 11 hundred weeks ago. I also remembered that I told this woman at work that I'd help her write a... Read more →

In which June wrestles a pickle and accuses her cat of white supremacy

Marvin is getting poor Henry right now; he stayed overnight at the vet. His little cat leg is not broken--he has an abcess. Which means someone bit him (THREE TIMES!) and he got an infection. Now, it could have been... Read more →

Don't get Madison, but I don't Lincoln to anything in this one. Quit Reagan on me!

I'm in D.C. and I'm having a capitol time! Bah! The train ride was kind of fun. I got to sit and watch the world go by. The only part about the train is, why do other people have to... Read more →

Mrs. Gardens Goes to Washington

You know how Dooce is forever being asked to appear at the White House and talk about blogging, so she's always flying first class to D.C.? Yeah. No one asked me to show up, and I am taking a train--regular... Read more →

I went to the store...

Really, I will tell you all about my trip. Eventually. The most important thing is that in our 20-million-hour car ride home, Marvin and I played "I went to the store" and here are the ludicrous things we got. (Did... Read more →

Molasses called. Wants us to hurry up.

We went to Savannah. We had a good time. Then it took us NINE HOURS to get the 350 miles back home. Did I mention I hate everything? More later, when I do not want to kill everyone with a... Read more →

Sans June

I do not know how I can leave all this cuteness and that need to sweep the floor, there, but Marvin and I are going on a short vacation. You know, as part of Project Save This Marriage. We will... Read more →

Red-eye flights. Screwing people up since whenever they invented red-eye flights.

I got home at 9 a.m. and then I just woke up. Tallulah was zero inches from me, by the way. She was doing the thing where her snout was up the back of my neck and in my hair.... Read more →

Darn, that's the end

There is a woman parading around the breakfast room in a fur coat. She could not be fitting less into the Seattle scene if she were wearing a tiara. If she had on a tiara, at least she could pretend... Read more →

The Russian

I am back in my fishing-for-a-compliment breakfast room, where I again received nary a compliment and come to think of it, no fish, either. In case you were burning with curiosity I had a piece of toast (whole wheat, with... Read more →

June, her chargers, and her ashy cat check in from the Emerald City

Oh thank God, a computer. I am in the complimentary breakfast room at my hotel, and I would just like to point out that I have received not one compliment yet, so hmph, and I saw these quiet little computers... Read more →

June-y

This is one of my favorite pictures ever. I love how my earrings match the, you know, tower. It was 1990 and I was 25 and in Paris, on a Ferris wheel. I had the world by the tail. Why... Read more →

Say yes to Michigan

Geez, Louise, 1962 called, wants its computer back. I'm on my mother's speedy computer, can you tell? I only had to wait 16 centuries to get on here. And the thing is still mooooaaaning, like it can't believe I want... Read more →

My Summer Vacation by June

Fourteen hundred miles round trip? Like this: No, seriously. There were about five minutes in West Virginia where I was all GET OFF OF ME! But she breathed on my arm and looked so sad. And she knew the minute... Read more →